David Murray - Leadership for Servants
Tag Archive - Communication

Do I have a parrot on my shoulder?

Apr 16, 2012 • By David Murray • 3 Comments

In last week’s post about meeting a “celebrity” pastor, I mentioned the demeaning experience of speaking to someone who seems to have more interest in our shoulder than our eyes. Did a parrot land there when I wasn’t looking?


Eventually, painfully, you realize that your “conversational partner” is simply looking over your shoulder for someone more interesting or important to talk to! Ouch!!

Quite a few of you identified with this heart-sinking, ego-shrinking  feeling, and even suggested that pastors were some of the worst culprits!

Being fully present
Some of this pastoral “over-the-shoulder” conversation is understandable. Post-preaching, we often have people waiting to chat, ask questions, etc. There are others with acute needs that we want to talk to. Then there are visitors that we want to welcome and say a few words to. It’s very tempting to keep looking beyond the person before us, to make sure that we don’t miss anyone.

However, in a recent Fastcompany article on conversational distractions, Olivia Cabane argued that if we want to leave a deep impression on people (she calls it being “charismatic”) we must try harder to stop our minds from wandering while one-on-one:

Charismatic behavior can be broken down into three core elements: presence, power, and warmth. These elements depend both on our conscious behaviors and on factors we don’t consciously control. People pick up on messages we often don’t even realize we’re sending through small changes in our body language.

In order to be charismatic, we need to choose mental states that make our body language, words, and behaviors flow together and express the three core elements of charisma. And presence is the foundation for everything else.

We may think that people don’t notice our slightly delayed reactions or distant looks but body-language scientists tell us micro-facial expressions still appear, and even if they’re as short as 17-32 milliseconds, people detect them.

So, we cannot fake presence; what’s in our minds shows on our faces. Some of us have wives that can detect our “distance” in much less than 17 milliseconds! “Helllooo, David. Anybody in there?”

Although, Olivia says that presence “is a learnable skill that can be improved with practice and patience,” her proposed method seems a bit weird to me.

Three ideas
Here are my ideas. First, love the person in front of you rather than the one behind them. This person has a soul, a valuable soul, a needy soul, a soul that we must give an account for to God. Let’s love them with all our hearts (and both of our eyes) for these few minutes.

Second, trust God’s sovereignty. God put this particular person in your way for a reason; find out the reason. Also, trust God with the people passing by; if God means you to talk with them, then He will make it happen. Better one or two worthwhile conversations than lots of smalltalk.

Third, develop an ability to gently end a conversation after a reasonable period of time. Sometimes offering to briefly pray with a person can provide a natural stop-point. Or offer to phone or visit soon and talk further. Or ask an elder to “rescue” you if he sees anyone dominating your time.

Any other suggestions?

So Pastor, what’s your point?

Mar 14, 2011 • By David Murray • 2 Comments

Dennis Prutow recently wrote a great book on preaching called So, Pastor, What’s Your Point. His point was that we can preach for 40 minutes plus and leave people none the wiser. “What was all that about?” people ask each other as they leave. There may have been lots of good ideas but no real point to what was being said.

And that’s not only true of preaching, it’s true of all our communications: emails, announcements, comments at elder’s meetings, etc.

Here are five suggestions to help improve pastoral communication:

1. Cut the words
We can confuse our hearers by saying too little, by not explaining enough. Sometimes we assume too much; we think that everyone knows the background as we do. Sometimes we don’t trust people enough; we think they will misunderstand or that they shouldn’t really know this anyway. Whether over-assuming or under-trusting, the end result is that people are left scratching their heads…or shaking them!

However, by far the most common problem for pastors is at the other end of the scale. They confuse and bamboozle by verbosity. It is one of the hardest yet most essential skills a pastor can acquire – to summarize and simplify. Can I shorten this sentence? Can I use smaller words? Can I be less abstract and more concrete? Can I illustrate? Do I need to say the same thing three times? Do I need to say this at all?

2. Consider the purpose
What are you trying to achieve with this message? When you ask such questions you start thinking about more than just the words; you consider body-language, clothing, environment, etc. If you are wanting to show care to a lonely single mother, you don’t do that by dressing like a teenager and visiting her late at night alone. If you want to persuade a young woman not to marry a non-Christian guy, then you don’t address that with her in front of the Youth Group. If you want to comfort a man on the loss of his wife, then you don’t do that in a restaurant with the possibility of him breaking down in public.

