HeadHeartHand Blog » Affirmation

Should we praise unbelievers?

David Murray — Fri, 25 May 2012 12:01:00 +0000

Should we praise unbelievers? Should we affirm them when they make any progress or improvements in their lives? And should we encourage them to see any achievements as God-given?

In Practicing Affirmation, Sam Crabtree answers with a triple “Yes!” And offers persuasive arguments. For example:

In the same way that Yellowstone Park is a reflection of common grace, unregenerate persons reflect graces not intrinsic to themselves. To affirm the beauty of their character is to draw attention to the undeserved grace that God has bestowed upon them in the form of faint echoes of Jesus, even in the presence of as-of-yet unperfected flaws in those same individuals. In the providence of God, some unbelievers are actually better behaved than some believers. This behavior is God’s gift to them, not their intrinsically meritorious character (32).

Contrary voices
But, I can hear others voices saying, “They that are in the flesh cannot please God” (Rom. 8:8). Is not even the ploughing of the wicked sin (Prov. 21:4)? Does not the wrath of God rest on the unbeliever (John 3:36)? And what about “There’s none that does good, no not one” (Rom. 3:12)?

If all that is true, what’s the point in praising and affirming unbelievers. Is that not like admiring a car’s shiny paintwork as it heads over the cliff? “Jump, run, escape for your life,” seems more appropriate.

Biblical knife-edge
So how do we balance on this biblical knife-edge. We don’t want to fall off on the side of encouraging unbelievers in pharisaical self-righteousness. But neither do we want to treat all unbelievers as if they are Hannibal Lecter. Here’s a guide to waking the knife:

We should recognize God’s work/image wherever it appears, even in the life of an unbeliever.
We should trace all good to God, and encourage unbelievers to see any good, any progress, any improvement as the gift of God
We should regularly remind unbelievers that although it’s good to be/do good (at least it’s better than being/doing evil), that’s not good enough – they need to be born again, they need to repent and believe the Gospel.
The best good works, even the best believer’s best works, are full of imperfection and weakness, and need to be repented of.
We should sometimes remind unbelievers that our commendations and affirmations are only from a human perspective. God’s view may be very different and at the end of the day is the only one that matters.

And this is the one area I’d have liked to see Sam develop a bit further in his book: What is a good work from God’s perspective? And as a starting point, where better than the Westminster Confession’s chapter 16, “Of Good Works.”

Works done by unregenerate men, although for the matter of them they may be things which God commands; and of good use both to themselves and others: yet, because they proceed not from an heart purified by faith; nor are done in a right manner, according to the Word; nor to a right end, the glory of God, they are therefore sinful and cannot please God, or make a man meet to receive grace from God: and yet, their neglect of them is more sinful and displeasing unto God.

Summary
In answer to the question, then, Should we praise unbelievers?” Yes, but make sure it’s regularly set in a wider Law/Gospel context that stirs the unbeliever to seek the only one who is good, that is God (Matthew 19:17).

Practicing Affirmation Review (1): Scots don’t do praise
Practicing Affirmation Review (2): 10 ways to praise people
Practicing Affirmation Review (3): Is the “sandwich method” a lot of baloney?
Practicing Affirmation Review (4): Should we praise unbelievers?

Is the “sandwich method” a load of baloney?

David Murray — Thu, 24 May 2012 11:43:46 +0000

“The sandwich method” is the correction strategy that puts every criticism between two slices of praise. According to Sam Crabtree, an expert on how to praise people, it’s not a tasty snack.

In Practicing Affirmation, Sam describes the manager who used the sandwich method so much, that employees began to dread hearing any praise because they knew what he was about to fill the sandwich with. Although he boasted about his method, his employees eventually called it “the baloney sandwich!”

Sam says, “Let affirmation stand alone, separated from correction….correction packaged with affirmation will contaminate and weaken the affirmation, perhaps making it altogether fruitless…Corrections tend to cancel affirmations, and the closer the proximity to correction, the more crippled the affirmation” (63, 64, 65).

It’s that close proximity of correction to affirmation that Sam argues against. In its place he proposes a much longer-term context of loving affirmation as the necessary backdrop to any loving correction.

It’s love that earns “a platform from which to challenge wrongful lifestyles and to be heard in doing so.” He says this many different ways, but in some ways it cannot be said enough. Our corrections will have no effect if there is no deep, wide, and long context of encouragement and affirmation: ”People are influenced by those who praise them. Giving praise does wonders for the other person’s sense of hearing” (54).

