Kathleen Peck left an insightful comment to my article on controlling behavior that I wanted more people to see:

These types of controlling behaviors can be so difficult to identify because they’re so deeply entrenched in many of the positive behaviors & attributes you named here in the article. Being hard working, striving for the very best quality in everything or most effective use of time, resources, education, recreation, ALL seem to be productive life skills but where things turn the corner is our personal reactions when we’re unable to achieve these things, unable to somehow make everything right according to our high standards. Other people become annoyances, stumbling blocks, obstacles to be overcome.

Sadly I see myself in these descriptions, & I’m sure it’s been wounding for those around me to live with me. To be out of control in one area or another brings on such a feeling of being overwhelmed often to the point of just wanting to give up trying. It’s bearing the constant “all or nothing” burden that really weighs the heart/mind/body down. Living this kind of life is exasperating for the person under these strictures & equally so for those whom they’re being imposed upon.

God help us to turn over these fears & needs to control to the only wise One who truly does have all control & can be trusted in every circumstance to wield that control gently, graciously & altogether wisely.

A few comments on what Kathleen wrote:

1. Controlling behavior can be the result of good traits and habits carried to an extreme.

2. The problem can arise when we respond badly to our failure to achieve or to people and events messing up our plans.

3. It only takes one area of life to go wrong for some people to feel that all of life is out of control.

4. This impacts everyone connected to the person.

5. Trusting the wise and good sovereignty of God is key to overcoming vain attempts to achieve personal sovereignty.

Yesterday we looked at some of the symptoms and character traits of controlling people. But what are the deeper underlying causes? Unsurprisingly for a secular book that pays tribute to Freud, Mallinger traces the roots to one’s parents. However, in this case, he’s probably on to something, at least as a partial answer. He says the most common scenario he hears in his practice from obsessives and controllers is:

A parent whose love seemed conditional, tied to such things as how well they performed, and how “good” or capable they were. Because they also perceived their parents as critical, negativistic, and hard to please, these bright, sensitive children felt caught in a no-win situation, never feeling that they were good enough—never feeling secure. (7)

Mallinger does allow that this is based on the reporting of controlling types, and that this may simply be the way they perceive their parents. However, it’s too common a narrative to dismiss altogether, and it also makes sense that such parenting would often result in these traits being internalized by children.

Many of Mallinger’s obsessive patients did not feel liked by one or both parents. They’d tried to be good kids but were either not appreciated or frequently criticized. Nothing was ever good enough. The resulting feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and longing to be liked, engendered perfectionism, caution, drivenness, and other obsessive traits.

Moving on from the parental cause, Mallinger then identifies genes. Some kids are just perfectionist, picky, cautious, etc. from birth. They seem to have a constitutional pre-disposition to obsessiveness that is then often multiplied by early childhood experiences.

Christian Qualifications and Additions

These are helpful observations for understanding how such traits can develop, and should increase our compassion and understanding for such sufferers. However, as Christians with Calvin’s spectacles, we have to go further in three ways. First, we have to say that even if the causes have parental or genetic components, we must believe that the Word of God and the Holy Spirit have a necessary and important role to play in conditioning how we react to our parental or genetic inheritance. We are still responsible for seeking spiritual resources to re-condition or overcome our responses to such social or physical factors. (In extreme cases, this may be in combination with meds.) Hopefully we can explore what this looks like in further posts.

Second, there can also be spiritual causes such as a failure to trust in the sovereignty of God, refusal to accept one’s fallenness, denial of the world’s imperfection, or just plain pride and man- (and woman-) pleasing.

Third, we have to adjust our parenting so that we do not cause such problems for our children (and repent if we have). It’s hardly surprising in an age of hyper-achieving children (and parents) that there’s a growing epidemic of mental disorders in our kids. Mallinger speaks of the need for unconditional love. Unfortunately, for him that means simply accepting virtually everything our kids say and do. However, without going to that extreme, I’m sure it would help many of our kids to know that their parents love them regardless of their GPA. We might be sparing them a lifetime of misery.

