David Murray - Leadership for Servants
Tag Archive - Criticism

Don’t Sandwich Negative Feedback

Mar 22, 2013 • By David Murray • 1 Comment

When I wrote on 10 Ways to Give Constructive Criticism, I agreed with Pastor Sam Crabtree that The Sandwich Method is a Baloney Sandwich. Yesterday’s Management Tip from the Harvard Business Review agreed that this particular sandwich has passed its “eat-by date.”

When you must deliver criticism about someone’s work, it’s best to be direct rather than diplomatic. Avoid the all-too-common practice of mixing positive messages with negative ones. It’s confusing to the recipient. Steer clear of the classic feedback “sandwich,” which goes like this: good news, followed by bad news, ending with good news. Eating a sandwich with good bread — but bad meat in the middle — isn’t too enjoyable. And while giving someone feedback in a considerate, contextualized, and balanced manner is good practice, you need to be very clear on the poor performance part or your message might get lost. It is often the most important aspect of a feedback session, so don’t muddle it.

As I said before, for criticism to have any hope of accomplishing anything, it should be set in the wider context of praise. There should be praise in the bank, before we start drawing down with any criticisms. But there does not always need to be praise in the immediate context of delivering negative feedback.

10 Ways to Give Constructive Criticism

Feb 6, 2013 • By David Murray • 13 Comments

If I only preached on what I’d mastered, I’d never preach again. Sometimes, I’ve even had to preach on topics that I’d barely begun to understand or do. That’s the territory I’m in today with this blog post. I’d say that offering constructive criticism is probably one of my weakest areas, even worse that my ability to receive it! So, take this very much as “Here’s where I’d like to go,” or “Here’s what I’ve learned about constructive criticism from a lifetime of giving destructive criticism.”

1. It’s preceded by praise
I don’t believe in “the sandwich principle” that says you must put a slice of praise before and after every criticism. That often devalues the praise and deceives the person. However, I do believe that for criticism to have any hope of accomplishing anything, it should be set in the wider context of praise. There should be praise in the bank, before we start drawing down with any criticisms.

2. It’s infrequent
On the basis of #1, some people think that a little bit of praise sprinkled here and there permits them to launch frequent nuclear missiles at their unfortunate targets. In Practicing Affirmation, Sam Crabtree suggests a praise/criticism ratio of at least 3:1 and preferably closer to 5:1. But he also says that “relationships are healthy when so much affirmation is being spread around that no one is keeping track of either affirmation or correction.”

3. It’s limited
Criticism should be more like a sniper’s bullet than buckshot. It aims at one specific target and refuses to take potshots at anything else. “And while we’re at it, let me tell you…” Please don’t.

4. It majors on majors
If you’re going to criticize every fault and failing of everyone around you, you’re going to be very busy…and lonely. We live in a sinful world. The best of us are flaw-full. We simply must learn to overlook minor faults in others – not talk about them to others and, if possible, not even think about them. Save your critical energy for major targets. That way you’ll help yourself and others.

5. It’s supported by evidence
First, make sure you are criticizing what God criticizes, that you’re not basing everything simply on your own preferences or prejudices. Second, can you prove it? Can you point to evidence to support your criticism? Is “I think…” and “I feel…” and “I suspect…” the best you’ve got? Then let it go.

6. It’s aim is building not demolition
All criticism involves some element of demolition: wrong conduct to be torn down,  wrong beliefs to be razed. But the ultimate aim is to build something better, even beautiful, in its place. If our motive is to leave a person’s life in smoldering ruins, then we are doing the devil’s work. But if our aim is a better person, a stronger person, a more mature person, then we are in the profitable business of constructive criticism.

7. It’s prayerfully considered
It’s so easy to spout out an ill-considered or nil-considered criticism in response to an immediate event or conversation. That rarely accomplishes anything beneficial, and usually results in a shouting (or crying) match. No matter how tempting, it is almost always advisable to take 24 hours at least and to pray over it. That should help purify the motive, identify the best target, and dampen the emotions. Which brings us to…

8. It’s dispassionate
This is probably my greatest weakness of many others in this area. I find it so hard to be calm and cool about certain things. My red face, tense voice, and shaky hands start people’s alarm bells ringing, and, unsurprisingly, their defenses go up, as does their temperature. Not a recipe for building anything good.

9. It comes from the right person
The Bible is very clear about the need to respect our elders. Usually that will mean we will rarely offer criticism to our superiors, or if we do, it will be with strict qualifications (1 Tim. 5:1-2, 19). I’ve sometimes been asked by a boss or an older Christian to say if I notice anything in their character or conduct that is wrong. I find that almost impossible to do. And I think that’s OK. Our superiors should normally look to their superiors for correction. And let’s focus on those whom the Lord has committed to our responsibility, not on those we have no relationship with and no authority over.

