As I’m often asked for book recommendations on various subjects, I decided to put together an online list of my top ten books in various categories. Basically, if I was only allowed 10 books in my library on that subject, these are the ten I would choose. Previous posts include:

• Top 10 Books on Christ in the Old Testament
• Top 10 Books on Preaching
• Top 10 Books on Depression
• Top 10 Biographies of Christian Men
• Top 10 Biographies of Christian Women
• Top 10 Books on Fighting Porn
• Top 10 Books for Moms
• Top 10 Books for Graduates
• Top 10 Books on Leadership
• Top 10 Books on Christian Leadership
• Top 10 Books for Dads
• Top 10 Books on Using Technology
• Top 10 Puritan Books on Sin
• Top 10 Modern Books on Sin
• Top 10 Books on Christians and Work
• Top 10 Books for Elders
• Top 10 Books for Youth Groups

This week so far, we’ve looked at marriage and relationships from several different angles:

• Completing, Not Competing
• Five Ways to Lead Your Wife
• Two Models for Husband-Wife Love

Today I wanted to share a bibliography on some of the best books on marriage based on (1) personal experience, (2) recommendations from various people over the years, and (3) some of the best-selling lists. I’ve put three and two stars beside some titles that are the most useful. If there are any other good books I’ve missed, please leave a comment with the title and I’ll add it to the list. Many thanks to Esther, our new Faculty Assistant, for all her help in compiling this.

*** Adams, J. E. (1972). Christian Living in the Home. Grand Rapids, Mich: Baker Book House. Recommended by Dr. Joel Beeke (and me).

Bancroft, L. (2003). Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York: Berkley Books.  This title is specifically on spousal abuse.

** Beeke, J. (2012). Friends and Lovers: Cultivating Companionship and Intimacy in Marriage. Cruciform Press. 

*** Burk, D. (2013). What Is the Meaning of Sex?. Wheaton, IL: Crossway.

Chapman, G. D. (1982). Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed. Chicago: Moody Press. Recommended by Dr. Joel Beeke.

** Chapman, G. D. (2010). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Chicago: Northfield Pub. Dr. Chapman’s 5 Love Languages are often discussed in pre-marital counseling and the book has spun off companion books such as The 5 Love Languages of Children and The 5 Love Languages: Singles Edition

Chapman, G. D. (2010). Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married. Chicago: Northfield Pub.

** Chediak, A., & Chediak, M. (2006). With One Voice: Singleness, Dating & Marriage to the Glory of God. Fearn, Ross-Shire, Scotland: Christian Focus. Recommended by Dr. Beeke.

Dunn, A. (2009). Gospel Intimacy in a Godly Marriage. North Bergen, NJ: Pillar and Ground Publications. This one is Dr. Beeke’s favorite to give as a wedding present.

Eggerichs, E. (2004). Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. Nashville, TN: Integrity Publishers.  Eggerichs clearly lays out the differences between the needs of men and women.

Evans, J. (1994). Marriage on the Rock. New York: McCracken Press. The book outlines four foundational laws of marriage (priority, pursuit, possession, purity) and then describes how to build a solid marriage on top of that foundation.

Gouge, W. (2006). Of Domestical Duties. Edinburgh, IN: Puritan Reprints. Because what’s a bibliography without at least one Puritan? Also see Kindle edition here or Building a Godly Home, Volume 2: A Holy Vision for a Happy Marriage for a shorter, easier-to-read version.

Harley, W. F. (1986). His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. Old Tappan, N.J: F.H. Revell Co. A best-seller on Amazon and a modern classic.  Dr. Harley comes from a Christian background, but his books and his organization Marriage Builders do not limit themselves to only serving a Christian audience.

*** Harvey, D. T. (2007). When Sinners Say “I Do”. Wapwallopen, Pa: Shepherd Press. Also, currently only $1.99 on Amazon (as of the date of this post’s publishing).

Hiestand, G., & Thomas, J. (2012). Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach. Wheaton, Ill: Crossway.

*** Keller, T. J., & Keller, K. (2011). The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. New York: Dutton. Recommended all around.  An absolute must-read. I wrote an unofficial study guide to go along with the book for one couple I was counseling prior to their marriage.

Kendrick, S., Kendrick, A., & Kimbrough, L. (2008). The Love Dare. Nashville, Tenn: B & H Publishing Group. Lays out very practical ways to show love in marriage. This book was a companion to Fireproof, released a few years back.

LaHaye, T. F., & LaHaye, B. (1976). The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Pub. House.

Mahaney, C. (2004). Feminine Appeal. Wheaton, Ill: Crossway Books.

