“He’s abusing me.”

“I love her and wouldn’t think of harming her.”

This is a marital scenario that pastors and elders face from time to time. Where do we go from here? We have two biblical pillars that must control everything.

The Bible tells us that it is a sin to abuse anyone and to “pass by on the other side” when we hear a cry for help.

The Bible also tells us that it’s a sin to falsely accuse and to find someone guilty who is innocent.

But how do we establish the truth here, minister to these two professing believers, and fulfill our obligations to honor and please God?

We question each individual and ask for their side of the story. But we basically end up back with the first two sentences of this post. What now? Where do we get wisdom for obeying God in this scenario?

Obviously the Bible condemns abuse in all its forms, but it does not give us any detail about how to recognize the signs, what are the usual patterns of denial, what steps should be taken for a victim’s short-term and long-term safety, how to respond to the PTSD that sometimes results, and so on.

So what do we do?

Do the pastor and elder just try to guess the right things to do even though they may never have faced this situation before? They might consult other pastors and elders, but they will probably find most of them either haven’t faced this before, or else they’ve made an absolute mess of it when they did and don’t want to get involved again.

What’s next? We’re praying for wisdom and insight but the Bible and the Christian community do not seem to have the wisdom we need. But did God not promise to provide wisdom if we lacked it and asked for it (James 1:5)? Yes, he did. And he does. But sometimes he provides the needed wisdom for obedience to him from outside the Scriptures and from outside the Christian community. He gives wisdom generously to all. (e.g. here, and here).

There are men and women—psychologists, counselors, social workers, etc.—who have dedicated their whole lives to helping the victims of marital abuse. Some of them have handled many hundreds of different cases. Unlike pastors and elders who may get a case like this once a decade, it’s all they do, all day, every day. Most of them are not Christians and therefore cannot fix the heart of the abuser or fully comfort the heart of the victim, but their compassion, insight, and wisdom in these situations put most of us to shame.

They have studied hundreds of abusers and victims. They know how abusers operate. They know their strategies and tactics. They know their defenses, denials, and doublespeak. They know how they make their victims feel guilty. They know which buttons they press when they talk to pastors, elders, and other authorities. They know the multi-layered damage victims suffer (even when there has been no physical contact). They know when and how to intervene. They know how to extract victims from danger and when. They know how to defend and protect victims and their children. They know the PTSD that often follows and the steps to take to rebuild identity and confidence. They know the signs of false repentance in an abuser. In sum, they know how to separate truth from lies, and they know how to distinguish what helps from what harms.

Do Christians and churches not need that so-called “secular wisdom” (which is actually the gift of a generous God) if we are to obey God fully in this situation? This wisdom is more than filling in details. It is fundamental and foundational to any effective counseling in this situation. This wisdom is more than “helpful.” It is necessary. It is vital. It is imperative. It is heaven’s answer to the prayer of James 1:5. We should be thankful that God is continuing to  impart such gifts of wisdom to the human race for the good of his people. I know many victims of abuse are.

Do we accept it wholesale? Of course not. Evolutionary, feminist, and humanist theory can be found throughout this field of knowledge. But the Bible is 100% sufficient to screen and filter this knowledge so that we only let in what is in accordance with God’s truth. With the Bible always in our hands and in our hearts, we can work with psychologists for the good of victims.

There are many books and papers written by psychologists and others who have devoted their lives to serving the victims of domestic abuse. If you want the quickest sample of this presented at a popular level, watch this TED talk, Unmasking the Abuser, by social psychologist Dina McMillan. Her understanding of the deceitful and desperately wicked twists and turns of human motivation, personality, evasion, and manipulation, provide one of the best “commentaries” on Jeremiah 17:9 that I’ve come across. And, of course, there are also wise Christian psychologists, like Diane Langberg (a faculty member at Westminster Seminary), who have studied and counseled in this subject area for many years and that we would make our first resort.

To the person who still insists that this is merely helpful wisdom, but it’s not necessary, I would ask: “At what point does something helpful become a moral obligation to pursue and provide?” Or to put it another way, “How helpful does something have to be before it becomes necessary?” I’ll unpack that question further in a future article.

And if you want a conservative Christian defense of this approach to the sufficiency of Scripture, how it honors the Bible and God’s intent for it, and especially how to reconcile the spiritual antithesis with common grace, read Westminster Seminary professor Dennis Johnson’s excellent article, Spiritual Antithesis: Common Grace, and Practical Theology.