10. It’s humble
Have you ever changed as a result of an arrogant person pointing out your faults? No, neither have I. In fact, I’ve probably determined to do what was critiqued even more. But when a person humbly comes alongside me, confesses his own faults, admits his own struggles, maybe even in that particular area, then my ears are open and so is my heart.

Is the “sandwich method” a load of baloney?

May 24, 2012 • By David Murray • 9 Comments

“The sandwich method” is the correction strategy that puts every criticism between two slices of praise. According to Sam Crabtree, an expert on how to praise people, it’s not a tasty snack.

In Practicing Affirmation, Sam describes the manager who used the sandwich method so much, that employees began to dread hearing any praise because they knew what he was about to fill the sandwich with. Although he boasted about his method, his employees eventually called it “the baloney sandwich!”

Sam says, “Let affirmation stand alone, separated from correction….correction packaged with affirmation will contaminate and weaken the affirmation, perhaps making it altogether fruitless…Corrections tend to cancel affirmations, and the closer the proximity to correction, the more crippled the affirmation” (63, 64, 65).

It’s that close proximity of correction to affirmation that Sam argues against. In its place he proposes a much longer-term context of loving affirmation as the necessary backdrop to any loving correction.

It’s love that earns “a platform from which to challenge wrongful lifestyles and to be heard in doing so.” He says this many different ways, but in some ways it cannot be said enough. Our corrections will have no effect if there is no deep, wide, and long context of encouragement and affirmation: ”People are influenced by those who praise them. Giving praise does wonders for the other person’s sense of hearing” (54).

Also, as corrections tend to “weigh” more than affirmations, he suggests an affirmation to correction ration of at least 3:1, and preferably closer to 5:1. He illustrates:

Affirmation and correction are like a bank account. Affirmations are deposits. Corrections are checks you write against the balance in your account. If you write too many checks in relation to the deposits, your checks bounce – they’re no good. It will take additional credits to restore your your credit. And if the pattern of writing bad checks continues…your account may be frozen until you get serious about putting things in the black (52).

Sam doesn’t really want us going around with ledgers though: “Relationships are healthy when so much affirmation is being spread around that no one is keeping track of either affirmation or correction” (54).

For a book on how to praise people, Sam’s book is also remarkably helpful on how to correct and criticize in a constructive way. I’ve just highlighted a couple of the bigger principles, but he goes into a lot more detail in the book.

Practicing Affirmation Review (1): Scots don’t do praise
Practicing Affirmation Review (2): 10 ways to praise people
Practicing Affirmation Review (3): Is the “sandwich method” a lot of baloney?
Practicing Affirmation Review (4): Should we praise unbelievers?

4 ways to benefit from criticism

May 19, 2011 • By David Murray • 3 Comments

So, you’ve prepared for the criticism, you’ve distinguished the nature of the critic and their criticism, but now you have to respond. Will you be gored, injured, or with a flourish of your cape will you let the bull pass by and learn from the experience? How you deal with criticism will determine the whole course of your ministry.

Four steps to avoid
Reject: without a moment’s thought you simply dismiss the criticism, minimize it, and move on

Retaliate: again, often without even a pause, you attack the attacker or criticize the critic

Resent: while you may seem to accept what was said, you inwardly seethe and bitterly brood

Resign: you just give in, give up and run away

Four steps to follow
1. Receive the criticism
Whether it comes in verbal or written form, the first thing to do is pray for grace to listen to what is being said. If the person is in front of you, pray inwardly, look them in the eye, project calm, avoid hostile body language or facial expressions, and ask for time to think and pray about what is being said.

You may want to clarify the complaint by re-stating or re-phrasing it just to make sure you both understand the problem. Give a rough idea of when you plan to respond (within a week, say), and ask him/her what action they would like to see in response to their complaint.

End by thanking the person for coming to you in person and pray together. In your prayer set the specific complaint in the context of a wider relationship and experience of the Lord’s blessing.

2. Reflect on the criticism
Questions to prayerfully ask include:

  • Is it true? Is it even slightly true? Try to find the grain of truth in it if you can.
  • Is it proportionate? Is this making a mountain out of a molehill? Is it in the context of previous appropriate appreciation for the pastor?  Does the criticism extend beyond one sermon/incident? Is it balanced in its expression or does it become hostile and exaggerated?
  • Who is making the criticism? If it is a godly and faithful Christian, then you will pay much more
attention to it than to someone who is not professing to be a
Christian. If a particular Christian has an imbalanced theology or
some particular “theological hobby horse” then this too should be
taken into account when weighing the criticism’s validity.
  • Is there something else behind the criticism? Could there be stress or trouble at home or at work?
  • How many times have you heard this criticism? If it is coming from a number of independent sources, then it is time to sit up and take close note.

