The Most Important Question in Marriage

The main question most people ask in marriage relationships today is, “What can I get out of it?” Especially, “What sex can I get out of it?”

And when the investment of time, money, emotion, and sexual energy does not pay off as expected?


And the search for a better return from someone else. Someone else who’ll fit into my life better. Someone else who won’t take so much of my time and money. Someone else who will fill me rather than drain me.

But if everyone’s trying to get more than they give, no one’s going to be happy and marriages are doomed to premature and painful endings.

In contrast, the Bible says that the most important question in marriage is not, “What can I get?” but “What can I give?”

Blessed Giving

And, strangely, when each party is focused more on giving than getting, the result is more getting for both parties. In marriage also it really is “more blessed to give than to receive.”

In Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul presents Jesus as the ultimate model of this self-giving love. Because He loved us, He sacrificially gave Himself for us. Because He loved us, He sacrificially submitted to His Father’s will. And what a union such self-giving created! And what a pattern for our marriages!

Paul’s basic argument in this passage is that the more we give of ourselves in the service of our husband or wife, the more union, intimacy, satisfaction, and fulfillment we will discover and enjoy in our marriages. Let the “What can I give?” question drown out and drive out the “What can I get?” question in every situation of life:

  • When you argue: What can I give up to resolve this?
  • When you’ve hurt one another: What apology can I give to heal this?
  • When on vacation: What can I give to make his vacation better?
  • When in bed: What can I give to enhance his/her enjoyment of physical intimacy?
  • When budgeting: What can I give up this month to give her more spending money?
  • When talking: How can I give her more of a listening ear?
  • When leading: How can I serve her better in my leadership?
  • When submitting: How can I give him more respect when I disagree with his decisions?
  • When filling free time: How can I give him most pleasure today?
  • When offended: How can I give him the benefit of the doubt?
  • When betrayed: How can I give him grace?
  • When you have no feelings of love: How can I do loving actions?
  • When she is not as attractive: How can I love her as the Lord loved the church?
  • When you see his ugly side: How can I help him become more beautiful?
  • When he’s depressed: How can I give him encouragement?
  • When she’s lost sleep: How can I give her rest?

Give, Give, Give 

Give your mind, your heart, your eyes, your hands, your body, your money. Give financially, emotionally, physically, intellectually, sexually, and spiritually. Give yourself, your whole self, away. And if we believe the Bible rather than our instincts and our culture, we will be more blessed in that giving than in all the getting we can imagine (Acts 20:35).

The great aim of all this marital giving is that eventually we each give so much of self away, that each has all of the other, and the two become one; we lose so much independence, and become so inter-dependent that we become “one flesh” in every way.

Check out

Seven Phrases on the Ten Words
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Jonathan Edwards: Why Read Him?
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Twelve Ways Pastors went from Burnout to Vision
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The Way of Wisdom
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Torn to Heal: Why I wrote a book on suffering
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Will a Christian who commits suicide go to heaven?
Firm, thoughtful, compassionate answer.

Tiny Mall Kiosks Make a Suprisingly Big Impact
I always wondered if these stalls made much money.

The Manner is the Message

Think back to the pastor you sat under as you grew up in church, or the first pastor you had as a young Christian.

Now think of your view of God.

Related aren’t they?

Our view of God is not just determined by our pastor’s message but by our pastor’s manner.

  • If our pastor’s preaching is academic, above-our-heads, heavy in facts and light on feeling, then we’ll view God as a distant professor who finds it hard to come down to our level.
  • If our pastor’s preaching is harsh, demanding, and condemning, etc., then we’ll view God as an unyielding judge who’s never satisfied with our best efforts.
  • If our pastor’s preaching is jokey, humorous, and laugh-a-minute, then we’ll view God as a circus clown who’s just out to make us His buddies.
  • If our pastor’s preaching is touchy-feelly, weepy, and emotional, then we’ll view God as a soft-hearted weakling who’d like to help but just can’t.
  • If our pastor’s preaching is argumentative, belligerent, and combative, then we’ll view God as a pugnacious debater who wants to win an argument rather than our souls.
  • If our pastor’s preaching is confused, inconsistent, and rambling, we’ll view God as a befuddled and bewildered senior who’s seen better days and really can’t be trusted.
  • If our our pastor’s calls to faith in Christ are rare, half-hearted, or always dry-eyed, we’ll wonder if God really wants us to be saved.
  • If our pastor’s preaching is long, boring, and repetitive, we’ll think God is similarly laborious and unappealing.
  • If our pastor’s preaching is joyless, morose, and gloomy, we’ll view God as a cranky and pessimistic killjoy.

Yes, people’s view of God is impacted by our message, but also (equally?) by our manner.

What a responsibility! How much we need the Holy Spirit for message, method, and manner.

UPDATE FROM NANCY GUTHRIE’S COMMENT: “But if our pastor speaks to both our heads and our hearts, applying God’s Word to where we live, then we’ll view God as present with us, inviting us to come and reason with him.”

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5 Awesome Ways Evernote Makes a Pastor’s Life Easier
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If King Solomon gave a Commencement Address
“Solomon had all the attributes we look for in a commencement speaker. He wasfabulously wealthy, accomplished (his biography as well as three of his written works are included in the best-selling book of all time), worldly-wise (“I have seen everything that is done under the sun. . .”), and able to provide suitably aphoristic advice for young people (he even wrote a wildly popular advice book).”

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With ”Professor” David Moser ; )

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Children’s Bible Reading Plan

This week’s morning and evening reading plan in Word and pdf.

This week’s single reading plan for morning or evening in Word and pdf.

If you want to start at the beginning, this is the first year of the children’s Morning and Evening Bible reading plan in Word and pdf.

Jason Henry, a missionary in Mongolia, has very kindly collated and produced the second year of morning and evening readings in Word and pdf.

And here’s the first 12 months of the Morning or Evening Bible reading plan in Word and pdf.

Here’s an explanation of the plan.

And here are the daily Bible Studies gathered into individual Bible books. Further explanation of that here.

Old Testament

New Testament

May God bless you and your children as you study the Word of life.

Apple Worship?

The world is the theater of God’s glory. But it’s not just beautiful natural landscapes that motivate our worship, but beautiful work as well, even when done by unbelievers.

Who can look at an apple and not worship God? Who can look at an Apple and not worship God?

Yes, the simplest natural product and the most sophisticated digital product both provoke and promote worship. As we’re more used to the idea of nature inciting us to worship God, let me give you five ways technology can help us to worship Him:

  • Technology makes us worship God’s wisdom: It’s God’s mind that conceived of silicon, radio waves, fiber-optics, light, electricity, magnetism, space travel, rocket fuel, etc.
  • Technology makes us worship God’s creativity: Behind every good invention and ingenious design is The Inventor and The Designer.
  • Technology makes us worship God’s goodness: How thankful we should be that we are living in an age of such life-saving and life-enhancing technology.
  • Technology makes us worship God’s power: It’s mind-blowing to think of the amount of energy that technology uses every day – hundreds of billions of kilowatts – and yet that’s just a little part of God’s great power.
  • Technology makes us worship God’s patience: What incredible patience and longsuffering that sees such good gifts taken, abused and turned against the Creator and His creatures, and yet He still spares us and our world.

Wherever we turn – the workshop, the operating theater, the garage, the studio, etc., we gaze on the glory of God’s attributes in the daily work of His creatures and what they create.