Blogs

Martin Luther, Pastoral Counseling, and Mental Illness
Just when you thought you knew everything there was to know about Luther!

Counseling and Controversy
Dr. Heath Lambert is addressing recent controversy in the biblical counseling world in a Facebook Live session tonight at 8pm ET.

The Pastoral Duty of Letting People Down
“When a pastor chooses to thoroughly ignore the buzzing in his pocket and instead remain present at dinner with his wife and kids, he confesses his non-omnipresence. When he says, “I don’t know” to the person asking the question that outstrips his knowledge, he confesses his non-omniscience. When he closes his books at the end of the day and goes home to eat and rest, he confesses his non-omnipotence. He confesses his earthiness, his dust-origins, his weak frame—all the things, in other words, that God will clothe with power from on high (2 Cor. 12:9).”

Four Stupid Things Pastors Do That Ruin Their Ministry
The four dangers are: (1) Flirting dangerously with sexual boundaries; (2) Plagiarism; (3) Financial stupidity; (4) Social media madness.

Everyone needs a little Grace in their lives: Clinging to the Crutch
“Sixteen years ago, I went through a season of Anxiety.  And I say it with a capital A, because there’s no other good word to describe it.  You can say, I’m anxious about that interview.  I’m anxious about the bills.  But that’s nothing compared to Anxiety.  It’s like equating “feeling down” with Depression.  You just can’t compare the two.  Anxiety is all-encompassing, life-consuming, soul-sucking. That was sixteen years ago, and after two years I had victory.  Then it entered my life again a few months ago, and has sought to control me these last weeks. ”

The Tech-Wise Family by Andy Crouch
Another positive review of an excellent book on how to manage your family’s use of digital technology.

Four Suggestions for Reading the Minor Prophets
“The next time your Bible reading plan takes you to the Minor Prophets, apply these four suggestions.”

Kindle Books

Preaching for God’s Glory by Alistair Begg $1.99.

Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp $3.59.

Jonah: Navigating a God-centered Life by Colin S. Smith.

Sean Perron is a biblical counselor who specializes in marriage and child counseling. He and I have been having a friendly online dialogue about the sufficiency of scripture and biblical counseling. With his permission I am posting the dialogue as a blog post as I think it helps clarify and advance the conversation. The conversation began when Sean responded to my article Do We Need More than the Bible for Biblical Counseling? My responses to Sean are in bold.

David,

I am always grateful to see conversations about the importance and relevance of the Bible in preaching and counseling. I have personally enjoyed your book “Jesus on Every Page” and I’m grateful for the help it offers to preachers and counselors.

I was at a regional ACBC conference talking about the sufficiency of Scripture and was asked by a man “If the Bible is sufficient for counseling, why do you have extra-biblical counseling resources in your bookstore?”

The answer is that although the Bible is sufficient, it does not mean that we are sufficient to understand everything about it. The Bible has everything we need for life and godliness, but it often takes work to see the gold it contains. A miner may use a pick axe to uncover gold, but that doesn’t mean the gold was never in the mine.

I actually think your blog post here is an argument that the Bible is the only sufficient source of wisdom for counseling and preaching. Your analogy underscores the importance of knowing the Bible and studying it carefully. Every biblical counselor committed to the sufficiency of Scripture (who believes that the wisdom of psychology is not necessary) would beg people and counselees to study the Bible as much as possible and use every available resource.

I say bring me every book I can read and find about the Bible. I have been helped by reading about how I can find Jesus on every page. This is why the Bible endorses teachers and gives the spiritual gift of teaching and preaching – to help us understand the Scripture.

If your blog post is implying that because a person uses a commentary to help with sermon prep, the wisdom of psychology is therefore necessary for biblical counseling, this is a category mistake.

Preachers and counselors use commentaries to study the Bible because they know the Bible contains the wisdom they need. Your blog post underscores that the Bible is the book that matters. We should understand everything we can about it. We should not assume that we, with our limited understanding, can grasp all that’s here.

In conclusion, I don’t think people need to repent for using a commentary to study the Bible. But if someone asserts that we need to study Freud, or Maslow, or Carl Rogers because they have necessary counseling wisdom that the Bible doesn’t contain, then I think repentance honors Christ.

Thanks for writing and I look forward to discussing more.