Sometimes it might be worth seeking advice, getting a second opinion from a trusted elder, fellow pastor, or friend, someone a bit more objective than yourself. Maybe also ask them to hold you to account as you respond to the person and relate to them in the future.

3. Respond to the Criticism
In your response, try to think of building a long-term relationship. It is easy to win a short-term victory but lose a long-term opportunity to do a person spiritual good.

If at all possible, meet in person rather than respond by email or telephone. Pray together then calmly explain what aspects of the criticism you accept (for which you thank him), and what you don’t. If you have admitted that you were wrong, explain how you plan to apologize to offended parties and put things right. In very extreme circumstances it may be appropriate to offer your resignation. Ask if your response is satisfactory. Close with prayer, asking the Lord to bless your relationship, not let the devil in, and grow in mutual love and respect. 

4. Repent of your error/sin
When a matador is injured, he will review film of the incident, learn from his mistake, and put things right for the future. Likewise the pastor should respond not just by accepting he said or did something wrong, but also by putting things right for the future. Repentance does not just include sorrow for sin, but turning from it to new obedience in dependence upon the Holy Spirit.

In the pastoral bullring

May 17, 2011 • By David Murray • 0 Comments

Just as the matador prepares for the bullring, so the pastor must prepare for criticism. But the matador also has to distinguish between different bulls. He observes them from a distance and close up. He sees how they interact with other bulls and how they react to other matadors. He analyzes their character and anticipates their attacks. Some bulls are very aggressive and determined to kill, others treat it like more of a game, while still others treat the matador with the utmost respect. The matador’s strategy will be determined by the nature of the bulls and the nature of their “attacks.”

Likewise the pastor has to carefully distinguish between different kinds of critics and different elements of their criticism.

  • Invited criticism: Scheduled or regular evaluation and review by one or more people in one or more area of ministry
  • Uninvited criticism: Regular or one-off by people whose opinion you did not ask for
  • Justified criticism: Accurate reflection of the truth
  • Unjustified criticism: Inaccurate, false, untrue, imbalanced
  • Constructive criticism: For my good and to help me to become better at what I do
  • Destructive criticism: To discourage, damage, dishearten, demoralize, and diminish me
  • Sensitive criticism: Expressed with love, wisdom, balance
  • Insensitive criticism: Insensitive tone, content, situation
  • Backstabbing criticism: Cowardly undermining of you and your ministry in your absence (although probably intended to get back to you via “carriers”)

If you have prepared for the criticism and analyzed its various elements, you are then in a position to respond. Click back tomorrow for that.

The Bull-loving Matador

May 16, 2011 • By David Murray • 2 Comments

There’s one way for a matador to avoid confrontations with bulls, and that’s never to get into the ring!

There’s only one way to avoid criticism in the ministry, and that’s never to become a minister!

But that’s not just true of the ministry. That’s true of all walks of life – sport, politics, entertainment, business, etc. You will never achieve anything in any walk of life if you are unwilling to receive criticism or are easily defeated by it.  John Wesley once questioned in his journal if he was truly right with God since had had received no criticism for an entire day!

So, if criticism is inevitable, can we prepare for it? Yes we can. Just as no matador steps into the ring without thorough preparation, so the pastor should also prepare – spiritually and physically – for the inevitable “charge.”

1. Walk humbly with God. Pride comes before a fall. If we are over-confident or self-confident, we are going to stumble, make some big mistakes, and receive just criticism. Seek a deep sense of your own spiritual vulnerability. Pray to be kept from sin and foolishness. You will be criticized even if you never sin or do anything foolish (remember Jesus!). However, you will be criticized even more if you do. So why give extra ammo?

2. Develop and deepen love for your critics. Matadors may not love bulls, and in fact usually end up killing them. However, the pastor must love his “bulls” to life, even though they are maybe trying to gore him to “death.” You will eventually realize that there are a few people in your congregation who are going to criticize you no matter what you say or do. Instead of developing resentment and bitterness towards such people, ask God to give you a Christ-like love for them. It may give you an insight into how “hard” it was for Christ to love you!

3. Practice tongue-control. Ideally you will work at a deeper heart-level in quelling and quenching anger that leads to bad-tempered retaliation. However, in the meantime, practice simply saying little or nothing in response to criticism. Perhaps think of a stock phrase to use like: “Thank you for taking the time to speak to me about that. Please give me some time to prayerfully think about what you said, and let me get back to you on it.” I’ve never regretted saying that. I’ve often regretted saying anything else.

4. Get enough sleep. The matador’s preparation involves the mental, the emotional, and even the spiritual at some levels. However, he must also prepare physically if he is to be sharp and agile in his art. Likewise, the pastor has to prepare physically for verbal attacks. A lack of sleep and exercise will leave us physically run down, which has a knock on effect on our emotions and thinking patterns. If we are fresh and fit, it is so much easier to react in the right way to those who charge at us!

