There’s an excellent short post on marital abuse by Becky Castle Miller over at Scot McKnight’s blog. Please click through to read it: The Ethics of Jesus Are Anti-Abuse. Two things that stood out to me were the definition of abuse and the questions to ask.

Definition of Abuse

“A pattern of coercive control that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation, and isolation, the abuser keeps his target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical.”

Questions to ask

Remember that some abuse victims have not yet understood that their spouse is an abuser. They may think what’s going on is normal or that they deserve it. Try questions like these:

  • Does your husband call you names or insult you? (verbal abuse)
  • Do you have to account for every penny you spend? (financial abuse)
  • Do you feel like a child instead of an adult in your relationship? (overall pattern of abuse)
  • Does he make you do things sexually you do not want to do? (sexual abuse)

There’s more practical advice towards the end of the article, most of which I agree with.  I do have questions about the justice of not telling an abuser the charges against him. I understand why that might be wise but it seems contrary to a basic principle of natural justice. I also have reservations about the “Black and Blue” book.

These hesitations apart, I’m grateful for articles like this that push the church to face these issues honestly and deal with them more justly and compassionately.

The Ethics of Jesus Are Anti-Abuse by Becky Castle Miller.

  • Andrew Chance

    I’m continually asked, sometimes hypothetically and sometimes about actual cases, at what point separation or divorce is appropriate. Could you, at some point, help pastors navigate those kinds of questions?

    For instance,

    Is pornography use a grounds for divorce based on sexual immorality?
    Is physical, verbal or emotional abuse a grounds for separation or divorce? At what point?

    Those are just a couple off the top of my head.