Mallinger begins his takedown of perfectionism by insisting that the opposite is the case, that the need to be right all the time often repels friends and associates. 

Nobody will ever feel empathy for you, love you, or enjoy being close to you simply because you are right or because you hardly ever make mistakes. It’s true that people may admire your abilities or knowledge. Being competent, circumspect, and smart is a plus, but these qualities alone will never win you love. (53).

So how do we change this core falsehood of perfectionism? With two statements (that sound suspiciously Christian):

1. “I don’t know.”

Next time you are asked a question and don’t know the answer, say so. Just say, “I don’t know.” Don’t fudge; don’t reel off a dozen possibilities to avoid admitting ignorance; don’t offer something you do know but that doesn’t answer the question. Just “I don’t know.”

2. “I was wrong.”

Next time you’re wrong about something, just admit it. Don’t explain why you made the mistake. Don’t show how anyone would have made that mistake under the circumstances. Don’t insist that your answer actually was correct but was misunderstood.

Mallinger says that instead of repelling people such admissions of imperfection will draw them to you.

Why not make some mistakes this weekend. It could make you some friends.

Previous posts on Perfectionism and Control: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.

According to Allan Mallinger in Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control, the perfectionist’s credo is:

1. If I always try my very best and if I’m alert and sharp enough, I can avoid error, everyday blunders, oversights, and poor decisions or choices.

 2. I must never make mistakes because they would show that I’m not as competent as I should be.

3. By being perfect, I can ensure my own security with others. They will admire me and will have no reason to criticize or reject me. 

4. My worth depends on how “good” I am, how smart I am, and how well I perform (pp. 37-38).

Based upon Mallinger’s explanation and many of my own observations, we can distinguish perfectionism from a healthy will to excel (excellence) in the following ways:

• Perfectionism is rigid; excellence is flexible.
• Perfectionism is self-defeating; excellence is health-giving.
• Perfectionism never satisfies; excellence gives pleasure.
• Perfectionism is impossible; the desire to excel is usually possible.
• Perfectionism does not distinguish between performing heart-surgery and washing dishes; excellence recognizes that some activities require more attention than others.
• Perfectionism cannot bear criticism; excellence seeks it and tries to grow through it.
• Perfectionism views failure as catastrophic; excellence views it as part of learning.
• Perfectionism procrastinates because of the fear of failing; excellence does what can be done each day.
• Perfectionism prefers safety to risk and rarely moves out of the comfort zone; excellence is more prepared to try new jobs and accept new challenges.
• A perfectionist must be right all the time; excellence accepts correction from others.
• A perfectionist’s sense of worth depends on perfect performance; excellence does not tie their identity to performance.
• A perfectionist can only see what’s lacking in a job or relationship; excellence sees what is good and enjoyable.
• A perfectionist clutters their communications (and sermons?) with too much boring and unnecessary detail (for fear of leaving anything out); excellence communicates with less detail but with more clarity, color, and effectiveness.
• A perfectionist might admit to general failings but refuses to be specific; excellence faces up to to both general and specific faults.
• A perfectionist is hyper-defensive of self and hyper-critical of others; excellence is more tolerant of others failings, having accepted and faced up to their own.

It’s little wonder then that perfectionists are among the most anxious, stressed, and unhappy people on the planet (and so are those who have to live with them). Next time, we’ll begin to replace the perfectionist’s false and destructive credo with a true and constructive credo.

See previous posts on Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control here. 

Most of us, obsessives included, would allow that life is fundamentally unpredictable. As hard as the best-intentioned, most conscientious person might try, it is impossible to control every aspect of one’s existence; we are vulnerable. Despite such lip service to these truths, however, somewhere near the center of their inner being, far from their conscious awareness, obsessives are trying to deny this reality. Their subtle but constant efforts to control everything in the world around them (and inside them) are an attempt to do the impossible: to guarantee security; to assure safe passage through the risks and uncertainties of living. (8)

The price of this attempt to control is an inability to show or share feelings, reluctance to trust anyone, loneliness, the stress of being perfect in everything, the fear of embarrassment, an over-sensitive conscience, a phobia about trying anything new, and an inability to relax and enjoy the moment.

In pages 10-12 of Too Perfect, Mallinger provides 25 self-test questions. The most piercing and telling in my view are:

2. Is it hard for you to let go of a work project until it’s just right—even if it takes much longer than it should?

4. Is it important to you that your child, spouse, or subordinates at work perform certain tasks in a certain specific manner?

9. Do you have a particularly strong conscience, or do you often feel guilty?

11. Are you especially wary of being controlled, manipulated, overpowered, or “steam-rollered” by others?

12. Is it important for you to get a “good deal” in your financial transactions, or are you often suspicious of being “taken”?

15. Is it hard for you to let yourself be dependent on others, rather than self-reliant? (For instance, are you uneasy about delegating tasks at work or hiring help with taxes or home repairs?)

17. In thinking about some future event, such as a vacation, a dinner party, or a job report, do you dwell upon the things that might go wrong?

18. Do you worry more than most people?

22. Do you feel guilty when you aren’t getting something done, even in your time off (no matter how hard you’ve worked all week)?

The number of “yes’s” is important, but even more so is the question: “Does this characteristic cause difficulties in relationships, work, or leisure activities, or does it interfere with your ability to enjoy life in general?”

To go back to the beginning though, at the root of all this, though often deeply buried in the psyche, is the irrational conviction, the myth, that perfect control can be achieved and can guarantee a safe and successful life. Dealing with that myth requires reason and revelation, but that will have to wait until next week now.