Sean Perron

Hi Sean, thanks for your contribution to this discussion. I’m keen to learn from others on this and hopefully we can all make some progress in our understanding of one another and of how to understand the sufficiency of Scripture. So, let me ask you a question for the sake of clarification: Are you saying that as long as another source of truth outside the Bible helps us understand the Bible more, it’s OK to use. Or are you saying that it’s only commentaries on the Bible that are OK? I’m hoping to write a few more articles, so stay tuned.

David

Thanks David. To help clarify, I’m for any resource that helps us understand the Bible more. Including, but not limited to, lexicons, grammars, etc. In the words of 2 Timothy 4:13, bring me the scrolls, especially the parchments.

But the issue at stake with the sufficiency of Scripture in counseling is what to do with wisdom from psychology. Biblical counselors say that we don’t need wisdom from psychologists.

I realize it isn’t popular right now to favorably quote Jay Adams, but in his book “What About Nouthetic Counseling?”Adams is fine with psychology as long as it remains in its proper area. Here is a lengthy quote, but one that I have found helpful (and for some reason most people haven’t read).

He answers the question: “Don’t you think that we can learn something from psychologists?” And he responds:

Yes, we can learn a lot; I certainly have. That answer surprised you, didn’t it? If it did, you have been led to believe, no doubt, that nouthetic counselors are obscurantists who see no good in psychology. Or perhaps you have been told that they are sadly self-deceived persons who, while decrying all psychology, take many of their ideas from psychologists without knowing it. Both charges are preposterous.

While I can understand how the idea that I am opposed to psychology and psychologists could have gotten abroad because of my strong statements about the failures of psychologists as counselors, a careful reading of my materials will make it clear that I do not object to psychology or to psychologists as such. My objections are directed solely to so-called clinical and counseling psychology in which most of what is done I consider not to be the work or province of psychology at all. That I deplore psychology’s venture into the realms of value, behavior and attitudinal change because it is an intrusion upon the work of the minister, in no way lessens my interest, support and encouragement of the legitimate work of psychology.

I have profited greatly, for instance, from the results of the work done at the Harvard sleep labs (and elsewhere). This sleep study I consider to be a valid and worthwhile enterprise for psychology. Indeed, I wish all psychologists would go back to such work.

But when psychologists attempt to change men, although they have no warrant from God to do so, no standard by which to determine what are proper or deviant attitudes or behavior, no concept of what man should look like, and no power by which to achieve the inner changes of the heart and though that are so necessary, I cannot help but be concerned.

I would not oppose psychiatrists either if they were doing the important medical work that it is necessary to do to help people whose behavior is adversely affected by organic causes.” (Page 31.)

While helpful information can be identified through experiments and observations, solutions for troubled souls are not possible through science. The Bible is the only resource for people to experience change that is true and eternal, and the only source of wisdom necessary to provide counseling solutions.

I’m afraid that many critiques of the use of Sola Scriptura in biblical counseling right now are not actually fair critiques. Instead, the arguments are built around straw men or an improper understanding of biblical counseling. I’m grateful for this conversation and opportunity to provide any small amount clarity.

I hope this helps. Thanks for taking the time to read such a long comment!!

Sean.

Thanks for sharing this, Sean. Yes, that’s very helpful, although difficult to square with what he says elsewhere and with statements from more recent spokesmen.

I noticed that you narrowed down the question about what sources we can use outside the Bible to this: “But the issue at stake with the sufficiency of Scripture in counseling is what to do with wisdom from psychology. Biblical counselors say that we don’t need wisdom from psychologists.”

That’s especially helpful to know as it helps to focus the discussion on psychology and limits the discussion about what is admissible in counseling to the area of psychology (all other fields of knowledge being admissible?)

David.

David, likewise about the interaction!

Research done by psychologists on sleep science, impact of digital technology, autism, etc. can certainly be incorporated into counseling. No objections at all.

All biblical counselors are happy to receive truth outside Scripture, but we need Scripture to help us know how to make sense of that information.

Most of the counseling I do personally is related to children, pre-marriage relationships, and marriage counseling.

I was talking with an engaged man yesterday about contraception and birth control. He was looking for counsel on if/when/what he and his wife should do in marriage. I am so grateful for all the science and research done on birth control and was able to discuss that with him. I needed that info in order to have the conversation, or else there wouldn’t even be a conversation to have. If he didn’t know that birth control existed, then he wouldn’t be looking for advice on the matter. That was data that needed to be gathered about life. I need to be slow to speak and quick to hear about the issues at hand.

