Over at the Happy Christian blog today I give six tips on how to get the most out of family dinner. Here’s an encouraging video by Bruce Feiler on the same subject that you might want to watch as well. His research-based tips include:

- Having kids set the table or help you prepare dinner makes them work together on a task. This increases bonding and reduces the likelihood of fights at the table.

- To increase communication at the table, play “Bad and Good” where everyone, including the parents, say what bad thing happened to them and then what good thing happened that day.

- Talk about your family history. The number one predictor of a child’s emotional well-being is a knowledge of their family history.

- Talk about your failures in order to prepare them for the difficult times and help them get through them.

- The biggest pitfall is allowing devices at the table.

- Pitfall number two is parents do too much of the talking. The research shows parents do two-thirds of the talking at dinnertime. That should be closer to 50% maximum.

“There is more happiness in the godly dinner of herbs than in the stalled ox of profane rioters.” Charles Spurgeon*

Social science and common sense agree on one thing: the family that eats together, stays together. But how? Here are some helpful tips I’ve picked up along the way.

Read my six tips here.

How about this for some modern logic:

1. Families are a massive blessing to society and to individuals

2. Families are facing extraordinary pressures, obstacles, and burdens.

3. This is an ideal time to redefine what a family is.

The first two premises are taken from Michael Wear’s article in The Atlantic, The American Family Is Making A Comeback and, as Wear’s article demonstrates, almost everyone agrees with them. The fallacious conclusion is what we see going on all around us, especially in politics, the media, the judiciary, and education, but also in the business world too.

Using only Wear’s piece, let’s take a closer look at the facts and quotes supporting the first two premises in order to feel more deeply the fallacy of the conclusion.

1. Families are a massive blessing to society and to individuals

“Our current policies have failed to address this new landscape, and because of it we are inhibiting one of our nation’s greatest contributors to the public good, and Americans’ most personal aspirations: family.”

“It can be easy to miss the value of family to our nation because its contributions are so ingrained into our lives.”

“Its value can be partly calculated by estimating the cost of broken families because when Americans don’t have family to care for them, government must step in to provide those services.”

• State and federal governments spend billions of dollars each year to care for children in foster care ($9 billion through Title IV-E of the Social Security Act alone.)
• There are longer-term costs for children who grow up outside of safe, permanent families as well, including the $5.1 billion the government spends incarcerating former foster-care youth each year.
• Familial bonds help defray the costs of caring for the elderly.
• In 2009, 61.6 million Americans gave uncompensated care to an adult “with limitations in daily activities” at some point during the year—an economic value of $450 billion in unpaid services.

“From cradle to grave, the social and personal benefits of a healthy family, and the costs of its absence, are evident.”

“Every family in America is a little business … in fact, the word economy comes from the Greek word ‘oikos,’ which means home. Every home is a little economy. And when those little economies struggle and suffer … then America fails.”

“In 2009, the Brookings Institute released a study that, among other things, said if you graduate from high school, get a job, get married and then have children (in that order), your chance of being in poverty is just 2 percent.”

2. Families are facing extraordinary pressures, obstacles, and burdens.

“Marriage is on the decline, birthrates are down, and divorce rates are high.”

“The strains on families and family formation are real, rational, and profound.”

“The old-fashioned family plan of stably married parents residing with their children remains a source of considerable power in America—but one that is increasingly seen as out of reach to all but the educated elite.”

“The average American family is poorer than it was 10 years ago.”

“Over the last 40 years changes in the workforce and growing socioeconomic inequality have conspired to stoke familial instability.”

Student loan debt is causing many to delay marriage.

“Today, it is harder and harder to be good parents and good workers for many working families. That’s a tradeoff that is neither good for our country or our families.”

“Our country—whether through tax policy or through the rhetoric of our current president—does very little to support the institution of marriage.”

“The popular conception of the American Dream is a spouse, two and a half kids, and your own house with a car in the garage and a picket fence around the yard. When we talk about the American Dream slipping away, we tend to focus on the possessions: the house, the car, the picket fence. At a time when the income of American families is declining, this makes some sense…. [But] it is a more fundamental hope that is challenged today. The people that make up the American Dream—the spouse, the children, our dearest relationships—seem out of reach for millions of Americans.”

3. This is an ideal time to redefine what a family is.

Given these two premises, we would expect some moves to support families better and some of these are highlighted in the article.

We should consider options—tax credits, interest-rate incentives, family-friendly zoning and city planning—that align America’s interest in marriage as a public good, and stability as an important factor in a child’s educational and social development, with our housing policies.

