ࡱ>  zbjbj|:|: yPPl 8|SL,q(q(q(q(L)"n) z)X,Z,Z,Z,Z,Z,Z,-E0JZ,)L)L)))Z,,q(q(o,,,,)0q(q(X,,)X,,,,`PVR*N,$,4,0,,0,0,,,))) Q:   LECTURE 5 THE PASTORS FAMILY 1. THE PASTORS HOME 1.1 Family must come before the ministry: In the recovery period after Jim's tonsillectomy, compounded with flu, "Jim beginning to seem somewhat better. Read books to him yesterday and today." The care for the family extended, of course, to looking after his own mother: "This day started on Mother's bedroom in the morning, plastered, bought paint and gave ceiling one coat. Joyce came home and slept at Grandma's bed at 12:45 A.M." Again: "Worked long hours on other things relating to Joyce's going away" (Joyce had quit her job in Montreal and had returned home long enough to pack up and move to Hamilton, Ontario, almost five hundred miles away, to begin nurses' training). In other words, whatever his own struggles, Tom was certainly not neglecting his own family. (1/85) 1.2 Make family worship a priority: Meals were for conversation as well as for food, and while topics were suitably diverse, they often became theological. Dad liked to explain things. Usually family devotions took place after the evening meal. Everyone had to have a Bible because each person read a verse, turn and turnabout, invariably starting with Mum, until the chapter or other unit was finished. Older friends remember little Jimmy, still in a high chair, holding his Bible, required to "reading" his verse when his turn came around by repeating the words, phrase by phrase, as another member of the family read them out to him. This part of the exercise was inviolable, regardless of visitors, including friends from school, all of whom had to be given a Bible and participate by reading his or her verse as it came up. Most often Dad led in prayer; sometimes it was Mum; rarely it was everyone in the family. (1/70) Family Worship had heretofore been held only on Sabbath Day in his fathers house; but the young Christian, entering into conference with his sympathizing mother, managed to get the household persuaded that there ought to be daily morning and evening prayer and reading of the bible and holy singing. This the more readily, as he himself agreed to take part regularly in the same, and so relieve the old warrior of what might have been proved for him to arduous spiritual toils! And so began in his seventeenth year that blessed custom of Family prayer, morning and evening, which my father practiced probably without one single avoidable omission till he lay on his deathbed, seventy-seven years of age; when, even to the last day of his life, a portion of Scripture was read, and his voice was heard softly joining in the Psalm, and his lips breathed the morning and evening Prayer, - falling in sweet benediction on the heads of all his children, far away many of them over all the earth, but all meeting him there at the Throne of Grace. None of us can remember that any day ever passed unhallowed thus; no hurry for market, no rush for business, no arrival of friends or guests, no trouble or sorrow, no joy or excitement, ever prevented at least our kneeling around the family altar, while the High Priest led our prayers to God, and offered himself and his children there. And blessed to other, as well as too ourselves, was the light of such example! I have heard that, in long after-years, the worst woman in the village of Torthorwald, then leading an immoral life, but since changed by the grace of God, was known to declare, that the only thing that kept her from despair and from hell of the suicide, was when in the dark winter night she crept so close underneath my fathers window, and heard him pleading in Family Worship that God would convert the sinner from the error of wicked ways, and polish him a jewel as the Redeemers crown. I felt, said she, that I was a burden on that good mans heart, and I knew that God would not disappoint him. (6/14) 1.3 Be fervent and fresh in family worship as well as public worship: One thing today struck me. I should seek to be earnest and warm in family worship as well as in public, and I must watch to be useful at the table. I have been helped in family prayer remarkably ever since that day in October I sought special assistance in the matter. This morning I got a most humbling view of myself in connection with family worship, how that has been with me very much a formality for a long time, not preparing my heart for it, not expecting to gain blessing, not intent upon getting blessing, as I continually set myself in for a series of meeting in the congregation. Revive and quicken me, O Lord! Testing myself even by family worship I can discover real backsliding; for it has been often a service without earnestness, without delight, almost a form. (12/157-158, 327, 383) 1.4 Have an open home for ministry: My first meeting with the man under whom I served my first internship, Ernie Keefe, had a rather different character. I was just a lad. Dad was out, and Mum, never very strong, often needed a rest in the afternoon. On this day she told me that a couple of pastors were going to arrive at the door, and would I let them into the living room and talk with them until she got up from the rest she needed; These two men, one of them Ernie Keefe, arrived as announced, and I let them in. We had barely sat down when one of them asked me, "Do you know where we were last night?" I didn't have a clue and" said so. They smiled and said, "In jail." Our house regularly attracted more than its share of troubled people, partly because the chapel and the home were one building, and partly because