The Controller’s Engine Room 

Regardless of whether the causes are psychological, biological, or spiritual, the engine room of a an obsessive is a constant effort to control everything in the world around them (and inside them). It’s an attempt to guarantee security; to assure safe passage through the risks and uncertainties of living. They somehow think that if they try hard enough they can eliminate risk.

Such behavior can pay handsome dividends, as it tends to produce high-achievers, people who are admired for their self-discipline and organization. However, it comes with a dreadful inner price tag of loneliness, fear, and anxiety. Here’s how Mallinger puts it:

Many obsessives suffer the endless agony of having to do everything well—an unnecessary imperative that can ruin even the most enjoyable of activities. Their fear of embarrassment and appearing less than perfect may keep them from trying new things. They struggle daily under the weight of a massive inner rulebook, an overgrown sense of duty, responsibility, and fairness. Most obsessives rarely taste the joys of the moment; the present hardly exists for them. Even in their time off, many can’t fully relax, or just play. Indeed, they never are really “off.” Worries bedevil them as they plow through life doing the “right” things, hoping that caution, diligence, and sacrifice will pay off—someday. (9)

Does this sound painfully familiar? Tomorrow we’ll look at Mallinger’s diagnostic tool to help us decide if our orderliness has become a disorder.

Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets out of Control by Allen Mallinger.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve been surprised at how many times “control” issues have emerged as a major issue in counseling Christians with anxiety and/or depression. (It’s been a major factor in marital counseling too.) As I couldn’t find any Christian books which dealt specifically with this subject, I bought Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control, put on my Calvin spectacles and started reading.

The book emerged out of the challenges and frustrations the author, psychiatrist Allan Mallinger, faced in trying to counsel obsessive people. Like other mental-health professionals, he found “obsessive people often are controlling or cerebral or distrustful or secretive or emotionally constricted or resistant to change or all of the above.”

Yes, they often have many virtues such as being hard-working, reliable, self-controlled, honest, etc. But their striving for excellence in themselves and others makes them too perfect for their own good. As Pascal said: “When we would pursue virtues to their extremes on either side, vices present themselves.… We find fault with perfection itself.” Their perfectionism means that are never at ease with themselves or with anyone else.

By this point, you might be thinking, “Am I looking in the mirror?” Well, here are examples of the kind of person Mallinger has in mind:

• The person so driven to meet professional and personal goals that she can’t abandon herself to a few hours of undirected leisure without feeling guilty or undisciplined.
• The person so preoccupied with making the right choice that he has difficulty making even relatively simple decisions usually regarded as pleasurable: buying a new stereo; choosing where to go on vacation.
• The person so finicky that his pleasure is spoiled if everything isn’t “just so.”
• The “thinkaholic” whose keen, hyperactive mind all too often bogs her down in painful worry and rumination.
• The perfectionist, whose need to improve and polish every piece of work chronically causes her to devote much more time than necessary to even inconsequential assignments.
• The person so intent upon finding the ultimate romantic mate that he seems unable to commit to any long-term relationship.
• The person so acclimated to working long hours that she can’t bring herself to cut back, even when confronted with evidence that the overwork is ruining her health or her family relationships.
• The procrastinator who feels angry at his “laziness”—unaware that the real reason he is unable to undertake tasks is that his need to do them flawlessly makes them loom impossibly large.

One of the primary ways in which the need to be in control (of oneself, others, life’s risks) manifests itself is perfectionism. When control and perfectionism combine, a whole family of personality traits is produced, including:

• A fear of making errors
• A fear of making a wrong decision or choice
• A strong devotion to work
• A need for order or firmly established routine
• Frugality
• A need to know and follow the rules
• Emotional guardedness
• A tendency to be stubborn or oppositional
• A heightened sensitivity to being pressured or controlled by others
• An inclination to worry, ruminate, or doubt
• A need to be above criticism—moral, professional, or personal
• Cautiousness
• A chronic inner pressure to use every minute productively

Mallinger points out that many of these traits are valuable and necessary for success. Problems arise when they become dominant and inflexible – that’s where checklists like this come in helpful.

