“Parenthood today is predicated on the unconditional exaltation of our children.”

“Every debate we have had about the role of parents can be traced back to the paring down of mothers’ and fathers’ traditional roles.”

“We’re confused about what child rearing requires, we know only what it doesn’t: teaching kids mathematics and geography and literature (schools do that); providing them with medical treatment (pediatricians); sewing them dresses and trousers (factories abroad, whose wares are then distributed by Old Navy); growing them food (factory farms, whose goods are then distributed by supermarkets); giving them vocational training (two-year colleges, classes, videos).”

“Parents no longer raise children for the family’s sake or that of the broader world. It is all for the child’s sake and the child’s alone.”

“Raising children is terribly hard work, often thankless and mind-numbing, and yet the most rapturous experience available to adults.”

“Parents are both happier and more miserable than nonparents.”

“Children provoke a couple’s most frequent arguments — more than money, more than work, more than in-laws, more than annoying personal habits, communication styles, leisure activities, commitment issues, bothersome friends, sex.”

“Despite far more women working outside the home, today’s mothers spend four hours a week more providing child care than 1965 mothers.”

“Fathers spend three times as many hours with their children now as they did then, but do better at keeping some downtime reserved for themselves; they do not judge themselves the way mothers do, and experience few of the pressures that make women feel so guilty about being away from home during the workday.”

“Homework is the new family dinner. It is the locus around which affection is played out.”

“Mothering and fathering aren’t just things we do. Being a mother or being a father is who we are.”

“Kids may complicate our lives, but they also make them simpler. Children’s needs are so overwhelming, and their dependence on us so absolute, that it’s impossible to misread our moral obligation to them.”

When Peter Enns’ six-year-old son expressed skepticism about the talking snake and the deadly fruit in the Garden of Eden, Enns replied: “You don’t really believe in God anymore? O.K., well, tell him.” He went on to explain:

Over the years, I have been thankful to God that I didn’t correct my son’s theology, for that would have been utterly stupid. Had I shamed him or coerced him into saying the right thing (so I would feel better about my parenting skills), I would have been responsible for creating another religious drone, another one who, at a young age, was already learning to play the religion game.

I’m sure Peter Enns is a far better father than I am in many ways. And I accept that no one knows a child’s particular needs like their own father or mother. But I hope no one thinks that this is THE model for dealing with their children’s spiritual doubts and unbelief.

Humpty Dumpty
While we want our children to be able to discuss their questions, doubts, and even unbelief, with us and with God, we can’t treat this in the same way as doubting the Humpty Dumpty narrative.

“You don’t believe in God anymore? OK”

OK?

It’s not OK. It’s a sin.

But it’s wonderfully forgivable.

That’s why we don’t just tell Him our doubts and unbelief. We confess it. God will not give us or our children victory over any sin, including unbelief, unless we repent of it and ask for faith.

And to be proud of not correcting the devilish theology that naturally arises out of our children’s sinful hearts? Heresy is more fatal than heroin. And to lovingly correct our children and teach them to submit their proud intellects to God’s Word is not to coerce or shame them into hypocrisy. It’s to love their souls more than they do themselves. It’s to intervene so that young heretics do not become old heretics, but rather live by faith and ultimately die in faith.

I believe, help my unbelief
Yes, let’s encourage our children to be honest with God, to pray about everything, even their worst doubts; but to do so in a spirit of contrition and humility, and with the prayer that God will always answer: “Lord I believe, help my unbelief!”

How about something like this: “Well my son, I’ve had my own struggles with doubt over the years. Faith does not come easily or naturally to any of us. But to doubt God or His Word is a serious matter that we should always repent of. So, why don’t we lay this unbelief before the Lord in humble confession, and ask Him to forgive us, and also to give us the gift of faith that will enable us to believe in Him and every one of His precious words.”

Proud Unbelief
After reflecting on his son’s skepticism, Enns concludes: “I am proud of that little six-year-old, who trusted himself enough not to play games.”

“Who trusted himself enough?”

The whole message of the Bible is trust God and not yourself. To trust yourself is to play a deadly game that no one has ever won.

As Spurgeon once said, “The man who goes through life trying to be consistent with himself will find out in the end that he’s been consistent with a devil.”

I’ve learned a lot about grace since being married – mainly in receiving it. But I’ve never learned so much about grace as I have in parenting teenagers – mainly in giving it.