Dad was a soft touch. When he returned a couple of hours later, Mum informed him that a couple of "jailbirds" were in the living room. Dad almost panicked until he discovered who they were. (1/66, 67) 1.5 Ensure a level of privacy for your family: Billy Graham returned from India to a new home. The house on Assembly Drive had long been too small and too public. Tourists not only peered through the hedge - thirty-one were counted on one Sunday in August-they forced themselves into the yard, even into the house, and gave the children money to pose for photographs. In 1955, friends at Montreat and elsewhere surprised the Grahams by raising a fund for the building of a house on their remote mountain land. (1/86) The principal pressure for most arises from the home being the working base. We work from home, we interview people in our home, and our home is the place to which people come in times of distress. If we are not about, and our wife is present, then she has to stop in to help where she can. (20/216) 1.6 Expect money worries: At the same time as the bad book case, another issue was also putting a strain on relations between Edwards and some in his congregation. It concerned the delicate matter of his salary. But the actual salary figure was not the only problem. The money for ministerial support was commonly raised in New England by rates in the parish which were collected by constables. This system could well lead to delays in the payment of all that was due. As early as 1734 Edwards had to complain, I never have been at so much difficultly to get my salary as I have been this year. Ten years later the problem remained and the same month, as the discipline issue erupted, Sarah Edwards exercising her managerial role in the household wrote to one of the town officials or constables. Northampton March 26 1744 Sir, Mr. Sheldon jest now informs me that you cannot send all the money as the time Mr. Edwards is rid out and therefore I write to desire you send some as much as you possibly can for Mr. Edwards is under such obligations that he cant possibly do without it and therefore must up all possible pains to procure it. This is from your friend and servant . Sarah Edwards. (3/277-279) The pastor's obligation to provide for his family do not mean that his wife and children should expect to live a life of luxury. It means that they have a right to expect that their breadwinner will provide enough for them to have a life-style at least commensurate with the standard of living enjoyed by the majority of the people in their congregation and by the people living in the surrounding community. (19/92) 1.7 Your home life will determine your pastoral usefulness: New Testament qualifications for church leaders link spiritual usefulness in the home with spiritual effectiveness in the body of Christ. (20/215) 2. THE PASTORS WIFE 2.1 God provides a ministers wife: Tom's years at seminary also witnessed a blossoming romance with Elizabeth Margaret Maybury, who had been a student at TBS ahead of Tom. Margaret was born in London, England, and emigrated to Canada with her siblings and widowed mother when Margaret was fourteen. More than two years older than Tom, Margaret was already a nurse and midwife. In terms of grades at the Seminary, she usually did better than Tom. After her years at TBS she returned to nursing and applied to three different missions, volunteering to serve in Africa. They all turned her down for health reasons: she suffered from chronic anemia. So she agreed to marry Tom. (1/31, 32) 2.2 Make sure your wife is on board: Besides the biblical considerations we have explored, there are some practical concerns also. Because the pastorate is so demanding, a pastor's wife must be in sympathy with her husband's selection of the ministry as his life career. If he is to perform his ministry with any degree of assurance, he needs to know that he has her full support. Should there be a significant degree of hesitancy on her part, it might be wise for him not to accept a pastoral call. The issue is one the couple should settle before he goes to seminary, if at all possible. If they cannot agree, he should consider delaying his seminary entrance until they do. If they marry while he is in seminary, they should discuss the matter carefully before the wedding to ascertain that they are of one mind. (19/71) 2.3 Your wife is an important factor in your usefulness: Such help as he had from others during his life and ministry was limited and impermanent but his marriage to Sarah Pierrepont in New Haven on July 28 1727 brought a strength and sweetness to his side which was to abide though the next thirty years. As Samuel Miller observes, perhaps no event of Mr. Edwards life have a more close connection with his a subsequent comfort and usefulness than his marriage. (3/93) Beyond any other human support was his mountain home at Montreat and the inestimable contribution of Ruth. (1/63) Although he would often work on a new book while on vacation in some warm climate, his home and family formed the human bedrock of his ministry and his life. (1/141) 2.4 Work hard at your marriage: Billy endured Ruth's early adventures in cooking without complaining, and Ruth the muddle on Billy's desk and his habit of treating the top of the bathroom door as a towel rack. They differed in temperament and in many ideas. "If you agree on everything, there's not going to be much growth for either one," Ruth commented long after. "I don't think happy marriages are ever accidental. They are the result of good, hard work." The Grahams's love for one another fast grew deep and