A “normal” pastoral visit

June 1, 2010  David Murray   6 comments

A few weeks ago, in response to a question, I posted a rough outline of a “normal” week of pastoral ministry. Since then I’ve been asked a few times to describe a “normal” pastoral visit. So, with apologies for the delay, and with the usual caveat that what’s “normal” for me may not be “normal” for you, here’s my answer.

First, I prepare for visitation with prayer. I take a few minutes or so to pray for the family I am about to visit. During that time I make sure I know the names of both the adults and the children, I remind myself of what each is doing in their lives, and I make a mental note of any special needs or concerns that we had previously talked about.

Second, for the first 15 minutes or so of the visit, I try to chat to the family about what’s going on in their lives: how’s the job, the kids, school, etc. If there was some important local or national issue we might talk about that as well. Obviously, this sometimes stretches quite a bit beyond 15 minutes. And sometimes it is difficult to change the topic to something more “spiritual.” However, I like to “break the ice” in this way.

I know some pastors disagree with this kind of approach, preferring to get straight to the “spiritual” by starting with Bible reading and prayer. In some of the Dutch Reformed churches, the people have been trained to expect that from their pastors, and that’s great. However, probably for most of us, getting people to talk about their souls is not an easy matter, and it is best to “warm” the conversation up a bit first.

I don’t think this is pragmatic or manipulative. As a pastor, I am interested in the spiritual welfare of my flock above everything else; but I am also interested in every area of their lives. I enjoy hearing about their vacations, their jobs, their schools, their friends, etc. I enjoy seeing and savoring the different personalities and characters. Often, issues arise in these conversations which we could never have predicted, taking us into the Scriptures in a very natural way (I’m always looking for opportunities to relate God’s Word to the person’s world). Usually it just helps everyone to relax a bit and makes it easier to move into more directly “spiritual” issues. I agree with the old saying, “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

Sometimes I find it helpful to share a bit from my own life and family. I try to show that I have a normal family life with all its joys, worries, and sorrows. Obviously you have to be careful here. You don’t want to “let it all hang out,” and you don’t want to spend too much time talking about yourself. However, some people find it easier to open up if the pastor himself is prepared to do so.

Third, the main aim of a pastoral visit is to have a conversation about spiritual matters. Sometimes that’s very easy, as mature Christians especially will be used to pastoral visits and will probably have some spiritual questions to ask, or some spiritual topics they want to talk about. But, for the sake of this post, let’s assume that you are visiting people who are not used to spiritual conversation. How do you guide the conversation to produce a profitable discussion? Until now, I’ve never sat down and thought about what questions I ask people. But I’ve tried below to list some questions that have been helpful. It’s important to ask these questions in a friendly and natural way, rather than in an accusatory or “clipboard” way. Sometimes I find it easier to direct some of these questions to the children initially, as they often talk much more freely about spiritual matters.

  • Is there anything you would like me to pray for?
  • What have you been reading in your Bible? Anything that’s helped you or puzzled you?
  • What do you find difficult about reading the Bible?
  • What do you feel burdened about in prayer?
  • Is there anything you would like to hear a sermon on? Any verses you would like explained?
  • Are there any sermons that you’ve found helpful… confusing… challenging?
  • What did you think about the sermon on…?
  • Would you say you are going forward spiritually, or backwards?
  • Are you reading any good Christian books? Is there anything you want to share from it?
  • Have you found any verses that are helping you to live life and prepare for eternity?
  • What gifts do you think the Lord has given you? Do you feel the church is making most use of your gifts?
  • How would you describe yourself: Unsaved, saved and sure of it, or not sure?
  • Do you think much about death and life after death? Do you feel prepared for that? How are you preparing?
  • What is your hope of heaven? What reason will you give for being admitted there?
  • What do you think of Jesus Christ?
  • What would you most like to change in your life?
  • What is your greatest fear?
  • Are you facing any difficult challenges?
  • Is there any one thing that stops you from following Christ?
  • Children, what have you been learning in Sunday School?
  • Do you have any questions for me?

Maybe only one question will be required to start a profitable conversation. The ultimate aim is to find out where people are spiritually, and how you can help them either to be saved, to be sanctified, or to be of more service to the church.

