Five Christian Theologies Scarier Than Halloween

The mainstream media’s demonization of Christians continues apace. Over at The Washington Post, the Rev. (yes, the Rev.) Susan Brooks Thistlethwaite argues that Christians have nothing to fear from Halloween. Instead, she says we should be afraid, very afraid, of evangelical Christians. Yes, it appears that the most frightening bogeyman, the foulest fiend is anyone who actually believes the Bible. She goes on to list the greatest ghouls and most petrifying zombies of our day:

1. Christian dominionism: I have no idea what the Reverend lady means by this, and it would appear neither does she. In a remarkable feat of logical gymnastics, she somehow manages to jump from praying “Thy Kingdom come” to support for restarting the Confederate war. Oh, and Christian dominionism is also to blame for the recent government shutdown! If only Christians realized how powerful they were.

2. Hell and damnation: The Rev. Thistlethwaite is terrified of hell and damnation, which is strange given that she says they don’t actually exist. But as such beliefs ”help to create and sustain ‘hell on earth’ for many and “contradict God’s love and mercy,” they have to go. And who are we to argue, especially given that her source is the esteemed and infallible Rob Bell.

3. Women should submit: OK, by this point, I’m laughing out loud. I quickly check that it’s October 31 and not April 1. Apparently, submission “is institutionalized violence” and largely to blame for domestic abuse. I didn’t realize but apparently I believe in “Just Battering” because I believe Ephesians 5:21-33. “The front door of such a ‘religious’ home becomes a doorway to violence.” Hope my wife doesn’t read this.

4. God versus Evolution: Poor Rev. Thistlethwaite has apparently led a rather sheltered life. Although a former President of Chicago Theological Seminary, the blood-soaked streets of Chicago don’t even compare with the horror of, wait for it, The Creation Museum. Reader Discretion Warning: Read on only if you are over 18 and have a strong nerve. You ready? OK, here it is. She says, “One of the scariest places I have ever been was the Creation Science Museum in Kentucky.” Now please, stop rolling in the aisles. And once your sides have stopped splitting get this, young-earthers are also to blame for global warming, or “global weirding” as the clever Rev. puts it.

5. God Doesn’t Love You If You’re Gay: You were waiting for this weren’t you. Only surprise is that it’s not #1, #2, #3, #4, and #5. Another spectacular leap here for the athletic Thistlethwaite, this time sensationally cavorting from the belief that homosexuality is a sin to killing gays by forcing them to swallow bottles of pills and jump into nooses.

I feel so sorry for this poor woman. She says that these things “really scare me, not only this week but all year through.” What a tragic, terrible, and terror-filled life. Thankfully, however, our trembling philosopher-theologian has a perfect solution to this terror-filled existence.

Halloween!

Because, as she argues, “There’s so much that’s really terrifying in our world, Halloween shouldn’t be scary any more.”

I try to make Halloween fun for my children and now my grandchildren.  Some candy (along with healthy snacks!), fun costumes and community events are a great way to have family fun.  I think Halloween should be fun because there are too many really scary things in our world for kids and the adults who care about them.

“Healthy snacks!” Bet her house will be popular tonight.

And whatever you do, don’t, don’t, don’t even think about dressing up as an evangelical Christian. Especially if you’re in the Chicago area. I wouldn’t want you to spoil the ridiculous Reverend’s night.