Mahaney, C. J., & Mahaney, C. (2004). Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God: What Every Christian Husband Needs to Know Wheaton, Ill: Crossway Books.

Maken, D. (2006). Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness. Wheaton, IL: Crossway.

Munroe, M. (2002). The Purpose and Power of Love & Marriage. Shippensburg, PA: Destiny Image. Recommended by Dr. Beeke.

Parrott, L., & Parrott, L. L. (2006). Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before—and After—You Marry. Grand Rapids, Mich: Zondevan.

Peace, M. (1993). The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective. Peachtree City, GA: Bible Data Services. Recommended by Dr. Beeke. Companion volume for men: The Exemplary Husband: A Biblical Perspective by Stuart Scott.

** Piper, J., & Taylor, J. (2005). Sex and the Supremacy of Christ. Wheaton, Ill: Crossway Books. 

** Piper, J. (2012). This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence. Wheaton, IL: Crossway.

Rhodes, R. (2012). The Marriage Bed. Dawsonville, GA: Books that Nourish. Includes a seven day plan for cultivating intimacy in your marriage.

Sande, K., & Raabe, T. (2002). Peacemaking for Families. Wheaton, Ill: Tyndale House Publishers. Recommended by Dr. Beeke.  The book is in four sections.  One of the four is specific to marriage, the others to other parts of family life.

Schaumburg, H. (2009). Undefiled: Redemption From Sexual Sin, Restoration for Broken Relationships. Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers. 

*** Sproul, R. C. (2003). The Intimate Marriage: A Practical Guide to Building a Great Marriage. Phillipsburg, N.J: P & R Pub.

** Thomas D., & R. (2007). A Biblical Guide to Love, Sex, and Marriage. Darlington, UK: EP Books.

Thomas, G. (2000). Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?. Grand Rapids, Mich: Zondervan Pub. House. This title discusses marriage as a spiritual discipline.

Tripp, P. D. (2010). What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage. Wheaton, Ill: Crossway Books.  

Watters, C. (2007). Get Married: What Women Can do to Help it Happen. Wheaton, IL: Moody.

Winner, L. F. (2005). 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life: Defining Your Dating Style. Colorado Springs, CO: THINK Books.

See other Top Books posts for different subjects here.

Reader Suggestions

Marriage Matters by Winston Smith.

Husbands tend to fall into one of two errors. Some are too passive, others are too domineering or controlling. In Ephesians 5, Paul addresses both extremes. To the passive abdicator of responsibility, he says, “Lead your wife.” To the aggressive tyrant, he says, “Love your wife.”

Let’s focus on Mr Passive today and see if we can help him step up to the plate and start leading. Before we do so, though, let’s just deal with some objections that may already be rising about this idea of the husband being the leader.

Two Equalities

First of all we state categorically that when it comes to salvation there is no distinction, no difference between men and women. All Christians are equally loved, forgiven, and adopted (Gal. 3:28). 

Second, men and women are essentially equal. As we noted yesterday, God made us different, not to compete with one another but to complement one another. These differences do not make one gender better than the other. We must not allow a smidgeon of thought that differences mean any essential inferiority or superiority.

Even though women are weaker than men in some areas (like physical strength), women are stronger than men in other areas (like longevity and intuition). Each needs the other to perfect and complete them.

But even given soteriological and essential equality, in day-to-day living there has to be a leader, a captain of a team, a manager of a business, and a head of a home. And for that day-to-day family life, God has appointed the husband to be the head of the wife (Ephesians 5:23). What does that mean?

Lead as a Head 

When many of us hear the language of headship, we immediately think of our worst experiences at the hands of authority figures: a bad-tempered boss, an aggressive coach, an abusive father, a despotic minister, an egomaniacal politician, and so on.

However, we’ve got to put these images out of our minds, and think only of the head-body imagery that Paul deliberately chooses here. That changes everything. There’s a huge difference between being a ruler and a head.

A head is attached to the body, cannot exist without the body, cares for the body, and provides for the body. A ruler has no such connection, dependence, or relationship to the ruled. This leadership, then, is a metaphor of protection not of power, of salvation not domination, as Paul’s very next words underline:

For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.

Lead as a Servant

“He is the Savior of the body.” Just as Christ came not to be served but to serve and to give His life a ransom for many, so the husband is to demonstrate this kind of unselfish headship in his relationship to his wife.