Fourth, finishing the visit can sometimes be difficult, especially with older and lonely people who have lots of time on their hands. You need to keep good track of the time (with unnoticed glances at a watch or clock), especially if you have another visit arranged. I usually let people know when I arrive that I have to be somewhere else at a certain time. That helps to focus the visit a bit, and also avoids people thinking you are bored with them, when you eventually have to draw the visit to a close. You can always arrange to return, if necessary.

And even if you don’t have anywhere else to go, don’t overstay your welcome. If you start to detect cues that it’s time for you to go (people obviously looking at watches, some members of the family disappearing, longer silences, etc), then go!

But not without prayer and reading of the Bible.

During the course of the conversation you should be making mental notes of matters for prayer. And in the concluding prayer, try to gather up these various pieces of information and pray about each of them – even trivial matters raised by young children. Also, try to pick a relevant chapter of Scripture to read, a chapter that speaks to their needs. Try to show how prayer and Bible reading should impact ordinary life. Maybe ask the children questions about the passage?

Fifth, pray about the visit in the car on the way home or when you get home. Maybe take notes about anything you should follow up on with a note in your diary to phone again in a few weeks. Also, maybe think about how a sermon might be able to help that family.

Finally, I don’t know any pastor who thinks he’s a great pastor. Most of us are very well aware of our shortcomings, our failings, and especially our fear of man which shuts our mouths. So, end every pastoral visit by returning to the Great Shepherd of the sheep to seek His free and full forgiveness.

The Pastor as “Feeler in Chief”

May 31, 2010  David Murray   0 comments
“Where are his feelings?” is the present media echo.

First there was President Reagan’s former speechwriter, Peggy Noonan, previously sympathetic to President Obama:

The president, in my view, continues to govern in a way that suggests he is chronically detached from the central and immediate concerns of his countrymen.

Then prominent Obama supporter Maureen Dowd turned up the volume with Once more, with feeling:

President Spock’s behavior is illogical. Once more, he has willfully and inexplicably resisted fulfilling a signal part of his job: being a prism in moments of fear and pride, reflecting what Americans feel so they know he gets it…

Instead of getting Bill Clinton to offer Joe Sestak a job, Obama should be offering Clinton one. Bill would certainly know how to gush at a gusher gone haywire. Let him resume a cameo role as Feeler in Chief. The post is open.

 James Carville’s rage about the President’s lack of response to the oil spill provoked this analysis from Ruben Navarette:

Americans don’t want a president with ice water in his veins. Whenever there is a disaster, whether natural or man-made, they want a leader who takes decisive action and speeds up the recovery. But they also want someone with passion who sees an injustice and the suffering it caused and reacts with a range of emotions — including, when appropriate, rage.

In some ways you cannot but feel sorry for President Obama. Being President can be a thankless task. Journalists previously criticized both President Clinton and President Bush for lacking control of their feelings (though in different ways!). President Obama was going to be different, they told us. He was going to be calm, rational, thoughtful, and reasonable. And now when he is calm, rational, thoughtful, and reasonable…we want more FEELING! Public opinion can be so fickle, as Jesus Himself noted when comparing the people’s critical response to both “detached” John the Baptist and His own “over-involvement” with sinners (Matt. 11:16-19).

However, the current criticism of President Obama does remind pastors of the huge importance of of empathy in human relationships. The most “successful” pastors I’ve come across have been those who were able to weep with those who weep (and rejoice with those who rejoice). In times of crisis and catastrophe, often the best thing we can do is let a (real) tear roll down our cheeks. That micro-ounce of salty water can comfort people in a way that no amount of words can. And, of course, that tear, that empathy, also creates a context in which our words (God’s Word) will be heard better.

One of the reasons why we listen so carefully to Jesus’ words is because He is “acquainted with our grief” and “touched with the feeling of our infirmities.” He truly is “Feeler in Chief.”  And His under-shepherds should reflect this as they help His suffering sheep. Instead of “having ice water in our veins” we have Christ’s Spirit in our hearts. That, surely, must produce passionate, involved, emotional, and sympathetic pastors.

The way we’re working isn’t working

May 27, 2010  David Murray   2 comments

Bigstockphoto_relax12a3dcd

I love this kind of article. Not just because Tony Schwartz argues for a coffee break every 90 minutes. And not just because he argues that working less hours will produce better results.

