The She Shed

February 29, 2016  David Murray   4 comments

You’ve heard of the “Man Cave.” Now, meet the “She Shed.”

The video is a bit bizarre in parts, but there are a couple of quotes that contain valuable truth:

“When you’re depleted by giving to your family, to your partner to everyone around you, you need to be able to give to yourself.” (Psychologist, Dr. Jane Greer)

“If women can find a spot of their own to collect themselves again and to get some peace and quiet, everyone is going to benefit from that.” (Barbara Teckles)

One of the first things I try to do when counseling women with depression is to have them schedule an hour in the day when they just stop what they are doing, find a quiet spot, and read a book or do something creative. You don’t need a she-shed to have a she-hour. It’s especially mothers of young children, and home-schooling moms that need to do this because of the constant dawn-to-dusk demands of caring for infants and schooling young children.

Of course, it’s not easy, because kids want and need Mom’s attention and care. You can’t just say to the two-year-old, “I’m having my she-hour, see ya later.” But there are a few solutions I know have worked for some moms.

First, if you have really young children, you can use their nap time to have your “she-shed hour.” Using that precious hour to perfect the house just drains you even further and it’s going to be turned upside down again anyway.

Second, ask a friend or an older woman with more time and less demands upon her, to come and look after your children for an hour a few times a week. It doesn’t need to be a permanent arrangement, but at least until you get replenished.

Third, Dads can try to get home from work earlier and do the bathing and bed-time routine, allowing Mom an hour of replenishment instead of another hour of draining the gas tank.

Fourth, use a baby-gate. Shona and I have done this with all five of our children. For an hour every morning we would put them in their bedrooms and close the gate for an hour. Did they like it? Not for the first few days – they screamed the house down. But they got used to it and even began to look forward to it – playing with their toys without big bro or big sis interfering. Shona would use a baby-intercom on low-volume just to make sure they were still breathing.

I know some people think “caging” or “imprisoning” kids like this is “cruel and unusual torture.” But not doing it can also be a self-inflicted cruel and unusual torture. As Dr. Greer said, when you’re depleted you need to re-fuel in order to give to others again. And anyway, kids learn to be imaginative and creative when they are left alone. They discover how to be content and happy just in their own little world for an hour.

Most moms who have tried something like this have eventually made it a permanent part of their daily lives, viewing it as a mini-vacation each day, something they can look forward to, enjoy at the time, and draw benefit from throughout the rest of the day.

One other thing, reading a book, especially a paper book, stimulates the mind and yet calms it at the same time. Facebooking or iPadding around the Internet stimulates the mind but also drains it further, mainly because the mind is constantly dotting from one thing to another rather than resting on one subject or interest for a time.

A “she hour” isn’t selfish. It’s loving yourself as your neighbor. As Barbara Teckles observed: “If women can find a spot of their own to collect themselves again and to get some peace and quiet, everyone is going to benefit from that.”

  • Kim shay

    I was very fortunate in that my children never struggled with napping in the afternoon. I always had a couple of hours in the afternoon for time to myself. I had a wise older woman tell me, “It’s hard to live in the world of a child all day long.” And she was right. I think if we start when they’re young, and make it a priority, it is a lot easier.

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  • Phil Pockras

    Back when we had two boys, one aged six and a half and another aged three, I determined to help my sweetie. She was home-schooling the older son. I decided to get her a “digital dishwasher” — my ten digits. We’d done the dishes together for twelve years. It was time to take it on myself and give her some relaxing time each evening. I do not like washing dishes, left to my own preferences. It was, and is, a way to sacrifice myself and my preferences to bless my wife. That makes it more than tolerable. It shows her every night that I love her.

    She has said time and again what a blessing it was and is to know that, as soon as supper is on the table, she is done for the evening. She can do puzzles, watch Jeopardy, or whatever. The boys, then, were old enough to let Mama relax while they played quietly. There was, of course, in the back of their minds that Daddy could come whooshing in from the kitchen if necessary. Which it was, by times.

    Now, they’re men. We haven’t home schooled since 2009. Now she works at a local library, as well as having her own lawncare business. However, we still have our “digital dishwasher”.

  • Marcia Sinke

    Never mind the gate, get a playpen! Our 8 children were in the playpen until the next one bumped them out. None of them is intellectually stunted. Invest in a good one (I recommend the wooden Dutch-style type) with a bottom that can be raised or lowered. As newborns, we had it raised, which keeps them safe from their toddler siblings, and acclimated them for later. Another advantage is that they learn to pull up and walk, holding onto the rails.
    Also, if you put your children to bed on time, you have the evening for yourself! But don’t expect your child to be on a schedule when half the time you disrupt it by taking them out when they ought to be tucked in bed.

  • Steven Birn

    It seems to me that the phrase “loving yourself as your neighbor” is a dangerous slippery slope. In fact, one of the problems in post-Christian society is that we love ourselves too much. I don’t have a problem with the “she-shed” so long as men are free to watch the game in peace.