abiding. (1/32) The pastor must by all means establish and preserve his reputation as being a "one-woman kind of man." He does that by exerting great effort to become and remain extremely close to his wife. He enhances his good reputation by mentioning often in public how attached he is to his wife, how dependent he is on her, and what a marvelous wife she is. If she lacks many "marvelous" characteristics, perhaps he can dwell on the few she does have. If we look hard enough we are bound to find something for which we can praise a person. (19/6) 2.5 Keep your wife second to God and encourage her to do the same with herself: I thought in my case the course of true love had rub smooth, because we had tried to acknowledge the Lord and keep each other in our place. I felt something of the incompleteness of earthly gladness, Whatever be our gladness, this is not our heaven. I trust the Lord is making is beware of seeking a heaven out of each other. 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"https://sites.google.com/site/ministryproject/home/samuel-davies/sd-attachments/39.pdf?attredirects=0" HYPERLINK "https://sites.google.com/site/ministryproject/home/samuel-davies/sd-attachments/39.pdf?attredirects=0"GodHYPERLINK "https://sites.google.com/site/ministryproject/home/samuel-davies/sd-attachments/39.pdf?attredirects=0".(13/39) 2.7 Marriage may come late in life: But before he could truly settle to this new stage of life in Britain there was one outstanding matter to be settled. In Philadelphia he had left Valerie Knowlton, now the holder of a Harvard doctorate and Assistant Professor of Anatomy at the womens Medical College of Pennsylvania, but their regular letters, maintained for twelve years whenever they were away from each other , have long become insufficient. Even at Badbea, life without Valerie could not be contemplated, and thus at last, in the autumn of 1967, their friends head the long-expected news that the wedding was to be at the Hall of the Free Church of Scotland, Migdale, Bonar Bridge, on 7 December with a reception following at the Brigde hotel. In their joy at the event none asked why it had not come about earlier. In any case, as John Murray half smiling revealed, sixty-nine was no family record for a first marriage. If I marry in the next year, he was heard to say on the Westminster Campus in 1966, I will be younger than my grandfather was at his marriage! (5/86) 2.8 Consider the possibility of a calling to be single: The most widespread John Stott rumor was that he had sworn off women as an early age in order to devote himself to the ministry. Ive never taken a vow of celibacy, he says, in fact, when I was in my twenties and thirties, I was expecting to marry. There were to particular people who attracted me, although not simultaneously! Its difficult to explain what happened. All I can really say is that when I have to make up my mind whether to go forward to commitment, I lacked assurance that this was Gods will for me. So I drew back. Having done it twice, I realized it was probably God calling me to be single, Looking back over me life, I think I know why God called me to be single because I could never possibly have travelled or written and I have done if I had had the responsibilities of family. It has been lonely in some ways, but Im grateful for a very large circle of friends. (4/330) 2.9 Help your wife develop her gifts: The most important thing is that she attempt to discover and develop the fits God has given to her as Christian woman and to blossom and flower within those areas. It is the obligation of her husband to help her to do so. (19/72) 2.10 Advice from a pastors wife: 1. A wife should never criticize her husband's messages. When asked, she should point out the good points first and then share her ideas on how her husband may improve. 2. The pastor's wife should never attempt to pry information out of her husband following one of his counseling sessions. If he feels that the information is pertinent, he will share it with her. 3. A pastor's wife should keep her home a welcome one. Not only should she invite people in when they knock at her door, and not keep them standing outside on the doorstep, she should be sensitive to why they have come. Are they in need, or are they simply making a friendly visit? 4. On Sundays in the church building, the pastor's wife should be friendly to everyone, not just to her special friends. 5. A pastor's wife should be a good listener, and she should be slow to give advice. 6. The pastor's wife should speak cautiously. Many times it is better to leave things unsaid. If in doubt, don't say it! 7. An informed pastor's wife should be familiar with her husband's library. Often she will be asked questions on vital issues such as marriage, death, and prayer. It is nice to know where she can find some of the answers. 