3. Create the hearing scenario in your mind
The Indian proverb says, “Try to walk a mile in another person’s moccasins.” A skillful communicator is able to sympathize and empathize with those he is communicating with. He is able to imagine what it is like to live their life and be in their situation. He looks at the background, the history, the pressures, the stresses, the health issues, the job situation, etc., and tries to live in that world by imagination. And then he tries to hear/read his message as if living their life. We have to ask not just, “How am I going to say this?” but also, “How is this going to be heard?”

4. Consult with others
Some preachers run their sermons past their elders, and some even do the same with their wives! I’ve never done that and I don’t recommend it. That can become a bondage and unduly influence what God has given us to say. The only exception I would make is if you are dealing with a particularly sensitive issue. Then it might be worth passing it by someone.

And that’s where I believe consultation comes in most – when dealing with sensitive issues. If the elders ask you to address the congregation on a potentially controversial or divisive issue, then make sure every elder signs off on the statement before it is issued. Give enough time for feedback and incorporate as much as you can before sending it out to them again for final approval.

If you are dealing with criticism, then ask a trusted person or two to review your response if written, or to consult with you beforehand and then come with you if you are going to be face-to-face with the person.

If you blog, tweet, Facebook, or publish congregational newsletters, again it is worth having one or two people who will keep you accountable and who will give you feedback about the impression you are giving.

5. Check motivation

If our motivation is wrong, then our communication is also bound to go wrong in tone or content. Why am I writing this or saying this? Is it to make myself look good? Is it to attack someone and prove them wrong? Is it to keep a person or family in the church at all costs?

Isn’t it appropriate that the Epistle dealing most with communication, begins with a promise: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).

Pastors and communication: 4 questions

Mar 11, 2011 • By David Murray • 0 Comments

The pastor is in the communication business. Whatever else he is, he is a communicator. Everything he does is about communication. Communication is his “product” or “service.” Whether he is preaching, counseling, chairing a board of elders, emailing, blogging, facebooking, writing newsletters, evangelizing, meeting someone on the street, or even just standing in a public place – he is communicating; he is communicating a message. His words, his expressions, his tone of voice, his body language, and even his clothes are communicating a message. An awareness of this continuous communication mode is the first step we take in becoming good communicators. There is no point in being a skillful preacher, if our person-to-person communication skills are poor. The one will undermine the other. We can be as eloquent as Cicero, but if we spell like an infant in our emails then our credibility and reliability will be undermined. So, here are four preliminary questions to consider in all pastoral communication.

1. What is my message?
Whether we are preaching, leading a Bible study, visiting a sick person, or writing a report, we need a clear statement of purpose. What do I want to get across here? And can I sum it up in a simple sentence? 

2. Is my message accurate?
Is this true? Am I telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? We hope that spiritual leaders would never intentionally tell a lie. However, it can be very tempting to tell the truth, but not the whole truth, especially when we are facing problems in a congregation or in a personal relationship. We may hold back something that does not present ourselves in the best possible light.

3. Is my message appropriate?
We can be clear and truthful about our message and yet fail to communicate because our message may use words that are too big, or sentences that are too long. Alternatively, if we are addressing educated and mature Christians, we must not come across as condescending and demeaning.

And what about the tone of the message? If dealing with hurt and wounded people, am I communicating like a sympathetic friend, or like a math teacher dealing with statistics? If communicating with critics, am I addressing them as an angry opponent out to win an argument, or as a gentle peacemaker out to win them over. If dealing with serious sin, am I communicating the gravity of the situation, or am I trying to sweeten the bitter pill with lashings of comedy?

4. Is this the right medium?

The pastor has many vehicles for his words today. On top of sermons, he has bible studies, fellowship meetings, counseling sessions, family visitation, private conversation, email, private letters, congregational newsletters, pulpit announcements, telephone, letters to newspapers, blogs, podcasts, etc. The medium is part of the message and has to be chosen wisely if we do not want to damage the message itself.

Drive-by culture and the endless search for wow

Mar 16, 2010 • By David Murray • 2 Comments

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Should I write blog posts that increase my traffic or that help change the way (a few) people think?

That’s the question mega-blogger Seth Godin honestly grapples with in Drive-by culture and the endless search for wow. When he is writing content, should he aim for more clicks on his blog, or more change by his blog?

