Comments on: Reformed “Spotlight”: What is Spiritual Abuse?

By: Mackenzi Kingdon

Mackenzi Kingdon — Tue, 10 Jan 2017 00:50:00 +0000

Thank you for this post! This topic is very near and dear to my heart. I am a counselor focusing on spiritual abuse that happens in Seattle. http://www.restorationcounselingseattle.com

It is nice to find content out there that addresses this.

By: David Murray

David Murray — Tue, 27 Sep 2016 14:04:00 +0000

Monica, thank you for this extensive reply and for your insights. I will weigh them carefully and think through how to adjust my own approach to this subject.

By: Monica Ruth Brands

Monica Ruth Brands — Tue, 27 Sep 2016 06:19:00 +0000

I appreciate David Murray’s courage here in talking about the reality of spiritual abuse in Reformed circles, which I think is very difficult to talk about without experiencing a lot of self-defensive and angry reactions. My impression is that this definition is too narrow, I find Mary DeMuth’s 10 Signs more helpful. http://www.marydemuth.com/spiritual-abuse-10-ways-to-spot-it/ . I notice some people commenting on their reluctance to have a broad definition for spiritual abuse out of fear that people will start labeling anything and everything spiritual abuse. I understand the fear, but we can’t talk about the most egregious forms of spiritual abuse without acknowledging the very real damage caused by more subtle forms of spiritual abuse. That argument–to not call something abuse unless it’s at a nearly egregious level–is the kind of thinking that enables abuse and enables the dismissal of abusive experiences (“you just think everything is abuse” type responses). Women in emotionally abusive marriages for example often find little or no support because the church has decided marriages aren’t *really* abusive unless someone is physically in danger. Similarly, with spiritual abuse, if you can’t call a denomination or church’s tendencies to control or manipulate abusive unless it’s at a highly severe level you will let slide the dangerous behavior and thinking patterns that lead to the most severe abuses. Survivors of spiritually abusive congregations will start to feel they are “crazy” for how wounded their experiences have made them if no one will acknowledge that the spiritually abusive dynamics were not just unfortunate but abusive and dangerous. It is possible to be completely doctrinally orthodox as far as core Christian teachings and to be spiritually abusing people with your misguided attempts to control their behavior into your interpretation of the Christian life. We should never forget the people Jesus clashed with the most were conservative, passionate, orthodox interpreters of Judaism. Growing Up Holy and Wholly is an excellent treatment of the ways in which rigid fundamentalism’s abusive leanings can often unintentionally slide into spiritual abuse where people lose any sense of self-worth.

The temptation for legitimate authority to slide into spiritual abuse–when church leaders are genuinely incapable of distinguishing their own interpretations of Scripture and its application from actual commands of God–is one few churches or denominations resist completely, and I think we need to be more candid about musing about where our churches drift from a legitimate place of conviction into abusive attempts to control people’s thinking. Healthy institutions speak openly about the presence of an potential for abuse within their midst. I think we need to resist having such a high definition for spiritually abusive dynamics that we can’t speak honestly about the spiritually abusive dynamics I’d wager most of us have experienced at some point or other. I am very comfortable with people who realized their entire lives were controlled by their well-meaning but spiritually abusive churches identifying it as such, even if the motivation by the leadership wasn’t primarily consciously to prop themselves up, as Murray’s definition suggests. At the heart of why spiritual abuse is so difficult to address is that spiritually abusive leaders usually genuinely believe they are acting in accordance with what their faith demands.

By: David Murray

David Murray — Mon, 29 Aug 2016 03:37:00 +0000

Great insight Sue. I know exactly the kind of people you are talking about.

By: Susan Brungot Nye Ferrell

Susan Brungot Nye Ferrell — Sat, 27 Aug 2016 23:51:00 +0000

It isn’t just leaders David. It’s those who act as if they have an inside track on godliness, or that their ways in extra biblical areas are “the biblical one’s” and that all others are not. I have seen it done by women who lead bible studies, elders wives, anyone in charge of any aspect who appears to the younger, newer, weaker, tenderer plants, to be in charge or the wise older woman. I have known far too many who banter about the word “older woman” or Titus two woman as a way to sure up their invincibility and our requirement to listen to said person not just with respect due our elders and betters, but as if from the voice of God. Dominant personalities, and I myself am very enthusiastic and passionate, have to take extra care to make clear, when we are only sharing thoughts ideas opinions, and to help the younger and learning and tender shoots, see that they must prayerfull and with many counselors seek to find their way of wisdom on non-set in stone matters of Christian practice, ie, childbirth issues, nursing, schooling, parenting, wifing, and so on. Love your addressing this my old friend…please keep on! I’m sure you will hit many nerves.

By: Saturday Links - DashHouse -

Saturday Links - DashHouse - — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 21:45:19 +0000

[…] Reformed “Spotlight”: What is Spiritual Abuse? […]

By: Appendix i. Further Resources on Abuse of Clergy. – veritas praebita. (or, My Christian Education)

Wed, 29 Jun 2016 16:17:35 +0000

[…] part 2. What is Spiritual Abuse? […]

By: b

Wed, 27 Apr 2016 19:59:00 +0000

“One thing I think that it is necessary to add is the category of misapplications, overzealous, excessively strict, or the like of some kind of principle, program, discipleship model, hobby horse, and the like where the one in authority causes the spiritual harm or withering of those under them.”

Oh, never mind, I’m sorry I didn’t catch this part closely enough. Please disregard my previous comment…I think you got at the same idea.

By: b

Wed, 27 Apr 2016 18:18:00 +0000

“The reason the purpose clause is too strong is that it excludes those who really think of themselves as promoting a good thing and not serving their own interest or selfish empire. They view themselves a principled people.”

Abuse is defined by the reality of what actually occurs, despite whatever motivations or rationale that is used to justify it. That’s great that abusers might view themselves as “principled people.” It’s still abuse, and the fix isn’t to let them off the hook just because they meant well. The fix is for the abuser to repent and fix their “principles.”

Don’t let the abusers off just because they simply clamour, “Lord, Lord…”

By: h

Wed, 27 Apr 2016 16:50:00 +0000

Excellent post, and it highlights THE number one sin that is running rampant with today’s pastorate. Many engage in this spiritual abuse, which puts them explicitly in violation of 1 Peter 5:1-3; instead of seeking to be examples, they instead “lord it over” those of God’s flock whom they have been given charge.

And the sad thing is, this spiritual abuse is doubled-down upon when the few in the congregation seek to deal with it in the Biblical way, and us Bereans are generally shut down because of the desire to “promote, protect, or enrich a person or Christian institution.”

We need more posts like this and more repentance by today’s non-under-shepherds!