An email from my heart

February 23, 2010  David Murray   20 comments
What do you do when you hear that a young woman you once knew well, and who had been showing much spiritual promise, has started dating a non-Christian?

Here’s a lightly edited email I sent some time ago when faced with that tragic situation (name changed). What would you remove from or add to this email?

Dear Rachel,

I hope you are well and that the Lord is continuing to bless you in your vocation. I often think of you with much fondness.

I know that I am about to risk losing your friendship and affection. However, Rachel, I must write the next few sentences because there is a far greater risk you are running – the risk of losing your own soul. I know you have not made a profession of faith, but you cannot deny that the Lord has been at work in your life; and I had a good hope of it being a saving work. However, you are in great danger of spoiling and ruining this work by dating an unbeliever.

I have seen this pattern repeated again and again and again over the past twenty five years. Christian young woman starts dating unbeliever. Unbeliever starts going to church now and again. Christian young woman persuades herself that the unbeliever is converted or soon will be. They marry (often after pre-marital immorality). The unbeliever gradually loses his “interest” in the Gospel, and stops going to church. The marriage suffers. The Christian young woman backslides. Any children are usually drawn to the unbelieving man and start living ungodly lives. The marriage is miserable and often ends. The young woman’s life is destroyed and so is her witness. That is exactly as we should expect because the Bible forbids the believer from making the choice to be united to an unbeliever (1 Cor. 7:39; 2 Cor. 6:14-16). The exceptions to this pattern are extremely rare.

Rachel, your life is so full of potential for happiness, usefulness, and Christian fruitfulness. I plead with you, please, please, please give up this relationship and seek the Lord’s forgiveness and mercy. The Lord can provide a wonderful Christian husband for you, if you are patient and seek His will. And, above all, seek marriage to the best husband of all, the Lord Jesus Christ.

With much Christian love,

David.

PS. She never replied.

  • Katherine

    How heartbreaking that she never replied. I agree with you in principle and in practice. However, as a single Christian woman, I can also say that is very hard to wait, when there seems to be no “possibilities.” Where are the single Christian men?

  • Andy

    As one of the formerly single Christian men, I can say that it was wholly discouraging to get shot down again and again by women who would then turn around and say to each other, “Where are the single Christian men?” “Uhh… I’m right here!” I’d think to myself, “I asked you out last week!”I’m not accusing you of this, Katherine. Nor am I letting men off the hook. In fact, there are a lot of single men in the culture-at-large who are still living like they’re still adolescents, even into their 30s, and many males in the church have sadly mimicked that same lifestyle, to their shame. I suspect this is because much of the church has chased after the world, but I’m honestly not sure what the solution is.Nevertheless, I’m am CERTAIN there are some quality single Christian men out there. I’m reminded of Elijah crying out to God in the wilderness, when it seemed like he was the only faithful believer left in Israel, “I alone am left, and they seek my life!” he cried out in exasperation. But God answered him, “I have kept for Myself seven thousand men who have not bowed the knee to Baal.” In the same way, even when all seems hopeless and lost, we can take comfort in the fact that God sovereignly preserves a remnant of faithful believers for Himself.Singles often hear the cliche, “When you find contentment being single, that’s when God brings someone along.” This is simply NOT TRUE and not Biblical. Yes, we should be content in where God has us in life (and even rejoice in our suffering), but there’s nothing wrong with desiring marriage. After all, Scripture affirms that marriage and family is good and desirable! However, Scripture ALSO makes it clear that our highest priority is God and His glory, and if a marriage is going to take us down a different path (as marrying an unbeliever is likely to do), then we ought to remain single for the time being, counting everything loss for the surpassing worth of knowing Christ as Lord, and sharing in His sufferings, which no doubt included the surpassing loneliness of loving people far deeper than they could ever love Him back.I know this sounds cliched, and somewhat trite, seeing as I am no longer single myself, but these are the things I wish I could go back and tell my single self 5 or 10 years ago.

  • chris

    22 years later…I will never regret waiting (until I was 26!) to marry a man who’s walk with God I admired and felt like I wanted to ‘catch up’ to…..I am still joyfully following.

  • Katherine

    I agree with you Andy, but indeed, that is the problem. I literally moved to a different country, and have still found this to be the case–there are just no single Christian guys. There are plenty of married Christian men, but they are married. Chris, I am happy for you, but I (and many of my single friends) passed 26 quite awhile ago. I honestly do wonder at the dearth in the Christian church of single men. There are plenty who are not Christians, and I Would never advocate dating a non-Christian, but I can understand the loneliness thay would lead a woman to that wrong decision. Personally, I think there are much larger, more dire implications for the Church at large when the only men attending are married.