But that scientific data wasn’t the source of wisdom or the guide for how I gave counsel on whether he and his wife should use the birth control Pill. The only source of wisdom we needed for “life and godliness” in this scenario was the Scripture. I used a lot of science, but the Scriptures were my guide and source of wisdom. He and his wife can glorify God fully and completely in this scenario because of the wisdom from the Bible on these matters.

Really thankful to be able to discuss these things. I am praying for you and your ministry and perhaps we can meet in person sometime.

Sean.

Sean, that’s another good example of the “integration” we’ve been discussing. I hadn’t thought of that one before even though it’s certainly one that my wife and I have wrestled through with the help of Scripture and science.

I agree with you that in this case the Scriptures are a necessary source of wisdom. But, in our case, we found that scientific data was also a necessary source of wisdom in helping us decide whether to use birth control and, if so, what one. For example, my wife is a medical doctor and without her medical knowledge I would never have known that certain contraceptive pills and devices prevent implantation of fertilized cells. That scientific knowledge helped us decide that whatever we did, we could never use these means if we wanted to be consistent with Scripture. In this case science was also a source of wisdom that we needed for life and godliness. Sadly, I know many faithful Christians do use these means, only because they don’t know the science. They are not glorifying God because they lack the wisdom that science gives.

If you’re ever up in Grand Rapids, give me a shout, and we can hopefully continue to discuss these matters face to face.

Most of the current research in the areas of autism, pedagogy, sleep science, and the impact of digital theology on our lives is being done by psychologists. Is it really the position of biblical counselors that such wisdom is not admissible? Adams would seem to reject that position, at least to some extent, according to your quote.

Appreciate the spirit of your interaction.

I think we are closer now than we we started!

It seems the difference is I wouldn’t call “hard” science a source of wisdom. Rather, it presents observations and data that need to be interpreted and science cannot provide wisdom on interventions for solutions.

And likewise if you are ever in the Sunshine state. Sounds good! Now that I live in Florida, I try to stay away from the cold, but I look forward to connecting. Thanks David.

Written by Shona Murray, my wife and primary author of Refresh: Embracing a Grace-Paced Life in a World of Endless Demands [RHB].

No one can anticipate the trials that God sometimes ordains. Yet when a particular trial comes our way, we are often taken completely by surprise. We may even wonder if this is indeed God’s plan or some random out-of-control event.

When I was a pastor’s wife and a mother of four children, I was T-boned by burnout and depression. As an energetic, motivated, organized, and outgoing person, I could never have anticipated the anxiety, fear, and endless despair that enveloped me. But God, in his love and wisdom, chose this very specific trial for me. Perhaps he has chosen it for you, and you too are bewildered. Let me give you some hope by sharing some of the lessons I learned from this shocking providence.

Read the rest of this article at Crossway’s blog.

Blogs

Is Scripture Alone the Same Thing as Scripture Only?
Couple of recent articles on the sufficiency of Scripture:

“The Reformers held to sola Scriptura, not solo Scriptura. Solo Scriptura advocates a radical individualism that rejects the church, creeds, confessions, and tradition as having any authority while embracing private judgment above all else. This view radicalizes the Protestant ethic and undermines it. Such an approach finds no credence in the teaching of the Reformers or the early church. “

And this one: The Sufficiency of the Bible Contra Rome.

Breaking the Last Socially-Acceptable Addiction
“Most American Christians have an addiction and we all know it. The addiction is social media. You don’t think you do? Here’s a simple test”

Grace for the Afflicted
“Too often, we approach mental illness from a purely spiritual point of view, interpreting all mental health problems as simply spiritual in nature. Too many churches, and their leaders, are tempted to dismiss psychiatry and neurological discoveries as purely secular, or even anti-Christian. It’s hard to make a case for that way of thinking when brilliant and committed Christian professionals like Stanford share what they know, through the lens of what we all believe.”

With Rising Teen Suicides, the Church Cannot Afford Mixed Messages on Mental Health
“According to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the rate of suicide for girls aged 15–19 doubled between 2007 and 2015, and there was a smaller though significant uptick in suicide rates for boys. A Time article in late 2016 indicated that though there has been a substantial increase in teens who are depressed, the country has not seen corresponding growth in resources for mental health options.”