They’re also useful because one of the greatest difficulties in counseling people with such self-generated anguish is that most obsessives are unaware that they’re harming themselves and others. Few, if any, come and say, “Hello, I’m an obsessive perfectionist with control issues!” Most come for another issue or, most commonly, because a loved one, a colleague, a boss, or a friend has encouraged them to seek help.

Having noted the symptoms, Mallinger says the next step is to trace the underlying cause or causes. I’ll return to that tomorrow, and I’d encourage all parents to tune in.

This is a slightly edited re-post of an article I wrote a couple of years ago which is relevant to our discussion of spiritual abuse. I also want to say that my focus in this series is not primarily the spiritual abuses of celebrities that end up on the “front pages,” but rather the largely unnoticed and unreported spiritual abuse that goes on in “ordinary” churches and Christian organizations. However, there is often a connection as the examples of the well-known are copied, and those motivated by the desire to be famous are more likely to resort to spiritual abuse when anyone or anything gets in their way.

In any discussion about spiritual abuse it’s important to distinguish between authority and authoritarianism? Let’s begin with some broad definitions:

Authority is the lawful use of lawful authority: God, the church, the state, or a business has given someone the right to govern and guide your life in a certain area, and that authority is being exercised in the right areas in the right way.

Authoritarianism is the exercise of unlawful authority: It’s someone who has not been given any authority over my life trying to rule and run my life, or someone who has authority in one limited area of my life, trying to rule and run other parts or every part of my life.

Authoritarianism is also the unlawful use of lawful authority: Someone takes the authority they’ve been given and abuses it by exercising it in ways that only benefits them and usually damages me.

Definitions help us to some degree, but illustrations can take us further. So let’s put together some marks of authoritarianism. What does this look like? How do I recognize it? How do I know if I’m being authoritarian or just exercising legitimate authority? How do I know if I’m being a victim of authoritarianism? Let’s see if we can build a description of “Mr. Controller.”

1. Mr. Controller is power hungry. He’s always trying to get more control over your life. He’s never satisfied with knowing what he knows about you, but always want to know more. He’s never content with power in one or two areas, but wants power in every area. He gets his biggest thrills from ordering other people around and making them feel subservient.

2. Mr. Controller never suspects he may be abusing his power. He never says, “Please let me know if I you ever think I’m overstepping my bounds.” He has little or no awareness about his own tendency to misuse power.

3. Mr. Controller gets easily and terribly offended whenever anyone questions his authority. “How dare you speak to me like that!” “Do you know who I am?” Any questioning is viewed as insubordination, rebellion, disrespect, etc.

4. Mr. Controller thinks of himself more as a King than a servant. He rarely thinks or asks “How can I serve you?” Instead, his prevailing attitude is “How can I rule you?” He’s out to gain more control not to give more help.  He empowers himself rather than others.

5. Mr. Controller threatens when threatened. Whenever his authority or power is questioned or challenged, even when it’s done humbly and appropriately, he warns of unpleasant consequences for the questioner. He certainly never pauses to ask, “Did I exceed my authority? Did I handle this correctly? Have I made a mistake?”

6. Mr. Controller keeps a long record. His position of power has enabled him to build big memory files on his “victims,” which he does not hesitate to use (or hint at using) when necessary.

7. Mr. Controller tells rather than teaches. He orders people around without explaining why. “Just do it!” He doesn’t take the time or make the effort to explain himself or his “guidance.” He prefers law and sanction to teaching, instruction, and motivation. He’s afraid that if he teaches principles and aims at changing the heart, that people will then work out things for themselves rather than be dependent upon him for everything.