• The grace to love them when they don’t want to be loved.
• The grace to love when they are not very loveable.
• The grace to keep giving when it seems I can never give enough.
• The grace to keep giving when there’s no giving in return.
• The grace to forgive when I know the sin will be repeated again…and again.
• The grace to ask forgiveness even when most of the sin was on the other side.
• The grace to say “Sorry” even if I will not be forgiven.
• The grace to communicate when there’s no communication in return.
• The grace to offer help when help is not welcomed.
• The grace to give advice, when the advice will be rejected.
• The grace to say “Yes” when they deserve a “No.”
• The grace to be resented for my love.
• The grace to be viewed as uncool rather than über trendy.
• The grace to not let the sun go down upon my anger.
• The grace to explain when I could simply demand.
• The grace to never be told, “Dad you were right and I was wrong.”
• The grace to be thought of as an enemy for trying to be a faithful friend.
• The grace to rejoice in their successes even when there are serious failings elsewhere.
• The grace to pursue reconciliation when I’m the wronged party.
• The grace to accept that I’ll never be the super-parent I wanted to be and others seem to be.

This is the hardest university I’ve ever been in, and I’m not sure if I’m ever going to graduate. If I do, it certainly won’t be with honors. However, I’m learning so much about God’s lifelong grace towards me (and about my parents’ grace towards me over 30 years ago), that I’d be willing to repeat the course.

By Anonymous.

What have you learned about grace in parenting teenagers?

Last week, I briefly touched on the serious eternal consequences of such false confidence. Today I’d like to highlight some of the more immediate spiritual damage that can sometimes be caused – both to the parents and their children.

Damage to the Parents

1. Proud parents: If I believe my parenting is the key to my children’s salvation, then I’ll boast and take the credit for it rather than give all the glory to God. And I’ll be very critical of the parenting and educating skills of Christians with rebellious children.

2. Sovereign parents: Presumptuous parenting tends to be very formulaic and mechanistic: 10 steps to this, 7 steps to that, etc. Though such parents may often speak of the sovereignty of God, in reality God is not sovereign in the salvation of their children – their skills and methods are. Instead of humbly and importunately begging a Sovereign God to exercise His powerful mercy to save their children, they present God with their parenting and educating, and sovereignly demand that He now do their bidding.

3. Frustrated parents: If I regard and treat my children as Christians when they are not, I am going to be in a state of constant frustration and disappointment when they misbehave. “Why are you doing that? Why are you not doing that? You’re a Christian, come on, act like one!” Yet, without regeneration, they don’t have a hope of meeting my standards, never mind God’s. They need our compassion not our frustration.

4. Despairing parents: What happens if, despite my best efforts, my children end up leaving the church or at least failing to profess faith and live a godly life in their late teens or early twenties? According to some, they have apostatized and left the faith. What despair! What a sense of failure after all my efforts! It’s all my fault.

5. Harsh parents: If I assume my child is a Christian and he is not acting like it, I’m going to use increasingly severe punishments to bring him into line. Because it all depends on me, doesn’t it?

Damage to Children

1. Proud children: If unconverted children are frequently told that they are special, that they are already Christians or “The people of God” (without any qualification of that term), they will inevitably see themselves as better than the unbaptized (or un-home-schooled) heathen. Instead of their privileges humbling them and making them see that to whomsoever much is given, much shall be required, they tend to rest on their “laurels” in complacent pride. As the Pharisees once said: “We be Abraham’s children.” Presumptuous parents produce presumptuous children.

2. Unevangelized children: Such children are taught lots of Christian doctrine and mega-details of Christian conduct, but rarely hear the Gospel from their parents. They are not told they are dead in sins and need to be born again. They are not told that they are shapen in sin and conceived in iniquity (Ps. 51) and that they need a new heart. They don’t have Christ set in front of them daily or from the pulpit as a suitable, sufficient, and willing Savior.

3. Vulnerable children: Such children can do outwardly well for a while…until they are confronted with temptation in the absence of the multiple external restraints. They go to college, or work away from home, or start a business, or enter a relationship, but have no inner spiritual resources to resist temptation and often begin to compromise in areas of personal morality and financial integrity. And even if they resist sin, without grace, they become self-righteous and self-confident Pharisees, which in some ways is even worse.

4. Joyless children: They do what they ought to do but without the inward fuel of joy and delight in God. Prayer and Bible reading and church are mere duties. They do it because they have to do it and have always done it and are expected to do it. Not because they need to, want to, or love to. They have enthusiasm for sport, entertainment, business, friends, hobbies, etc., but none for worship, Christian service, and spirituality.

5. Mislabeled children: Often when the children of presumptuous parents go astray, they are labeled as apostates who have departed from the faith. However, if they never had faith they can never leave the faith.

If such were baptized as infants, we might call them covenant-breakers, but they are not apostate. To call such children hopeless apostates, especially of the Hebrews 6 variety, is to put them outside the pale of prayer and evangelism.