Autism Speaks | Biblical Counseling Coalition
“With rates of autism rising, counselors will be in a position to help parents struggling with these and other questions. This post will briefly consider issues that parents of autistic kids will likely face and give initial direction for counsel.”

Kindle Books

Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family by Paul David Tripp $4.99.

Faker: How to live for real when you’re tempted to fake it by Nick Macdonald $2.99.

Blogs

What I Want From the News
I suppose we can dream.

It’s gotten so I almost hate the news. I want to know what’s going on in the world, but I’ve lost confidence that there’s as much as a single organization out there communicating it in a trustworthy way. We hear lots of talk today about fake news, but I’m convinced this is less of a concern than what passes as real news. It takes little more than a brief visit to [insert your favorite, then least-favorite news outlet here], to see how the news is far more (and far less) than the news. If I could dream up the news outlet I want, it would be defined by characteristics like these.

Glory Thief
We’ve don’t just fall short of he glory of God; we steal it too.

Sunday as the pastor fenced the communion table and led us in a prayer of confession he asked forgiveness for “glory thieves.” The Lord raised a strong but gentle index finger to my heart and said, “Thou art the man.” I knew it right away. Guilty. I steal glory and rob God of his fame.

Why I Wrote Sipping Saltwater
This looks like a book worth reading.

Why did I write Sipping Saltwater? Partly, to understand my father and, more specifically, his addiction. Partly, to provide a bit of redemption to the dark tale of his life and my somewhat traumatic childhood. Partly, to provide a new angle on the topic of idolatry. Partly, to point to idolatry as the fundamental root of any addiction. Partly, to uncover a host of hidden idols and addictions in our contemporary culture. Partly, to confess that I’m the worst of addicts (1 Tim. 1:15). But the main reason I wrote Sipping Saltwater was to point to Jesus as the pathway to freedom from idolatry and addiction. He is the source of living water—the only drink that will quench our thirst both now and forever.

My Struggle to Smash the Food Idol
Looks like “Check out” has an idolatry theme today:

The abundant life we’re promised through Christ is filled with the sin-conquering power of the Holy Spirit. Even the most out-of-control eater can find the hope of being transformed and made new. Even if every meal plan, diet, or “lifestyle modification” you’ve ever attempted has failed you, Jesus won’t.

Two Indispensable Requirements for Pastoral Ministry
Kevin DeYoung: “In my experience, ministry won’t go well, and pastors won’t go far, without at least these two requirements: We must like studying the Bible. And we must like our people.”

Porn Is Not Harmless. It’s Cruel
What if on the judgment day every person you’ve ever consumed via porn was to stand beside the judgment seat? If the men of Nineveh and the Queen of Sheba will be there as witnesses (Matt. 12:41-42), why not your porn victims?

“There’s a myth that porn is harmless. “It’s just a few consenting adults, doing what they want with their own bodies,” the thinking goes.  But this simply isn’t true. In reality, pornography is deeply involved in the exploitation of women and children, and it’s destructive to its consumers. Porn is much more than an individual decision—it’s part of a system that preys on women and children, and its viewers are participating in, contributing to, and being shaped by that destructive, enslaving system.”

Q&A: How Can I Ask My Church for Help with Mental Illness?
Amy Simpson answers the following question:

My husband has bipolar disorder, and my daughter really struggles with depression. My husband has started taking medication, but things are still rough. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it seems like it’s not working. My daughter gets so depressed, sometimes I’m afraid I’m going to lose her. And sometimes she seems like she doesn’t want to get better. Family life can be really hard, and I wish I had some help and support from my church. I’ve mentioned it to my pastor, and he says he’ll pray for me, but he doesn’t offer anything else. I think I might need to tell him some specific ways the church could help. Sometimes I feel like people are keeping their distance because they don’t know what to say or do. But I know these are good, loving people who care about me. What’s a good way to ask them for help?”

Kindle Books

For your non-Kindle book buying needs please consider using Reformation Heritage Books in the USA and Reformed Book Services in Canada. Good value prices and shipping.

Can I really trust the Bible?: and other questions about Scripture, truth and how God speaks $2.99.

Ephesians: The Mystery of the Body of Christ by Kent Hughes $7.99. I love this homiletical commentary series.

Job: The Wisdom of the Cross by Christopher Ash $7.99.