8. How busy a wife wants to be in the church should depend not only on her own abilities, but how busy her husband wants her to be. 9. If a wife is employed, no matter how enamored she may be with her position, her husband's ministry necessarily demands the highest priority. (19/82,83) A pastor and wife received this card on their thirtieth wedding anniversary. "To dad who for 30 years ruled the roost. To mom who for thirty years ruled the rooster." In reality, as their children well knew, togetherness and mutual submission were key ingredients, in their marriage. (24/118) 2.11 Help your wife with practical matters: Financial pressures tend to be felt most by a wife. Our own time is so filled with our works demands that we may push such practical concerns from the forefront of our minds (20/223) 2.12 Protect your wife from unrealistic expectations: Our wife may have to battle with the high expectations people have of her as a pastors wife, of her husband and even of her children. Although she is not salaried by the church as we may be, church members may often treat her as if she were. Since we are called to teach and preach, our church fellowship may make the unhelpful and unfounded assumption that our wife is qualified and willing to do similar service in other areas of church life. The assumption may be right, but some wives are put into an intolerable straightjacket by such expectations. The pressures then lead to tensions often within the marriage, marring both partners spiritual effectiveness. There should be a clear understanding from the beginning as early as preliminary interviews with regard to a possible call to pastoral responsibility that the husbands call does not mean that his wife should automatically lead the womens or young wives meeting or undertake similar tasks. Her principal contribution is her (support of her husband and the care of her family. (20/225) 2.13 Keep and encourage confidentiality The confidentiality we expect of our fellow-elders business we must follow ourselves. But what we would be happy for them to share, we may share. It is good to be able to practice the kind of honesty in which we can say to our wife, If I do not share something with you, it is so that if asked by someone who is inquisitive you will be able to say honestly I dont know. If sharing of everything possible is our practice, there will be no resentment when we do not, but understand and gratitude. (20/228) Loneliness, the temptation to jealousy and the burden of confidentiality are three problems wives face about which we need to be sensitive. (20/226) 3. THE PASTORS CHILDREN 3.1 Model a godly example for your children at all times: "Because of their example," writes the eldest, Gigi, "I respected them and listened to their advice. I saw Daddy live what he preached. I saw them making Christ their life, not just their religion." "I was able to see Christ in my parents," says the youngest, Ned. "Their love and prayer have guided me all my life, including my own commitment to Christ." Franklin comments: "History has shown that many public figures live two lives: one for the camera, the other behind closed doors. Not so with Mom and Dad. Their lives are the same before the public as they are behind closed doors." (1/107) 3.2 Guard your children from the ugly side of ministry: So the next time I went home, I brought this matter up. The conversation went something like this: Me: "I've been learning some interesting Baptist history from 1948-1949." Dad: "Oh?" Me: "It seems you had a pretty significant part to play." Dad: "What were you told? So I summarized the events as I understood them, though of course at that point I had seen none of the primary documents. Dad: "I suppose that's pretty close to what happened." Me: "So how come you never told us kids any of this?" Dad (after a long pause): "There were two reasons. First, you were children of the manse, and although you have seen the outworking of the gospel. (1/59, 60) This quote needs extended The dynamics and stresses of these developments slid past the Carson children without our understanding, of course. The events themselves could not be hidden from us: the drama of the shoemaker's departure, for example. Yet our parents unpacked in front of the children few of the pressures they were facing. (1/69) I learned an important lesson when, as a young minister, recently ordained, I preached in a church in the north of England. The pastor and his wife had a family whose children were in their early teens. I knew a little about the church and some of the difficulties through which it had been passing. As we sat around the lunch table on the Sunday, I asked a question about these problems. Immediately I felt a gentle kick on my ankle My hosts gave a non-committal reply and quickly changed the subject. Later when the children were not around they explained a principle I have never forgotten, and have tried to follow. They made a point of never discussing before the children any matters of difficulty within the church or anything which might be interpreted as criticism of individuals. They did not want their children to grow up with a jaundiced view of church life because of the inevitable problems with which pastors have to deal. (20/217) 3.4 Spend as much fun time with your children as possible: Following family devotions, if Dad was not too busy we could prevail on him, when we were very young, to stand on his head, using an old green pillow, and then help us to do the same. This could end in squeals of laughter and assorted silliness. Less often time was set aside for games. Dad loved these times. He was pretty competitive, but we soon learned two things: play by the rules (and if these were in dispute, we had to look them up), and be a good sport. No one would cheer more enthusiastically if someone else won than Dad. Sunday afternoons, even if Dad was preaching that night (as he almost invariably was), found him reserving time, often while Mum was having a rest, for a wide variety of knowledge games: Bible trivia, historical trivia ("When was the Battle of Hastings?"), and so on. Years later when his first grandchildren came along (Joyce's girls), Grandpa could be found carefully teaching them how to play Monopoly or some other game. (1/70) When all is said and done, what image stands out most of all? It is of Father laughing. A big hearty