8. Mr. Controller clings to power. Unlike true leaders who love to train other leaders and delegate power to them, he clings to power and refuses to let go. Because, of course, no one is as wise and competent as he is.

9. Mr. Controller hates to be controlled. He’s often resistant to anyone being in authority over him or telling him what he should be or do. He’s often a vociferous critic of other sources of power and authority around him. He figures, “If I can weaken him/her/them, then I strengthen myself.”

10. Mr. Controller lacks self-control. This is his weirdest characteristic. You’d think that such an addiction to control would produce a deeply disciplined person. Not at all. Most controllers have major deficits in the self-control department. Perhaps it’s because they are so busy interfering in other people’s lives that they neglect their own. Maybe it’s because they find it easier to direct and discipline others than themselves. I don’t know, but watch out for this. Behind most authoritarian personalities is usually a lack of biblical authority, often manifested in bad morals or bad temper.

And remember, there are Mrs. Controllers too.

Other posts in this series here.

INTRODUCTION

“I feel so dead….spiritually.” Is that you? You used to be so spiritually alive, but now you feel so spiritually dead. You still go through the motions of the Christian life, but it’s like dragging a corpse around. It’s a drudge and a labor. What’s gone wrong? And, how can I fix it? Why am I so dead and how can I revive my soul? Paul answers both questions in Romans 8:12-13.

BACKGROUND

Romans 8 tells us a lot about the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. What the law could not and cannot do, the Holy Spirit can and does.

• The Holy Spirit transforms our conscience (1-3)
• The Holy Spirit transforms our minds (4-9)
• The Holy Spirit transforms our bodies (10-11)
• The Holy Spirit transforms our holiness (12-13)
• The Holy Spirit transforms our assurance (14-17)
• The Holy Spirit transforms our suffering (18-25)
• The Holy Spirit transforms our prayers (26-27)
• The Holy Spirit transforms our purpose (28-29)

What’s the first step back to life? Calculating our debt to the Holy Spirit.

1. WE ARE DEBTORS TO THE SPIRIT 

“…we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die” (12-13).

We are not debtors to the flesh

We don’t owe the flesh (our sinful human nature) anything. We are under no obligation to the flesh. We have no debt to the flesh. The flesh has no legal or moral hold on us. It’s not our friend or benefactor but our enemy and our mortal foe.

We therefore have no obligation to live according to the flesh, to listen to the flesh, to follow the flesh, to respond to the flesh’s promptings. If we do try to please or satisfy our flesh, we will die. Our spiritual life will die a little. Sin starves, suffocates, and strangles our spiritual life. If that becomes a lifestyle, it means we are not truly saved, and we will die eternally.

We are debtors to the Spirit

This is not stated explicitly, but it is clearly implied as a contrast. If it was to be stated explicitly, it would read: “We are debtors to the Spirit, to live according to the Spirit. For if you live according to the Spirit, you will live.”

The Spirit transforms our conscience (Rom. 8:1-3), our minds (4-9), and our bodies (10-11). We therefore owe the Spirit so much. We owe the Spirit our spiritual life and our eternal life. Therefore we dedicate our lives to the Spirit. We listen to the Spirit, we follow the Spirit, we respond to the Spirit’s promptings. If we do that, we will live like we’ve never lived before. Every time we follow the Spirit we get more of the Spirit, we get more life.

CHANGING OUR STORIES WITH GOD’S STORY

Count your debt to the Spirit. Take time to calculate how much you owe the flesh. What has it ever done for you? How has it ever benefitted you? Where has it ever helped you? How much has it added to your life? How much do you owe the flesh? Nothing! Then calculate what the Holy Spirit has done for you, given to you, helped you, added to you. How much do you owe? Everything!

Increase your life by the Spirit. As you count your debt to the Spirit, it will make you more obliged to the Spirit, more grateful to the Spirit. That in turn will make you more aware of the Spirit, more receptive to the Spirit, more responsive to the Spirit, more alive by the Spirit. We are either spiritually dead or spiritually alive, but there are degrees of spiritual life. We can be barely breathing or thriving and flourishing. If we want the latter, if we want increased life, here’s how.