  • Robert Palmer

    This is a pastoral letter most pastors have never sent. Dr. Murray, I wouldn’t change a thing! The church and denomination, which I hail from, has a sad dating scene! In my opinion, the problem sits at the heart of the family. We seem to have embraced society’s poison of individualism. The spirit and advice of your letter should be instilled in the young man or woman by way of the father or mother in the family setting. Another point I would make is that of desperation among young people where I live. I would say, use your free time outside of marriage to serve the Lord. Read books, study doctrines, in other words, prepare yourself for marriage! And if marriage doesn’t work out, was Paul not of the opinion that there is greater service to be had with the Lord in the state of singleness? Young men and women, you are Christ’s 1st and make your spiritual marriage union with him priority, not finding the next exciting date. I am in a relationship for which I am thankful to the Lord, but when I was single and if I was single now I wouldn’t be any less happy. God bless your invaluable ministry Dr. Murray.

  • Stephy

    I have sent letters like this in the past and they’ve been devastating to my relationship with the person. When I’ve been on the receiving end of such letters they’ve been devastating to me since they are so unrelational, despite what they say (that the sender is concerned and loving). So I see these kinds of letters as harmful.

  • Robert Palmer

    I wouldn’t count my relationship with someone more important than their relationship with God. This letter was the duty of a pastor and a pastor must seek the spiritual welfare of an individual above all things. He is first to point out dangerous and grievous sins, and then nurture the fallen one back to good spiritual health. Being on good terms with regard to the pastors relationship with a child of God is requisite in these circumstances.I feel the scripture not only supports this kind of action but demands it of the office of a pastor and minister of the gospel. He is referred to in 1 Peter as an overseer and shepherd, one who watches out for the flock and tends to them when necessary. Look at Nathan, he rebuked David at seeming risk of losing his life. This is my opinion Stephy. I hope you can see my point. People have come to me before about issues in my life and I reacted stubbornly but it stuck with me and I knew it was right.

  • Stephy

    A letter doesn’t communicate love and care the way being with someone will, which is what scripture tells us to do (love others as ourselves). I have written these letters in the past and have also received them so I know what it feels like to write them and also to get them. If a pastor’s duty is to oversee the flock, how can he care well for them if he never hears from them again?

  • Anonymous

    Sorry. Your problem is with the use of a letter rather than personal contact? I thought you were disagreeing with the open and personal concerns of a pastor. Well, Paul wrote much by letter rebuking and exhorting. Some of the things were about immorality etc. We can’t judge this example fully, only the intent and content can we appraise. I assume this pastor had a good personal relationship with the girl and her family. I’m sure he planned to meet her again and talk it over if she wished. Another thing, if I was wishing to pastor a young girl in these things I wouldn’t do so personally and privately. I think this shows wisdom here, as the letter is full of concern and love but it does not push it into her face, as may be the immediate experience of the girl if it was one to one.I’m not sure how much the family would be involved here. Maybe they talked it over with the pastor? Or maybe he had approached them?A letter gives time for a person to think, and if one decides that the pastoral care of their minister is too much for them, then what can a pastor do? He has fulfilled his duty.Also (I hope I’m not going on), in my experience there is something very special about a letter; something lasting and full of meaning and care!

  • Stephy

    Thanks Bob…I can appreciate that a letter means a lot to you. When I received letters like this, when I was younger, it didn’t feel meaning and full of care; it felt more critical and rebuking. Even if that is how the Apostle Paul did it to the churches spread out, when there is a person in your congregation, especially a younger one, I don’t know if a letter like this will be conducive to relationship. He did say he never heard from her after sending the letter. And he also said in the letter “I know you have not made a profession of faith,” so I wonder how she felt that he would comment on her decisions. I don’t regret dating non-Christians before I got married. I’ve been married 11 years, to a Christian, and I feel the decisions I made up unto then (and still) were instrumental in me seeing who God is, even if I didn’t make decisions pastoral types approve of.

  • Rocky Presley

    Bob, do you believe that Paul’s letters were authored by God? One foundational principle of Christianity is that we believe that every word that Paul penned was God breathed. Now, do you believe the same thing about this email? Also, Paul would have had to travel for weeks, if not months to reach these places. This was an email to someone that is seen every week, and is at the very least a phone call away.I think it goes further. It is not only inconsiderate to not speak to someone in person, it is also cowardly. You cannot communicate the heart through email, and it is a rookie mistake that I have made often, but make it a practice not to do any more. Would I remove from or add to this email. Absolutely not. I would love the person enough to look them in the eye and be moved by the Holy Spirit to speak the truth in love. This woman never responded because she felt cheapened by such a valueless form of communication. I wouldn’t respond either.

  • EmergentDude

    I have to side with Stephy on this. I’ve sent these letters to and I am still embarrassed just remembering it.This letter is more than just being a bit harsh and guilt ridden, I think it’s mostly awkward. It’s not personal or friendly, it’s a little weird. Like I said I’ve written these weird letters and even had these weird conversations. Usually it was something inside myself that I was trying to communicate, but I dressed it up with scripture and Christian principles. In one instance I wrote a friend a strange letter about her calling in life and following God, when in reality I had a big crush on her and knew I wasn’t her type. I latched on to her issue because it was like a reflection of what was really going on in mine: unrequited love (or like). I just couldn’t handle it head on. She didn’t really talk to me much after that.I’m not saying that that’s what happened in this letter, but when I wrote them, that’s what was going on in me.