Lead by Listening

One of the ways a husband leads and serves his wife is by listening to her. He doesn’t assume that he knows everything, that he has all the answers, that wisdom begins and ends with him. He sees His wife as wonderful resource, as his chief adviser, as a treasure trove of insight and knowledge. He therefore asks for and listens to her advice and counsel. He also listens to her concerns, fears, and worries.

Lead by Deciding

Yes, the husband puts his wife first, listens carefully to her, takes full account of her views, and weighs them seriously, But ultimately he has to take the final decision, and accept all the responsibility for that. He must not pass the buck (or drop it) the buck stops with him in both spiritual and temporal matters.

Lead by Delegating

A good manager doesn’t do everything himself. He knows how to delegate, and he does so in a way that brings out the best in people and helps them to flourish. As Jay Adams put it:

A good manager will look at his helper and say, “She has certain abilities. If I am going to manage my household well, I must see that every last one of those gifts is developed and put to use as fully as possible.” He will not want to quash her personality; rather, he will seek to bring it to the fullest flower.

According to the CDC, US life expectancy has reached an all time high of 79, but at the same time suicide rates have climbed to a 25-year high.

Some research suggests suicides increase during hard economic times, but this trend has persisted before, during, and after the recession of 2007-2009. Some experts have said the sale and abuse of prescription painkillers in the last decade have been a contributing factor.

In the United States, young adult and teen suicide is the third leading cause of death for those between the ages of 10-24 according to the U.S. Centers for Disease control. Young adults and late teens dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts often keep to themselves and can be afraid or unwilling to talk to their parents or other influential adults in their lives. Dr. Jesse Vinver from the Yellowbrick treatment center  has put together a list of the warning signs and causes of depression and suicide in young adults along with tips for seeking help and providing support that can be seen in this helpful infographic.

I’m not endorsing Yellowbrick ( I don’t know enough about them) but I thought this was a helpful basic infographic that might help suffering families.

Depression-Suicide Graphic

I and my fellow elders at Grand Rapids Free Reformed Church have been focusing on elder training over the past couple of months. Part of that involved preaching on 1 Timothy 3v1-7, a sermon that ended up with 10 points (not usually recommended!):

1. The vital importance of these verses: This saying is trustworthy

This passage is the second “faithful saying” and is introduced with the same words as the amazing statement of soteriology in 1 Tim. 1:15, emphasizing the importance of ecclesiology.

2. The huge responsibility in these verses: the position of an overseer

Paul uses “shepherd,” “elder,” and “bishop/overseer” interchangeably indicating that they are three different words for the one office.  To “oversee” includes observation, analysis, discernment, guiding, guarding, etc.

3. The powerful and pure desire in these verses: If anyone aspires to the office…

This is a strong desire but also a commended desire because it is not motivated by selfishness and pride but by a desire to serve Christ and His church.

4. The worthy work in these verses: a noble task

It is work; it involves labor, sweat, toil, and effort. But it is noble (lit. “beautiful”) work.

5. The uncompromising imperative in these verses: the elder must be

Given the importance and worth of this work, there are rigorous qualifications to be imposed. It’s not “Ideally…If possible…We’d prefer…” It’s a “must.” An imperative. An uncompromising standard.

6. The beautiful self-control in these verses: blameless

After insisting that the elder must be “above-reproach,” “blameless (lit “unassailable”) Paul moves to Christian morality in general with a strong emphasis on Spirit-given self-control or self-discipline:

• Self controlled in sexual matters: husband of one wife
• Self-controlled in behavior: vigilant, temperate:
• Self-controlled in thinking: sober-minded
• Self-controlled with money: not covetous
• Self-controlled in the use of addictive substances: not given to much wine:
• Self-controlled in conflict: not violent

7. The useful service in these verses: hospitable, able to teach

His holy character comes out in holy service of others:

• The elder is hospitable: warm, welcoming to others, invites people to enjoy food and fellowship in his home
• The elder is able to teach: able to communicate appropriate information in an appropriate way and at an appropriate time

8. The testing ground in these verses: manage his own household well

Due to parallels, a man’s home is a testing place for his role in the church. One indicates suitability for the other.

9. The fearful danger in these verses: not a recent convert

Choosing elders is a serious business with serious consequences if we get it wrong – both for the church and the person. That’s why we must avoid electing new converts or any with limited spiritual maturity.

10. The evangelistic impact of these verses: well-thought of by outsiders

Who we elect to office communicates so much to the world about what the church and the Gospel is all about, that it should be considered a major part of our evangelistic message to the world. The list of elders’ qualifications have two similar bookends: “above reproach” and “well-thought of by outsiders” underlining that electing elders is an evangelistic act.