Wear commends some British moves and calls for something similar in the USA:

British Prime Minister David Cameron has recognized the new burdens families face. He recently announced that policies in the U.K. must pass a “family test,” which means “every single domestic policy that government comes up with will be examined for its impact on the family.”

However, there’s a massive elephant stampeding round the room, and it’s the utter refusal to define family in the same way as its Inventor, and also to reject all counterfeit substitutes. As even Wear notes:

For all the “pro-family” policies that progressives are putting forward none of them explicitly value stable, two-parent families over other family types

Democrats continue to show no interest in meeting Ross Douthat and Reihan Salam’s call to “stigmatize illegitimacy indirectly” through tax benefits available only to married parents.

As the costs of family breakdown become even more apparent, Democrats’ no-judgment approach may seem insufficient in the face of a demographic and sociological tidal wave.

Glimmers of hope

Wear does highlight a few conservative republican efforts to support traditional families while also helping families that face different and less-than-ideal realities. But after summarizing the American dream with a focus on the people who make the dream a dream, he concludes:

Politics alone cannot restore this hope, but it will only further fuel Americans’ cynicism if Washington does nothing to address it.

Let’s not give up the fight for biblical marriage and the biblical family. We may have lost the argument based on Bible verses. But there are going to be plenty of shocking statistics to build arguments upon in the coming years. It’s just sad and cruel to think of the many millions who will be damaged as a result of the biggest and most dangerous social experiment ever conducted.

We have but one weapon left in our battle against gay marriage.

The happy Christian family.

We’ve lost the media, we’ve lost the polls, we’ve lost the courts, we’ve lost the major parties, we’ve lost most politicians, we’ve lost the universities and colleges, we’ve lost the military, we’ve lost the workplace, and we’ve even lost many churches.

But we’ve not lost our families.

And the happy Christian family is potentially our greatest asset.

If there’s one thing that people are persuaded by, it’s happiness.

Our society has no idea how this terrible experiment with marriage and the family is going to play out in the coming years. No one can know the long-term consequences, especially for children. No supporter of gay marriage can predict the eventual impact of this massive cultural and societal revolution. It’s a fearful leap into the unknown that will result in unfathomable damage to innumerable multitudes of children (and adults). Our social services, our schools, our healthcare providers, and our criminal justice system are going to be picking up the tab for decades to come.

Incalculable Cost
If we thought the price tag of the 1960′s heterosexual revolution was high, get your biggest calculator out because the physical, emotional, societal, and psychological cost of this is going to be stratospheric and catastrophic.

And here’s where our opportunity lies.

Starting now, let all Christian parents double and triple their efforts to build Christian marriages and Christian families on the Word of God. Let’s demonstrate the superiority of God’s way. Lets prayerfully dedicate ourselves to loving one another as never before. Let’s call our children to be missionaries and witness for the power of Christian parenting. In private and in public let’s show how God’s way is the happiest and the healthiest way. If we’ve been bad examples and bad commercials for Christian marriage and parenting, let’s repent, seek God’s grace, and re-commit to God and to one another. Let’s show the world how happy our marriages are, and how happy the Christian family is - even through life’s ups and downs.

Two Models
Make no mistake, there are going to be two “models” of the family fighting it out in the coming years: the Christian model and the “everything else” model - homosexual, polygamous, polyamorous (don’t ask), and who knows what else.

Yes, we can and must protest and critique all these perversions of God’s order, but above all we’ve got to live out God’s order in as compelling and beautiful and persuasive a way as possible.

It’s going to take time. And there will be suffering along the way. Some of us are going to lose our jobs, our money, and even our liberty. But that’s just going to provide an even greater stage and shine an even brighter spotlight on Christian families to show the power of the Gospel in the family order that God has wisely designed and provided for humanity.

Anecdotes and Statistics
Initially all we’ll have are impressions and anecdotes, as people see, observe, and draw their own inevitable conclusions when they compare how the two models are working out. But eventually we will have statistics on our side as well, as sociologists begin to compile the facts and figures from our schools, our hospitals, our mental health institutions, our businesses, our social services, and so on. Eventually the case will be a slam dunk and there will be a frantic search for the rewind button.

Obviously this is all predicated on the assumption that God will continue to spare us, and not deal with us as He dealt with Sodom, while this awful experiment is played out. Abraham’s prayer gives me great hope in that regard (Genesis 18:22-33).

In the meantime, let’s make the happiness of our families our greatest aim in life and make it clear to all the world not just what we are AGAINST, but also what we are FOR, and to do so in a way that will persuade more effectively than any amount of blog posts.