Is this not a question we can transfer to our preaching? Are we aiming for more people through our church doors or more change in our people. To put it another way, are we trying to create a momentary and increasingly elusive “Wow!” or a lasting and influential “Whoa!”?

Godin illustrates his point both with Time Magazine and The Huffington Post:

The Huffington Post has downgraded itself, pushing thoughtful stories down the page in exchange for linkbait and sensational celebrity riffs. This strategy gets page views, but does it generate thought or change?

Could he have easily used our sermons to illustrate his point? Are we substituting substantial and thoughtful Gospel sermons for “linkbait” and the “sensational,” generating piles of “new vistor” cards but little “thought or change?”

Godin concludes by describing the race between “who” and “how many,” and urges us to back the former rather than the latter – if action is our goal.

Find the right people, those that are willing to listen to what you have to say, and ignore the masses that are just going to race on, unchanged.

Obviously, as Christians who love the souls of the perishing, we don’t want to “ignore the masses,” but I think you get Godin’s point.

I don’t want to preach “Wow…drive-by” sermons. I want to preach “Whoa…rest-stop” sermons.

Undo send

Jan 11, 2010 • By David Murray • 0 Comments

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Google Mail now allows you to stop an email you’ve already sent – as long as you do it within five seconds. I can think of quite a few occasions when I wish I’d had that opportunity. OH NO! I forgot I was replying to the group rather than one member of it. AAAGH! That’s the wrong Tom I’ve sent that that to. NOOOOO! I should have waited a few minutes before reacting to that. Actually, according to research, five seconds would have been sufficient

Instead of regretting, take five seconds before you speak or act, especially in high-stress or emotional situations. Brain research has shown that by pausing, regulating your breathing, and taking just a few seconds, you are more likely to act rationally instead of foolishly.

The science behind this is a bit complicated:

It turns out while there’s a war going on between you and someone else, there’s another war going on, in your brain, between you and yourself. And that quiet little battle is your prefrontal cortex trying to subdue your amygdala.

 

Think of the amygdala as the little red person in your head with the pitchfork saying “I say we clobber the guy!” and think of the prefrontal cortex as the little person dressed in white saying “Uhm, maybe it’s not such a great idea to yell back. I mean, he is your client after all.”

 

“The key is cognitive control of the amygdyla by the prefrontal cortex,” Dr. Gordon told me. So I asked him how we could help our prefrontal cortex win the war. He paused for a minute and then answered. “If you take a breath and delay your action, you give the prefrontal cortex time to control the emotional response.”

 

Why a breath? “Slowing down your breath has a direct calming affect on your brain.” He told me.

 

“How long do we have to stall?” I asked. “How much time does our prefrontal cortex need to overcome our amygdala?”

 

“Not long. A second or two.”

Thankfully we don’t need to understand the process. We simply need to obey the simple command of Scripture: “Be slow to speak, slow to wrath” (James 1:19). Then we would have less “undo send” and “undo speak” moments.

Picture: 2006 © Suprijono Suharjoto. Image from BigStockPhoto.com

Good recoveries from bad communications

Jan 6, 2010 • By David Murray • 0 Comments

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2007 © Hugo Maes. Image from BigStockPhoto.com.

 Every Pastor has done it. Said something. Written something. Then regretted everything. What now? Run? Deny? Stand and fight? Attack?

John Baldoni gives advice to businesses that mishandle reorganizations and downsizing in Good Recoveries from Bad Communications

Acknowledge the problem. People are upset and confused. You need to note their disgruntlement. To ignore it is to be as rude as the communications directive.

 

Apologize. Take the high road. Even if the mistake was not yours, as part of management, you should accept blame and apologize. You may express sympathy but do not throw senior management under the bus. Doing so will only make you seem like a finger-pointer.

 

Refocus on the reason for the communication. Explain the reason for the communication and why the initiative is necessary. This gets you past the poor delivery and focused on the business.

 

Allow people to express their points of view. Let them vent. Sometimes reorganizations will bring personal hardship, such as more responsibilities, lack of additional compensation, or worse — loss of a job. You are allowed to acknowledge the pain.

 

Refocus on the initiative. Put an end to the formal venting and refocus on the business case. Even though the communication was mishandled, the reasons for it may be sound. Stand up for the company.

 

Much here that could help Pastors in the midst of church troubles that have at least partly resulted from miscommunications. And above all, through all, ending all, of course, is prayer to our perfect Communicator and powerful Peacemaker.