Also, as corrections tend to “weigh” more than affirmations, he suggests an affirmation to correction ration of at least 3:1, and preferably closer to 5:1. He illustrates:

Affirmation and correction are like a bank account. Affirmations are deposits. Corrections are checks you write against the balance in your account. If you write too many checks in relation to the deposits, your checks bounce – they’re no good. It will take additional credits to restore your your credit. And if the pattern of writing bad checks continues…your account may be frozen until you get serious about putting things in the black (52).

Sam doesn’t really want us going around with ledgers though: “Relationships are healthy when so much affirmation is being spread around that no one is keeping track of either affirmation or correction” (54).

For a book on how to praise people, Sam’s book is also remarkably helpful on how to correct and criticize in a constructive way. I’ve just highlighted a couple of the bigger principles, but he goes into a lot more detail in the book.

10 ways to praise…people

David Murray — Tue, 22 May 2012 11:30:42 +0000

“I had not noticed how the humblest, and at the same time most balanced and capacious, minds, praised most, while the cranks, misfits and malcontents praised least” (C S Lewis).

Well, we’d better learn how to praise others then. And that’s where Sam Crabtree’s book, Practicing Affirmation, is so helpful. I needed this book and have to say that it’s been the most influential book upon me so far this year.

But I don’t think it’s just me that needs it. As I highlighted yesterday, praising others does not come easily to Scots in general; and, I’m afraid, certain cultural trends are influencing even positive optimistic Americans in the same direction.

Today I want to summarize ten characteristics of good affirmation that I picked out of Sam’s book, together with some supportive quotes.

1. Good affirmations are God-glorifying
Although the chief end of man is to glorify God, God is glorified in us when we affirm the work he has done and is doing in others. (1)

We rob God of praise by not pointing out his reflection in the people he has knit together in his image. (18)

2. Good affirmations are God-centered
Paul’s practice is, “I thank God for you.” Yes, the person is refreshed by the expression of gratitude, but God gets the glory. We are wise to give God-centered thank-yous and God-centered affirmations. (18)

3. Good affirmations don’t wait for salvation
In the same way that Yellowstone Park is a reflection of common grace, unregenerate persons reflect graces not intrinsic to themselves. To affirm the beauty of their character is to draw attention to the undeserved grace that God has bestowed upon them in the form of faint echoes of Jesus, even in the presence of as-of-yet unperfected flaws in those same individuals. (32)

4. Good affirmations are honest (67)
Commend only the commendable. Phony commendations are simply deceptive and manipulative flattery.

5. Good affirmations don’t wait for perfection
We can truthfully say to an unregenerate four-year-old, “God is helping you become more . . .” and fill in the blank with qualities such as: careful with your things (as a steward), cheerful around the house as a singer…While the child’s growth in character is commended, God is identified as the source. (21)

6. Good affirmations encourage progress
Affirmation is not about lowering standards. It is about commending incremental progress toward those standards as those standards reflect the character of Christ. (71)

Behaviors that are rewarded and celebrated are more likely to be repeated. (74)

7. Good affirmations help evangelism
Consider this: we risk damning others by not praising them. There are people around us in peril of hell unless we commend them…Affirmation is a way to gain a hearing for the Gospel…Our listeners will be more inclined to hear us is they believe we’re not angry at them, but grateful for them. (20-21)

8. Good affirmations open the door to change
Just as bedside manner is not the most important thing a doctor provides for his patients, without it patients may resist more important medicines and procedures. (38)

Here then is the simple principle: people are influenced by those who praise them. Giving praise does wonders for the other person’s sense of hearing. (54)

9. Good affirmations refresh the affirmer
Part of God’s mercy to us when we refresh others is the boomerang effect he has designed into the universe: “He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” (42)

10. Good affirmations build relationships
Geese honk encouragement and fly in formation. Skunks travel alone. (80)

I hope these quotes will encourage you to buy the book and join the geese. But what about when we have to be the skunk? What about the place of correction and rebuke? Sam devotes many pages to this in his book, and I hope to summarize his teaching on this tomorrow.

Then I want to round off the series by highlighting something that I think needs some clarification, and that’s a biblical definition of what constitutes a “good work.”