This morning, in a much-anticipated move, President Obama and Vice-President Biden officially announced that they have changed their minds on whether Republicans should be allowed to believe in lower taxation.
At a televised press conference in the Rose Garden they unveiled plans for legislation that will force Republicans to abandon their opposition to higher taxes. It’s a move that’s been widely trailed as the President recently spoke of his evolving position on the matter and the Vice-President “accidentally” let their plans slip in a TV interview.
The President was at pains to speak of his respect for the Republican party and all that they had contributed to American life through the years. He also emphasized that he was not out to stop all that the Republicans believed in – just this one policy.
“They can still be Republicans, of course they can. This is a democracy after all. We’re simply saying that they must stop their bigoted support of lower taxation. We cannot tolerate this kind of intolerance in our modern world.”
An End To Taxophobia
Vice-President Biden pointed to recent opinion polls that showed support for higher taxes had reached 51%. “This clearly shows that the public wants an end to low taxes, and we intend to end it once and for all.” Biden went on, “Taxophobia has to stop and we will be using every possible means to end it in our time.”
The only question from the carefully assembled banks of nodding and supportive journalists, came from Megyn Hannity of Wolf News who challenged the President and Vice-President on statements they made in last year’s campaign interviews and debates where they promised that they had no plans to change the law or outlaw opposition to higher taxes.”
A red-faced Biden blurted out, “Woman, I’ve had enough of your pompous hate and blustering bile over the years. Let me warn you that it’s not just Republicans we’re after, but we’ll take you down too if you or your pathetic excuse of a TV channel dares to oppose this.”
Undaunted, the brave Megyn Hannity stood up and asked the Vice-President if he was aware that only 1.7% of the population would benefit from higher taxes and even most of them didn’t want the government to go so far as actually banning belief in lower taxes?
Biden spluttered, “You stupid conservative. This isn’t about helping the 1.7%. We don’t care about them. This is about ostracizing Republicans and stirring up hatred against them.”
Nothing To Fear
At that point a somewhat alarmed President Obama stepped in with some smooth and soothing re-assurances. “Joe’s just being Joe,” he smiled, “Let me be clear. No one has anything to fear as long as they agree with us and go along with the law.”
“Let me be clear. Supporters of low taxation are on the wrong side of history. The argument is over and public opinion is on our side. Some might say, Isn’t it enough to simply pass laws for higher taxes and leave those who believe in lower taxes alone? The simple answer to that is No. This is a civil rights issue. The day has passed when high-taxers should have to put up with anyone criticizing their choices and highlighting the downsides and damage of their policies.
“Let me be clear. We must send a message to every high-taxer that they will never hear anyone oppose them or argue against them again. We stand with them to say that we’ve had enough of such hate, abuse, prejudice, and bias. Low-taxism belongs in the dumpster of history together with racism, sexism, fascism, and fat-ism.
“Let me be clear about the impact of this legislation:
- From now on, if anyone wants to do business with the federal government they will have to complete the “high-tax support pledge.”
- Any businessman who has donated to low tax campaigns in the past will be forced to “resign.”
- Any employee discovered to have low-tax inclinations will be given diversity training to ensure that there is no diverging from this view.
- We will make sure that no one can ever run for office again who supports lower taxes.
- Charitable status will be denied to any organization that extends charity to taxophobes.
- In light of recent hate-filled incidents we’ve added the requirement that no one can refuse to bake a cake, make a bouquet, or take photographs for high-tax promotional events.
- We are also adding a high-tax mandate to Obamacare that no one will be allowed an exemption from (apart from Democrats and donors to my campaign).
It’s the right thing to do. Is that clear? I said, Is that clear?”
“Yes, Mr. President,” echoed the White House press corps as they stood to applaud the bravery and courage of the president before joining him for lunch in the West Wing.