This post is from my assistant, Sarah Perez, who was recommended to me by EA Help. She has been working with me for over a year and a half, helping me with research, appointments, travel arrangements, blog maintenance, etc. Sarah works from home (in California) and has two young children, ages 3 1/2 and 9 months. The She Shed article sparked a conversation between us, and I asked her to write about how she has learned to manage a beneficial routine with her children, how she has incorporated time for the children to play by themselves, helping her to maintain good mental and emotional health.

After David wrote in The She Shed about how his kids had a set aside time to play alone each day, I asked him, “Have you heard of Baby Wise?”

Baby Wise is a book written by Gary Ezzo and pediatrician Dr. Robert Bucknam (some of you may know of Ezzo from the Growing Kids God’s Way curriculum). The book offers a method of caring for your babies and young children that involves establishing regular routines to ensure your baby is sleeping well, eating well, and playing well. Throughout my time as David’s assistant, I’ve become very familiar with his work and had laughed to myself before about how similar his material on adult self-care reminds me of the baby-care outlined in Baby Wise! I’m here today to offer the moms in David’s readership a brief summary.

A Baby Wise Summary

The core of Baby Wise is the routine, and the authors point especially to the benefits of proper sleep habits. When your child is a newborn, you begin by establishing a regular routine of Eat-Wake-Sleep. Some babies will fall into this very naturally and others will never look exactly textbook, but the routine itself remains valuable. Just as your preschooler or 3rd grader thrives on the routine her teacher has in place at school, your baby will thrive on the routine you establish at home.

The authors call this routine “parent-directed.” This is in contrast to being completely child-led or completely clock-led. Parent-directed falls in the middle – the parent takes into account both clock time and the child’s current needs to make an informed decision on what needs to be done. When the routine is established, it truly takes out a lot of guess work when your baby starts fussing. You know when he’ll probably be hungry, sleepy, or when he might just need a change of scenery. Likewise, when the basics are consistently covered, it will be easier to tell when something is truly wrong. As the baby gets older, the routine will transition seamlessly to appropriate set times for feeding and sleeping. Having consistency in place can bring security and confidence for both Mom and Baby.

In terms of your self care, the routine ensures you will have pockets of time you can use to recharge. Kids are kids — there are always going to be surprises, but you will know with reasonable certainty what time things are going to happen each day. You can schedule appointments, manage the household, carve out quiet time with God, and above all, simply minimize the craziness!

The routine becomes even more valuable with multiple children. The older children are more flexible, and with a little pre-planning, you can match things up so that everybody is in sync. For me, this means that (among other things) I can schedule video meetings with David and be relatively certain we won’t be disturbed.

Solo Playtime

When managing your child’s day, the Baby Wise series suggests adding in Independent Playtime, just like David talked about in “The She Shed.” I learned most about Independent Playtime from this Baby Wise blog, and it became something I implemented early on with both children. In my family, we call it “Solo Playtime” because that’s a lot easier for a young child to say.

Just as it is good for adults to have some time alone each day, it’s good for children, too. When your child has solo playtime, it gives her a chance to learn how to entertain herself, to exercise independence, to use creativity, and to develop her attention span. Furthermore, for introverted children, this is a necessary time to recharge! For you, it is another pocket of time when you can take care of yourself, your home, or read your favorite book.

You can truly start this practice as early as you want. For a young baby, this is simply giving the baby a few minutes each day on the play mat in which you are out of his line of sight. If the baby is not your first child, this is probably happening anyway! If needed, you can even put the mat in the playpen and walk away.

If you have never established Solo Playtime with your child, I suggest starting with about 15 minutes and growing from there (maybe even less for the very young). Be sure your expectations are realistic. You can’t expect a 9 month old to handle an hour at a time, but you can expect that of a child. I suggest finding a regular time in the day’s routine when your child is well-rested and well-fed. And, it should go without saying, but make sure the space is safe — babies in a playpen or crib with a few safe toys, children in a thoroughly child-proofed room. Use a baby monitor if needed to hear what’s going on.

I like to use a timer on my phone to set a clear boundary for solo playtime. My 3 1/2 year old daughter plays alone in her room for about 45 minutes each day (although after reading David’s article, I think I might try a whole hour!) and when the timer goes off, she knows she can come out. She loves getting to press the button to start and stop the timer, and by keeping it with me on my phone, I can adjust the time up or down as needed.

If you are interested in learning more about Baby Wise, you can buy the book here or check out this blog. A word of caution — when you embark on routine setting for your family and children, it is easy to get obsessive, especially if you’re the type of personality that already thrives on structure and routine. Remember that the purpose is to minimize the craziness, not add to it! Pray for wisdom, flexibility, and peace. Work with your kids’ natural tendencies, not against them. And remember that more than any other worldly advice, as wise as it may be, follow first the Good Shepherd who gently leads along the mother sheep with their young (Isaiah 40:11).