No, I like it because Schwartz marshals research and personal experience to challenge the foundations of how we think about work and productivity. It helps me to understand the fascinating complexity and mystery of mind/body interaction. It confirms the divine order of physical, mental and emotional rest and renewal being vital to a productive life. And it demonstrates how the Christian can use the research of non-Christians to learn how to glorify God better.

You can read the whole article here. Some snippets to show your boss:

As every great athlete understands, the highest performance occurs when we balance work and effort with rest and renewal. The human body is hard-wired to pulse, and requires renewal at regular intervals not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally….

 

In the renowned 1993 study of young violinists, performance researcher Anders Ericsson found that the best ones all practiced the same way: in the morning, in three increments of no more than 90 minutes each, with a break between each one. Ericcson found the same pattern among other musicians, athletes, chess players and writers….

 

The counterintuitive secret to sustainable great performance is to live like a sprinter. In practice, that means working at your highest intensity in the mornings, for no more than 90 minutes at a time before taking a true break.

Picture: 2005 © Alex Bramwell. Image from BigStockPhoto.com

Connected Kingdom (7)

May 26, 2010  David Murray   3 comments



Download here.

In today’s podcast Tim and I are going to take a look at “A day in the life of a Christian…” We will chat about how the Gospel impacts the everyday ordinary life of the Christian. We want to demonstrate how the Gospel is not just something for Sundays or for emergencies, but for the mundane, the boring, the ordinary everyday life.

If you want to give us feedback or join in the discussion, go ahead and look up our Facebook Group or leave a comment right here. You can subscribe to the podcast via iTunes or another program.

The Oath Project

May 26, 2010  David Murray   1 comment

Bigstockphoto_succe128cc19

The financial disaster of 2008 (and 2009…and 2010…) revealed the inevitable consequences of a world economy driven almost exclusively by self-interest. Business leaders and groups have responded by writing various codes of conduct to rebuild trust and prevent a recurrence. For example, The Oath Project was established last year to propose a universal professional code of conduct for managers. Its current draft has been endorsed by the United Nations Global Compact, the World Economic Forum’s Young Global Leaders, and the Aspen Institute.

However, despite these worthy efforts, much work remains to be done at a fundamental level. Even the co-founder of the Oath Project, Angel Cabrera admits: “Perhaps the message we have yet to convey in a compelling enough way is that a commitment to serve the public good not only benefits society but also is a vital element of effective leadership and a precondition for organizational success.”

Writing on The Soul of Leadership in the Harvard Business Review’s “Imagining the Future of Leadership” series, Cabrera cites research showing that:

CEOs who frame decisions in pure economic terms tend to be perceived as more autocratic and less visionary than leaders who express concern for a broader set of stakeholders through, for example, a commitment to public good. And the more visionary a leader is perceived to be, the more willing employees are to go the extra mile and consequently deliver higher performance.

Cabrera concludes:

To lead is to influence others without coercion. To follow is to take a leap of faith and put your future into someone else’s hands. Before taking this risk, followers seek out proof that a leader’s values are solid and compatible with their own. Above all, they look for evidence that a leader is not driven exclusively by self-interest and will take others into consideration when making decisions…In fact, it is followers’ perceptions of a leader’s “soul” that can make or break the deal. One of the greatest challenges of any corporate leader is to convince everyone else that they will not compromise the interest of the corporation, if not society, for their own benefit.

We cannot but wish the business community well as they battle against human nature’s selfishness. However, arguments over wording have already produced rival oaths. And the elephant in the room keeps asking, “Eh…to whom are you making the oath?”

The Oath Project needs to be founded upon The Gospel Project (not the website version but the John 3:16 version!). The Gospel Project has a leader with solid and uncompromising values, a leader who was never driven by self-interest, a leader who always took others into consideration when making decisions, a leader who always put the interests of his followers before his own comfort and benefit, a leader who kept and keeps his sworn promises, a leader who continues to inspire similar values and conduct in his followers.

Jesus Christ perfectly represents “leadership with a soul” because He is the only leader with a perfect soul. Take “a leap of faith” and put your past, present and future into His hands.