So, we all got a few laughs and not a little insight over the past couple of days as we looked at what teenage guys wanted girls to know about them, and then at what the girls wanted the guys to know.

Today I’m posting the bullet points of what I thought the guys should know about girls – a little bit more sober and serious today! Obviously I filled out these points in the workshop, but I hope they’ll give some further talking points for your families! Thanks again to my research assistant (and his wife!) for valuable input.

Ten Things Guys Should Know About Girls
(NB: does not apply to every girl)

1. Girls value relationship more than things.

2. Girls want you to value their opinion and to discuss major decisions with her.

3. Girls want undivided attention when communicating, and want you to listen (esp. to their feelings) before fixing.

4. Girls have a biological cycle that impacts their moods, attitudes, behaviors, etc.

5. Girls talk more when stressed (men retreat and clam up) and imagine worst-case scenarios.

6. Girls want to feel loved:

  • Value her more than your friends, mother, children, family, job, etc.
  • Praise and affirm frequently (do not praise other women)
  • Romantic surprises and gifts (big AND small)
  • Prefer to be held & hugged rather than reasoned with.

7. Girls have an unfathomable connection with their children.

8. Girls want you to see a person (with inner beauty, personality, aims, hopes, dreams) not a body, not body parts.

9. Girls want you to put some effort into your appearance & hygiene (without becoming vain).

10. Girls value stability and want you to give steady leadership especially in spiritual matters, finances, and children.


  • Ryan J. Ross

    Mr. Murray,

    I do not wish to sound contentious, so please do not receive my comment that way.

    These sound like generalizations and hollywood stereotypes. I read no biblical support for any of these propositions. In addition, those generalities fail to take into account the multi-faceted character of human nature.

    For example, I am a married man and can say that this is just absolutely wrong: “Girls talk more when stressed (men retreat and clam up) and imagine worst-case scenarios.” My wife becomes very quiet when “stressed out” and does not communicate as much. As for me, I do not retreat and clam up at all. I try very dilligently to make my wife aware of those things that may be confusing, so that we might pray for each other in a more informed manner.

    You may respond that these “do not apply to every single girl,” but this is a hasty generalization. It may be your experience that women are “generally” like this, but my experience suggests the opposite to be true with respect to most of these points.

    In fact, many women may be offended by such stereotyping. For example, “Girls value stability and want you to give steady leadership especially in spiritual matters, finances, and children.” What about the effects of the Fall. “Your desire will be for your husband, but he will rule over you.” Learning to be submissive for a wife can take much time, especially if the husband abuses his authority. Also, what evidence suggests that women value male leadership concerning finances. In fact, many women handle the finaces for their families and, some may deliberately avoid their husbands leadership in these areas because of the husband’s previously poor financial planning, to name only one reason.

    Also, many husbands have probably had a fight with their spouse because she failed to take into account (or fails to take into account regularly) the husband’s views of child-rearing. In fact, one of the other points you made about women haveing an “unfathomably” connection with their children may contribute to this.

    It is also interesting and inconsistent, in my opinion, that you say women want to feel loved by romantic surprises big and small and that girls value relationships more than things. I understand it could be compatible in some sense, but how do women value a relationship more than things, but feel loved when they get things. That seems to place an emphasis on things over the relationship.

    What’s more, the point about women valuing relationships more than things can be both false and sinful, right? Simply because women value relatioships does not mean that it is a healthy, biblical valuation? Nor is it always true. Materialism, consumerism, covetousness, envy, etc. are all sins that plague women too, right? Many women can be enslaved by these sins just as much as men, right?

    These types of lists are unhelpful. It would be better, in my opinion, to abandon the lists and encourage husbands to get to know their wives in a particular, unique, and careful way. The husband should learn what his wife values and work to encourage those that are healthy and discourage those that are (or will lead, if unchecked)sin.

    Men should find out what is peculiar to his relational situation and find ways to nurture his wife, dwelling with her in an understanding way, while prayerfully striving to ensure that she is presented to Christ as pure, spotless, and blameless. A husband should work to ensure that material things are of little consequence in the way they view love as well, in my opinion. Love is many things. It is patient, kind, longsuffering, covering a multitude of sins, keeps no record of wrongs, evinces itself in love for the family of God and the Father of that family, especially, but love is no where said to be expressed in the giving of “big” gifts. Biblical love is about an objective reality, though there is a subjective side. Biblical love is the objective reality that because of God’s love toward us Christ died for us, so that in Him we might live. It is in this union with our beloved Savior that we experience, subjectively, his love in the application of redemption. There are benefits of salvation, but the joy does not come from gifts, but the Giver of all good things, namely, his Son.

    The lists are oversimplifications that are more likely to get a husband in trouble than help him serve his wife as a co-heir of Christ. Young men should abandon this list and cling to Jesus Christ, awaiting anxiously his appearing (and possibly his provision of a very unique, special women that is probably not represented accurately, if at all, by this list).

    Finally, what is the goal or objective of a post like this? What should one gain or do after learning these points? Is this to help men avoid upsetting a partner? Or, to help them know how to interact better with them? Does this ensure that men can be better prepared for a relationship? Some women might like to hear these things, but I doubt it will seriously help the young man entering into a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. It may actually impair his relationship as he tries to fit a “girl” into this bulleted mold for “most women.”

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