  • Anonymous

    To not regret sin is to be in dangerous ground with biblical repentance. In my comments I distanced our disagreement from the circumstances and tried to look at the circumstance objectively as a whole. You’ve assumed a lot in your comments. We cannot be certain of the context of the situation. I don’t believe this email was inspired by God but I it seems that it was sent by a concerned pastor on the basis of scriptural guidance and grounds for a pastor. I think your comments inferring I must believe it is inspired to agree with all of it is unfair.There are definitely some pastoral issues to take account of in the sending of an email to a young women. I’ve already referred to some of these and I still feel they’re valid.If this argument is coming down to the rightness or wrongness of sending a letter/email, then I think the point is widely missed. I believe there are circumstances that are best suited to other forms of communication and this “kind” (for we don’t know all the context) of circumstance would be it. You’re calling this pastoral effort cowardly, I would call it wise and moving. Maybe she believed that as well, but because of her sin could never face her pastor again. Maybe she did resent it, but her resentment does not lie at the door of the pastor, ultimately she resents the calls of Christ through the pastor.I say again, this is my opinion and I’m not going to get hung up on it if you don’t see the place for letters/emails. Your call.

  • Anonymous

    Hi EmergentDude! Cool name, although I’m not sure of it’s message? We must take into account that this is a pastoral letter. Your account of letter sending is slightly amusing for an outsider (I’m sure that’s not the case with you), I hope you don’t mind me thinking that?

  • Allison in Texas

    No one likes to be chastised via email. Especially adults. That’s why she didn’t email back.These kinds of efforts are the kinds of things that push people away- away from the church, and away from you. These other commentors are trying, nicely, to tell you that. No one is going to listen to this kind of advice, and all it will do is make her resent you (even if you turn out to be right). It’s counterproductive in the extreme.Also, why is it any of your business who she dates? I didn’t see any “love” or “concern”- only an attempt to control the behavior of an independent woman. I am saying this as a woman who has controlling tendencies myself- but people generally like to manage their own lives and affairs, even if they make mistakes.

  • cd

    This letter, and the comments to it, are sadly telling. Being Christian amounts to being reactionary per the author and some commenters. Yet the operational definition of reactionary remains, as ever, to be to be a misanthrope of some kind (bigot, in the popular parlance) supposedly justified by an Ancient World religious metaphysic.I doubt this is the spirit or actual teaching of Jesus of Nazareth.

  • EmergentDude

    Hi Bob-Laura. Thanks for finding my story amusing. I understand this is a pastoral letter, but it is still weird to me. For one, why is he offering such personal advice to a woman who hasn’t even made a “profession of faith?” To me it signals that she hasn’t put herself under the church’s spiritual authority.And saying that if she makes this mistake her children will be ungodly? So much for the redemptive power of the cross. One mistake and BAM! your children follow your heathen ex to hell! While I understand the heart of the pastor, the words in this letter smack of a graceless God, more concerned rules than anything else.There is wisdom in not marrying unbelievers, but this letter does nothing to explain it.

  • EmergentDude

    Hey, cd,I think you reinforced the point you were trying to make… : )

  • David Murray

    Wow, I leave my desk for a few hours…Thanks for all the advice. It helps to see how different the reactions to the same words can be, depending on your previous experience.I haven’t given all the details in the above scenario, and I can’t give much more. But it may help you to know:1. Physical meeting was impossible (separated by thousands of miles, an ocean, and probably also a couple of continents). 2. Telephoning was also impossible (can’t give details)3. I was encouraged to email by her family (I view email as a last resort)4. She had come to faith in Christ but had not yet professed that faith publicly by becoming a member of the church5. It was written in the context of a long-term, strong and positive previous relationship6. I have seen exceptions to this scenario – God does not deal with us as we deserve – but they are sadly very rare.

  • Daniel

    I think that written communications have several benefits over face-to-face communication.1. A letter can be reread whereas a conversation can be ignored and blocked from the mind – forgotten.2. Writing helps to arrange ones own thoughts and logical approach to the situation.3. A written communication can be edited and changed before being sent, whereas if an unwise statement is made in a conversation, it’s very hard – if not impossible – to take it back or undo it.You have only to read the letters of Samuel Rutherford and Archibald Alexander (amongst many others) to see what great advantages a letter or e-mail has over a spoken conversation. That’s not to say of course that a letter or e-mail trumps a verbal conversation, writing has its drawbacks and benefits, yet personal conversation also has its drawbacks. To write off (no pun intended) letter-writing so glibly is, in my opinion, unwise and having read the reasons and context of Dr Murray’s decision to write, it was clearly the best choice of action. When it comes to the pride of man’s heart, I don’t think advice – written or spoken – is ever taken well. If he had said those very things to her personally, would the effect have been any different? No one likes to be chastised, period – whether in writing or in person.