BAD DEBT SLAYS
GOOD DEBT STIMULATES

What do we do with this new life? We kill.

2. WE ARE KILLERS BY THE SPIRIT

We kill by the Spirit

“…if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live”? (13).

We “put to death the deeds of the body.” The deeds of the body are not only the sinful actions of the body, but also the desires, thoughts, words, and actions that precede and produce them (Matt. 15:18-20). We are to view these as murderers that we must murder first. The only debt we owe this enemy is death.

We kill sin by starving it of food (through the eye or the ear), by feeding it poison (God’s Word), by attacking it with prayer, by joining forces with others (accountability), by remembering the worst ever murder (Christ on the cross). We are to do this, we are to do the killing. But we cannot do this in our own strength or by our own power. We cannot do this by self-discipline or self-improvement. We can only do this by the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives. The Spirit of life helps us to kill the threats to his life in us.

“Until you believe that life is war — that the stakes are your soul — you will probably just play at Christianity with no blood-earnestness and no vigilance and no passion and no wartime mindset. If that is where you are this morning, your position is very precarious. The enemy has lulled you into sleep or into a peacetime mentality as if nothing serious is at stake. And God, in his mercy, has you here this morning, and had this sermon appointed to wake you up, and put you on a wartime footing.” John Piper.

We live by killing

“You will live” (13).

If we kill, we will live. Killing killers enlivens life. Christians kill sin to stimulate life. For the Christian, life follows killing. We live by killing. As you kill, you will get more life, which will energize you to kill another sin, which will give you more life, and so on. There is always another sin to kill, and each attempted murder is an opportunity for more life.

What does that life look like? It looks like greater love for God, greater assurance of salvation, greater heavenly-mindedness, greater discernment, greater guidance, greater courage, greater opportunities to witness, greater help in everyday life, greater answers to prayer, greater enjoyment of God, greater insight into Scripture, greater usefulness to others, greater hatred of sin. So much life!

CHANGING OUR STORIES WITH GOD’S STORY

Get a wartime mindset. “The only possible attitude toward out-of-control desire is a declaration of all-out war. . . There is something about war that sharpens the senses . . . You hear a twig snap or the rustling of leaves and you are in attack mode. Someone coughs and you are ready to pull the trigger. Even after days of little or no sleep, war keeps us vigilant.” Ed Welch.

Kill one sin. Instead of trying to attack all our sins at once, target one, and develop a plan to murder it this week. It might be time-wasting, lust, gossip, anger, greed, discontent. Whatever it is, identify it, target it, gather intelligence on it, build up resources, develop a plan of attack, and determine that this week you are going to murder this sin. Then target another, and another, and soon you will become a serial killer of serial sins.

KILL SIN OR
SIN WILL KILL YOU

SUMMARY

A NEW CHAPTER

Unbeliever: You will never kill sin without the help of the Holy Spirit. You might stop the acts of sin for a while, but the root is still there and only the Holy Spirit can root it out. Pray that the Holy Spirit will start new life in your soul by regeneration.

Believer: You need a wartime mentality and a killer instinct when it comes to sin. The more you kill, the more you will revive. But like, the unbeliever, you cannot do this on your own. Pray to the Holy Spirit for a murderous spirit and a ruthless merciless determination to kill sin. The weapon he uses most is the Word of God (Heb 4:12).

Prayer: Sin-killing Spirit, share your killer instinct with me so that I can murder sin and enjoy deeper, greater, and better life.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1. What has killed or is killing your spiritual life?

2. What debts to you owe to the Holy Spirit? Put a value on it.

3. What have you found to give you greater spiritual life?

4. What have you found helpful in killing sin?

5. How do you know if you have increased spiritual life? What are the signs of life?

6. How did Jesus experience these verses in his earthly life?

PDF OF SERMON NOTES.