smile, eyes crinkled up, face red, shoulders raised. He had the best laughter lines of anyone I've ever known. Whatever hurtful memories there may be, they are overshadowed by these thoughts. He could laugh at almost anything, especially including himself. And the second thought is of him talking or singing to himself as he would go about doing things, or messing around in the basement. (1/74) And all the time he could squeeze from the relentless pressure of preparation and correspondence, phone calls, and interviews, Billy spent with the children, except for golfing, which kept him fit. (1/86) For all her wisdom, Mum was spectacularly uncoordinated and never played sports with us. Dad taught us to skate, swim, catch a ball, play table tennis, and the like. Joyce writes, "I can remember him trying to get me to keep my focus on winning footraces when my main concern was perusing the audience to make certain everyone was watching." (1/71) Some may be able to set aside two hours with their families each evening; the minimum ought to be an hour which the children know belongs to them (20/220) The best way to safeguard a regular time together is to have a day off each week. Vital as it is for renewal and refreshment for the benefit of our daily work, it is equally vital for the well-being of our relationship to our wife and family. (20/229) Our wife and children must be able to feel that our day-off or Sabbath for that is what it is is their day, and to this end we must hedge it about with as many barriers as possible so that it is wholly theirs. Personally that has meant that I have always refused to speak at meetings on my day-off except when away from home for a series of meetings. I have refused to attend committee or to have extra elders or deacons meetings on a Tuesday. If once we break the principle unnecessarily, it is like a breach in a dam. When our day off is broken into by a funeral or an emergency, we should try to take time off in lieu. (20/230) We must plan our holidays within our means, and as a rule of thumb I have felt it right to spend a twelfth of my yearly salary on our months family holiday, when circumstances have not dictated otherwise. (20/233) 3.5 Maintain parent and child distinction without losing the bond or the closeness: For all of his efforts to play with his children, in some ways Dad was a very private individual. He did not encourage intimate conversation. Partly, I suspect, he was simply reflecting his own times. Understood that way, it was amazing how much time he gave us. (1/72) 3.6 Uphold discipline in the home: Discipline was coordinated between Mum and Dad: it was almost impossible to play one against the other. Inevitably they sometimes got things wrong, but not often. We were never allowed, under any circumstances, to sass Mum. Disobedience and disrespect were lumped together and were punishable. Occasionally we were disciplined for attitude. Whining and other ways of making life miserable for others were not tolerated. (1/71) A pastor should be a model of loving discipline. He should love his children more than his job, be extravagant in his expressions of love for and praise to them, and should treat them as genuine human beings capable of profound thoughts that can contribute to this life if he will but listen to them. Treating children in a denigrating fashion certainly is not God's way. When they are treated with the dignity prescribed in the biblical account, they will have a far better chance of growing up as productive individuals. A family with continuously uncontrollable children is not a suitable model for a congregation. Unless parents can manage the art of parenting, they should not engage in the pastoral ministry. (19/14) 3.7 Do not give in to irreverent behavior in children: One Saturday we were both weeding a flower bed. I was in first year of high school, I think, and going through my first poetry-writing phase. I wrote for my own amusement but sometimes printed the results in the school newspaper. Observing the worms as I was hoeing, I thought it would be fun to write a poem in the first person from a worm's point of view. I composed it in my head on the spot: a worm appreciating the warmth of the sun, squeezing through particles of dirt, etc. My last two lines were, "I saw the spade flash in the sun: / Woe is me! I am undone." I thought it was hilarious and could hardly wait to print it at school. I interrupted my weeding long enough to recite it proudly to my father. He kept on weeding, said nothing for a minute or two, and then quietly asked, "Are you quite sure you want to print a poem that applies to a worm the deepest reflections of the prophet Isaiah when he was afforded a vision of the transcendent God in all his glory?" "It's just a joke," I protested. But I never printed the poem. (1/74) 3.8 Treat your children according to individual character: For Billy, each of his five children was his favorite. He treated them according to their characters, playing ball or teaching the boys to shoot; teasing Gigi, playing rough with Bunny, being very loving with Anne. (1/142) 3.9 Remember your own childrens souls: Prayed not to be allowed to turn aside from the real path of duty. Yet taking up some of my papers which I was writing at in David Sandmans life my mind wandered off all else, and the forenoon was consumed before I had any direct communion with God, A tender conscience would not have acted thus. I am sorely vexed too about my children. I do very little for their souls, and they are not concerned about their salvation. 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