But as they never professed saving faith in Christ, they are not treading the blood of Christ underfoot and treating it as an unworthy thing. No, they are simply rebellious sinners whose hearts have been revealed. They must be prayed for and witnessed to in hope of them repenting and believing the Gospel for the first time.

Optimistic Parenting
I’m not arguing for pessimistic parenting here. I’m arguing for optimistic parenting that is founded upon God’s Gospel promises (e.g. Jn. 3:16; 6:37; Rom. 10:9; Isa. 55:6; Acts 16:31).

I assume my children are born unregenerate, but I use all the means of grace God has made available through the church, education, and family religion, and optimistically preach the Gospel to them at every opportunity, reminding them again and again of both their privileges and responsibility.

My hope is not in my flawed covenant-keeping, my faulty educating, or my fail-filled child-training. My hope is in my merciful Savior sovereignly blessing His Gospel promises to the salvation of my children.

That’s the essence of My Chick Problem.

My two little girls are in tear-filled, chick-less pain. I can make it better by driving an hour north where more chicks are available. Should I?

For most people, it’s a no-brainer. The kids want; the parents can get; therefore get. Why let the kids “suffer”?

Well, I must admit, my first instinct was “Pull out the stops, Superhero, and ride to the rescue.” The unforgettably painful sight of two suddenly deflated little girls hanging tearfully over cold, lifeless chick bins would melt the harshest dictator’s heart. Instead of the much-anticipated cuddly, yellow, warmth – nothing. What’s a two-hour drive to fix this?

But with preaching tomorrow, can I really afford the time?

I know, PETCO. Just 10 mins down the road; grab a rabbit, a hamster, or some other rodent, and kill two birds with one stone (well, not literally, but you know what I mean).

Then I remembered my two pet rabbits from 35 years ago. STINK! And I know who’ll end up cleaning out the hut.

Hmmm.

Teaching time?
And Shona keeps whispering in my ear, “There’s a lesson in this, David.”

“I know, I know, but look at their faces.”

I so much want to be their hero.

What about another cat? I’ve resisted this for a year, after the trauma of hearing Fluffy’s squeal when she was half-squashed by a car; then having to tend her as she lay dying a week before she was due to give birth to her first kittens. Five little lives faded before my eyes. Anyway, I’m trying to block that.

Cellphone + Craigslist = $5 kitten within 30 mins. Superdad rides to the rescue!

But should I?

There is a lesson in this. More than one: you can’t get everything you want; if you set your heart too much on something, God can take it away; if happiness depends on things – even lovely, cuddly, yellow things – what happens when there are no things?

Am I willing to sacrifice these invaluable life lessons for the sake of being a temporary Superhero? Will I give up the opportunity to teach self-denial, patience, contentment, and submission to my children – just to make them (and me) feel better for a short time?

Decision Time
Four days later, we are still pet-less. (Hope you don’t hate me!) One of the girls bounced back quite quickly. The other moped and mourned a bit for a half day or so. But I steeled my heart and stayed the course.

The “compromise” is that we will probably get another cat…eventually, once the lessons have been really learned, by the girls…and by me.

Because I think this was sent to teach me more than them. I learned more about God in these empty chick bins and wet eyes than I have in many a sermon. My Father sees my pain and can relieve it in an instant. But He “reluctantly” chooses not to.

Because He wants to be much more than a briefly-appreciated Superhero delivering me from outward troubles and trials. He wants to be my Savior, delivering me from my sin and drawing me into a deeper relationship with Him.

Photo Credit: BigStockPhoto.

“No, dear.”

“Can I have a dog, then?”

“No. Ask Tim Challies about that.”

“What about a hamster?”

“Nope.”

“Rabbit?”

“Probably not.”

“A cat?”

“Come on, girls, you know what happened to the last one.”

“OK Dad…”

Stonewall Crumbles
My daughters (10&8) and I have this conversation quite regularly, probably every two months. And I’ve held out, heroically. Until this week, that is. I finally succumbed on Thursday. And what breached my hitherto impregnable defenses?

Yes, chicks! I know, its pathetic isn’t it.

They spied baby chickens at Farm & Household on Thursday, came home, and begged and begged until at last I yielded when they promised that it would only be for six weeks; then they would go to a farm or homestead.

Two almost sleepless nights followed as they excitedly looked forward to picking them up on Saturday. “CHICKS, CHICKS, CHICKS” was written with highlighter on their calendar.

For them, Saturday morning passed like a year as I worked on building a retaining wall in our yard. They hovered nearby to make sure I lived long enough to pick up the little creatures.