Should I tell the pastor?

Nov 10, 2010 • By David Murray • 2 Comments

In the course of family visitation, elders will sometimes hear
criticism of their pastor’s preaching. Should they tell the pastor?
Here are some questions to ask to help you decide how to handle the
criticism.

1. Who is making the criticism?

If it is a godly and faithful Christian, then you will pay much more
attention to it than to someone who is not professing to be a
Christian. If a particular Christian has an imbalanced theology or
some particular “theological hobby horses” then this too should be
taken into account when weighing the criticism’s validity.

2. Have they ever said anything positive about the pastor?

If not, then the criticism may be motivated by personal enmity and
malice? It would be unusual if a pastor had never said or done
anything positive.

3. How many times have you heard this criticism?

A ruling elder should not pass on to the preacher every criticism he
hears. If the criticism only comes from one source, then you are far
less likely to pass it on than if you heard the same thing from a
number of sources (1 Tim. 5:19).

4. Is the criticism fair and objective?

If not, then the elder should defend the pastor. He should not just
sit there absorbing the criticisms like a sponge. That only encourages
the critic to go on and on. And critics in the church get to know the
elders that are “soft” and who will do their “dirty work” by passing
on their criticism. Some people’s criticisms simply reflect their
personal preferences for a particular type of preaching. That too must
be weighed.

5. Does the criticism extend beyond one sermon?

Every pastor preaches a dud from time to time. He probably knows it
better than anyone. Maybe he did not have much time to prepare that
week. Perhaps he never slept on Saturday night. Possibly someone in
the back row was sleeping or laughing. There are many different
reasons for a pastor preaching a poor sermon now and again. It’s
terribly unfair for someone to ignore the vast majority of a
preacher’s sermons to focus on one here or one there that fell short
of his usual standards.

6. Might there be a special reason for that sermon?

Sometimes a pastor may have a reason to preach on something, or a
reason to preach in a particular way that he cannot explain publicly.
Maybe he’s preaching to a special problem that only he knows about.
Perhaps he’s trying to reach the children in the congregation.
Possibly he’s preaching in this style because he knows someone is
bringing along a skeptical scientist to the service. Maybe a college
student has asked him to answer an question raised by one of her
lecturers. Sometimes even the pastor himself does not fully know the
reason why a particular text, sermon, or preaching style has been laid
upon him by the Lord for that time.

7. Has the critic spoken to the pastor?

It’s amazing how much criticism would be reduced in churches if
critics knew that elders will not take their criticisms seriously
until they have tried speaking to the pastor themselves. “Have you
spoken to the pastor yourself?” would slow the vast majority of
criticisms to a trickle. There may be special circumstances where this
is not possible or wise, but if the criticism is serious enough for
the pastor to hear, he should usually hear it from the critic first
hand. And if the critic is not wiling to do this, then it cannot be as
serious to him as he makes out. Sadly, some critics are not only good
at making the bullets, but at finding the elder most willing to fire
them too.

8. Is this the right time to speak to the pastor?

Let’s assume then that the critic has spoken to the pastor, or that
there are a number of legitimate concerns coming from different
reputable sources. The elder now has to decide when to raise the
subject. This is all-important if the aim really is to bring about
necessary and beneficial change in the pastor’s preaching. Here are
some guidelines:

(i) Do it privately and not in front of other elders to begin with.

(ii) Don’t do it immediately after or before a service. And never do
it on a Monday, when the Pastor is often spent from Sunday’s
exertions.

(iii) Find out how the Pastor is doing – spiritually, mentally,
physically, relationally, etc. Try and find out if he is already
carrying large burdens or major worries. You don’t want to be the
straw that breaks the camel’s back.

(iv) Preface your remarks with any encouraging comments you have
gathered in family visitation.

9. Have you prayed?

Last but not least!

In the hot seat

Feb 4, 2010 • By David Murray • 0 Comments

Bigstockphoto_in_thec3189b

President Barack Obama gathered many plaudits last week for his face-to-face Q&A with Republican leaders last week. In the Harvard Business Review, John Baldoni argues that by doing this “the President, whether you like or dislike him, provided a template for leaders to use when they need to face critics.” He draws seven lessons for leaders facing criticism.

  • Show up
  • Be open
  • Be cool
  • Acknowledge your shortcomings
  • Criticize gently
  • Smile frequently
  • Leave them wanting more

What can Pastors facing criticism learn from this advice? What would you add/subtract? I would add: Take pre-emptive action. Don’t wait until a disaster (e.g. Massachusetts) strikes that leaves you with no choice but to face your critics.