I’ve lost count of the number of budgeting plans, techniques, strategies, programs, apps, and so on that Shona and I have tried over 23 years to get our finances in order. Sometimes we’ve come close to mastering our money, but it just doesn’t seem to last. A few times we’ve just given up, but most of the time we’ve worked really really hard to plan, budget, keep accounts, and practice accountability. And yet, no matter how much income we have, savings never seem to rise, unexpected bills bomb our beautiful budgets, and we just about survive from month to month.

Dave Ramsey’s plan has brought us closest to getting a handle on our accounts over the last couple of years, but we kept finding the micro-categorization so complicated and time-consuming. Also, when we blew it on one category, we kind of lost heart in keeping the other categories under control. And it was always difficult to figure out exactly how well we were doing overall at any stage of the month. Usually we got to the end of the month and just about squared things away with savings in some categories compensating for over-spending in others. But neither of us felt much motivation to really try to save money in our daily expenditure as we didn’t see our decisions making any difference to the overall picture.

Until a few months ago, when we stumbled upon a modification of the Dave Ramsey system, let’s call it the Dave Murray system, that has absolutely revolutionized our finances.

The Dave Murray System

Step 1: Estimate how much income from all sources in the course of the month.

Step 2: Calculate how much fixed expenses for the month.

Fixed expenses are predictable amounts that come off every month and includes items like tithe, mortgage (including property tax and insurance), car insurance, cellphone, Internet, YMCA, College tuition, Covenant Eyes, utilities, pension, health insurance, and so on. We also include a small fixed amount every month that goes into savings.

Step 3: Calculate the difference between Step 1 and Step 2 (Total income minus Fixed expenses = Variable expenses budget)

The amount left here is what’s available for all the variable monthly expenses, amounts that go up and down each month depending on so many uncontrollable factors. We take this out of the bank in cash.

This is where I leave the Dave Ramsey plan and start the Dave Murray plan.

At this point, Dave Ramsey would have you start putting this money into multiple envelopes for numerous categories: gas, groceries, stationery, pharmacy, doctor/dentist, car repairs, clothes, house maintenance, furniture replacement, and on and on it goes.

Instead, my wife heads to Costco.

Step 4: Monthly Mega-shop

Shona takes a large chunk of the variable expenses budget calculated at Step 3 and does one mega-shop in Costco and Walmart at the beginning of the month to get best prices on items that cost so much more in a weekly shop at the local grocery store. This has been a huge game-changer for us, especially with a family of seven, and has greatly reduced our monthly expenditure on food and non-food items.

Step 5: Variable Expenses minus Monthly Mega-shop = What’s left to spend (divided by 30)

Here we subtract Step 4 (mega-shop) from Step 3 (variable expenses budget) to find out what we have left to spend in the month. We then divide that by 30 (or 31 depending on the month). This gives us a daily budget amount, a fixed sum that we work really hard to save from each day. We then put together a spreadsheet with 30 columns and enter this fixed daily amount at the top of each column. That’s what we have to spend each day on everything we need – gas, groceries, books, clothes, etc. This step has been the second and biggest game-changer for us.

Step 6: Daily Accountability

Every evening after our family meal, Shona and I get together and write in the spreadsheet how much she’s spent we’ve spent that day. Our aim is to have savings each day from our daily budget that will accumulate more and more momentum as the days and weeks pass. It’s been incredible how working with this limited daily amount has made us so much more conscious of every spending decision, motivating us to really ask if we need to buy this or that right now, with every saving making a visible and felt difference to the cash pile in our money box. If we go over budget a day or two, then we work extra hard to recover quickly. It’s so encouraging to see how quickly $30 saved one day and $20 another quickly mount up to hundreds of dollars each month.

With this method, unlike the Dave Ramsey method, you know exactly where you are each day of the month, either exceeding budget or saving from it. Also, it is so much quicker to do each day. When we were using the Dave Ramsey system we ended up spending up to 30 minutes a day getting all our categories sorted. That often put us off actually doing it for days at a time, making it difficult to remember, frequently leading us to give up.

With this scheme, there’s just one category (daily budget) and all daily expenditure is debited from that. Usually we’re done in 5 minutes. And for the first time in our lives, we feel in control of our finances, we’re saving as we’ve never saved before, and we’re even enjoying it!

I’m including this in my New Student Tip series because although my family circumstances are just a wee bit different to most students (you can probably skip the Costco mega-shop!), the basic framework of this system, especially the daily budget idea, can be used by anyone, including students.

UPDATE: You Need A Budget Is Offering their App free to students. More details here.