Having got everything ready to house and care for the anticipated new arrivals, we jumped in the car after a barely-eaten lunch, and drove the short distance while the new chick experts twittered away about their plans for the unsuspecting birds. We tried to calm them down, as I said to my wife, like only a good Scottish Calvinist would, “This can only end in tears!” (Little did I know…)

They sprinted ahead of us towards the chick bins, but when we finally caught up, we could tell from their faces that disaster had struck.

Chick Question
“They’re gone, Daddy!”

By now the tears were welling.

“Don’t worry, girls, I’m sure there’ll be more.”

“Afraid not,” said the assistant, “Not till next Spring.”

OK, now I start worrying…as the tears start flowing (mainly theirs).

The assistant then threw me a lifeline: “You might be able to get some if you travel up North….”

Four wet eyes look up at Daddy, plaintively.

What happened next? That’s the parental challenge of the week! What are my options? What would you have done? What spiritual/life lessons would you try to teach in this situation?

Let me have your suggestions, and tomorrow I’ll tell you what I actually did.

Hope you won’t hate me for it!

From what I have experienced, and also witnessed in pastoral ministry, there seems to be three tensions that define the teenage years.

Family v Friends
Obviously as children grow older they need family less and less – they think. They are not so dependent on their parents for food, drink, clothing, guidance, protection, etc. They spend more  and more time outside the home in school, sports and church activities. They meet more and more young people and begin to form friendships and relationships with them. All this is natural and normal.

However it also produces an increasingly problematic tension at home. Usually unnoticed before it is too late, the child’s focus is no longer on home, family, parents and siblings, but on friends, friends, and more friends. The children spend less and less time at home and invest less and less time in family relationships. And then Facebook enters to increase the tension even more by enabling children to be focused and engaged with friends 24/7, even when in the family home.

If unchecked, this unbalanced focus on friends can be carried into marriage, resulting in lonely spouses and practically orphaned children.

Questions to ask our teenagers: Where is your primary focus – family or friends? Do you give more honor and respect to your friends than to your parents, brothers and sisters? What are you doing to make this home happier? What have you done to serve your parents or siblings today?

Relationships v Riches
As parents lavish more and more upon their children, the children may begin to define their relationship to their parents in terms of what they get from them – toys, iPods, snowboards, Wii’s, horses, clothes, vacations, etc. So children start selling their love to their parents.

And parents unwittingly cooperate with this by thinking that unless their children get the same as other children, they will grow up to hate their Mom and Dad. So parents start buying their children’s love.

Again, children often bring this economic view of relationships into other friendships and even their marriages, as they define their happiness in a relationship by what they can get out of it.

Questions to ask our teenagers: Do you love your possessions more than your parents? How would you respond if all your possessions were taken away, and all you had left were Mom and Dad? How much do you think about giving as opposed to getting? If you had the choice between your Mom and Dad in poverty or another Mom and Dad with millions, what would you choose?

Education v Entertainment
Children sometimes view school as either a means to an end (a good job and salary) or as a necessary (and sometimes unnecessary) evil. They live for evening and weekend sports, games, and recreation. Education is so boring. Entertainment is so stimulating. Boys especially tend to do the bare minimum to keep teachers and parents off their backs. But when it comes to skateboarding, hunting, snowboarding or computer games they come to life and practice, practice, practice until they excel!

This too carries over into adult life, as work is seen as a means to an end or as a necessary evil, rather than the place God has put them to glorify Him.

Questions to ask our teenagers: Do you see your school and your education as your divine calling – the place that God has called you to serve and glorify Him in? How much enthusiasm for excellence do you have for Math, English, etc? If the Lord Jesus was your teacher, would he be happy with your schoolwork?

Tensions
I’ve set out three tensions, and that’s what they are. They are not three choices; it’s not that we and our children must choose family instead of friends, parents instead of possessions, and education instead of entertainment. Every parent-child relationship will have both elements of these three equations to one degree or another. The problem is when the balance of them falls on the wrong side consistently and excessively.

The “world” whispers (and sometimes shouts), “Unless you focus primarily on friends, possessions, and entertainment, you will lose your children’s love!” The Bible says otherwise.

How much we need to cry, “Lord I believe, help my unbelief!” And one of the ways He helps us is by driving us away from our own wisdom and strength, and towards prayer for Gospel power to change our children’s hearts.

This is not a battle we win once, but a battle we have to fight every day. Often we drift imperceptibly into imbalances, and we have to suddenly and painfully re-balance. Maybe reading this will at least help you to recognize the nature of the battle. And that’s often more than half the battle.

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